Dicey Railings: Observatory Notes on Raising Kids

Kids. Beautiful works of creation. Soft, tender, cute and lovable. Until they are not. They grow, turn into someone, into something. Some parents get lucky enough to recognize them while others, not so much.

I've been a kid. Grown and picked up some noticeable gaps that allow juvenile demons whisper sweet nothings to the ears of teenagers, driving them into paths they wouldn't have chosen had they known better. A lot of the things that happen between the starting point of childhood and the crossing line to adulthood do hold the highest of stakes on how your kid eventually turns out.

A while back, I got fascinated at how despite parents wanting the best for their kids, many still struggle to pass down their heart desires.

For me, effective communication, getting your kids to understand the angle what you demand of them comes from, remains the biggest hindrance to raising a harmonious family.

When communication breaks down, a fault in approach is mostly the case. Getting them to see the importance of doing what you expect of them is a very big hurdle. But it is the most important one that needs overcoming.

In my musings, observation, thoughts and experiments, I discovered that both parents and kids share the blame. But today we will focus on where mummy and daddy must have been missing the point and try to get them to think about the following nuggets.

Listen to the Rants

You don’t have to do what they say, just listen to them, make them feel like their opinion is worth a salt. Lack of following through with this line of action leaves you with a low self-esteemed adult. When his mates open their mouth, he remains mute since he is not used to airing his views.

Listening to kids means paying rapt attention to their jargons like you listening to your boss. I got this from living with my brother when he visited me in school a while back. As a child, most of the conversations that come out of their mouth are a complete joke to adults. We oldies are all about solving life challenges. Not why Spiderman is cooler than Batman or how the Ben 10 watch is the coolest thing to flap around your wrist.

But these issues were a big deal to him, hence, any time I felt the impulse to toss his concern away, I put myself in his shoes and imagine my pops not listening to my juvenile worries. Even the imagination alone was hurtful. No one deserves that.

Work With Them

Working with them is one of the most priceless steps you will ever take. Constantly ordering them to do so and so eventually births a distance but participating in that yard clean up, taking up a piece of paper to solve that problem while he sits silently and observes you makes the message of hard work easily received.

There is a huge difference between giving your kid a regimented time table of dos and don’ts and leading by example. Instead of raving about the importance of reading, let him see you pick up books yourself. Children are natural copy cats.

Should the board meetings interfere and eat up your time, demand a weekly book review instead. Ask questions that show you have an idea of what the book you assigned them to read was about. Be vested in their course – both plays and work. They need to feel that what they are doing is important especially in this age of light speed instant gratification.

Don’t Fast Forward that Scene

Well, most of you parents on Steemit run a regimented regime of restricting your kids to Cartoon Network and its likes but in situations where you end up watching a Game of Thrones scene with Tyrion Lannister on his latest whore-spree, don’t make it weird, be cool as can be and for the love of God don’t switch that channel. The scene might add a little tint of corrupt thoughts to his little mind. Maybe. Maybe not. But the surest way to stir up his curiosity of what happens between a male and female is when you do something with the remote that indicates something out of place was going on in there.

Haven designed for Emmanuel – my brother – a routine of reading during the day and watching movies at night, we kind of ended up with one of Leonard and Penny's heated moment in The Big Bang Theory. With well dilated eyes and jacked up attention I focused squarely on the love makers while using what was left of my side views to observe my kid bro. Amidst confusion and surprise he would soon relax and join the staring contest and of course find out how much of a small deal it was to see two consenting adults do what every two consenting adults did behind closed doors.

That was a first. With subsequent times, he stopped looking away or clip jumping randy scenes. The point is he felt more relaxed doing exactly what he would have done in his privacy, in front of me. An added trust-point.

Compare Her not with Cindy

No. don’t tell her what you think of Cindy the next door neighbour, about her awesomeness and how your child should emulate her. That is the worst sin you could commit on your kids. Like Cindy, they have their strengths and weaknesses but never pit Cindy’s strength against their weaknesses. That’s not fair. You belong to the adult colony and really can’t have a full grasp of who Cindy is. Those innocent eyes and ready smiles are the result of years of courtesy training.

The urge will be there. Don’t give in. If she does something stupid, vent out your disapproval but don’t tell her how Cindy would have done so and so.

Remove every trace of comparison from all your admonition. It is the closest thing to murdering a child. Telling her her equal is greater than her and effectively making her feel below everyone else going forward.

Sometimes, They Need You to Punish Them

Sometimes, having them grounded is the only way to prove you care for them. Of course they will never see it that way. However, you will have them ruing never being under the hood 20 years’ time when their friends tell their own tales. That is when it will dawn on them that mummy and daddy never cared enough to punish them. At times pain, is required to give love a comprehensive definition.

Never employ capital or jungle punishments though. You will end up defeating the aim.

Use subtle means to teach them that actions do have consequences. You don’t do that by continuously petting. Seize that remote when he refuses to do his assignment. Dishes should be washed else no next meal.

Delayed gratification must be taught now more than ever. The principle of cause and effect must be developed and gradually integrated into their consciousness.

Whatever you do though, remember the most important rule of all: whatever you expect from your child, uphold them yourself. It is easier to follow a doer than a dictator. Peace.