Ryan From Chantix

The majority of my video entertainment comes from YouTube and over the past year or so I’ve sat through a few Chantix commercials. I don’t know if I’ve truly become numb yet to the side effects information dump that now takes up the more than half the end but something about Ryan has made me envision those effects happening to him.

It started with the commercial where they show him in his bakery. I would see him snap and start attacking people but the bowling ad is what put me over the top. I’m just realizing now as I tried to search for that one is that he has at least 3 spots with Chantix. They found a star! What made him stand out to me is that he kinda reminds me of retired pro wrestler Stan Hansen as the sweet Texas grandpa (not sure if he has grandkids) he is now and not the madman that gave me nightmares as a kid. Aggression and hostility are the possible side effects that stand out to me and I’ve come up with a scenario where Ryan snaps.

Ryan and his buddy are shooting the shit in the bowling alley’s locker room before they get their weekly practice in before league night. His friend comments on how much Ryan has improved since he’s quit smoking and it’s great not having to wait on him to run outside for a smoke break. Then something in the Chantix unlocks an ancient rage deep inside his brain. Ryan hops over the locker room bench and then drives his friend’s head into the lockers. The friend is cut open. He is stunned but not knocked out. Bewildered he asks “Jesus Ryan, what the fuck?” Ryan only grunts and froths at the mouth as he hoists a bowling high over his head. “Oh God! Ryan No!” The twelve pound sphere crashes down on his friend’s head. Ryan proceeds to take off all his clothes except his briefs and then takes blood from his now dead friend which he smears on his face and chest like war paint.

The half naked man storms into the bowling alley to the horror of the few there. Ryan quickly dispatches all that try to stop him. He taps into a primitive fighting style that includes wild kicks and hammer fists. Unfortunately a children’s birthday party was taking place and a young boy just wasn’t quick enough. Ryan uses his powerful, bakers hands to grab the kid by the ankles and uses him as a club. The limp body is launched into an old cigarette vending machine. With cigarettes scattered in front of the broken machine Ryan scoops up four of them and puts all four in his mouth. He finds matches and lights them up. He sits down at his usual lane and starts to masturbate.