I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said to me "Sank you!"
I was able to understand his heavy accent, so I replied "You're welcome." He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."
"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."
"But I never went to college."
"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."
Last week my best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties...
It didn't help that she was still wearing them...
Or that his whole family was there...
That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward...
And who would've thought you could make the funeral for such a small child any more awkward than it already was...
I went to a porno cinema the other night.
I hadn’t been there five minutes when some guy started yelling at me: “Oh, you’re a beast, you’re despicable!”
So I said to him: “Listen mate, we’re all here together, you’re just as despicable as I am.” But then other people started chipping in, shouting stuff like “How do you sleep at night?” and “You’re a total disgrace.”
Next thing I knew the manager was standing right beside me, throwing in his two pence worth as well. I remember what he said to the letter. He said: “In 25 years I’ve never seen anything like this.”
So I said: “I know I’m not much to look at but that’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?” But he wasn’t listening, he was just waving his arms saying he was going to “throw me out” and that security was “on its way.”
At that point I just thought “Oh, I don’t need this”.
So I stood up and said: “Fuck it, come on kids, we’re leaving.”
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...
"Well" he said, "it could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door.
Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."
"And he won?" I said.
"Well, no" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The asshole."
