There was a man so grumpy
who was in love with money.
He craved more, more shiny,
more expensive things to have.
It was like his soothing salve.
He envied the golden calf.
And it filled his soul with greed.
He desired more than need.
So he began to mislead-
those who offered him kindness.
He tricked them in the process-
like a sneaky game of chess
where you know someone cheated,
who was someone conceited,
while smiling there, and seated.
In his eyes was no regret.
He was thrilled with the asset.
The thrill gave him a cold sweat.
His soul turned for worse
now that he had no remorse.
So he went into reverse.
And he piled up money
like the bees making honey
'til he aged like a mummy.
He lived only for success
and for financial excess.
He wouldn't settle for less.
Then one day, they found he lied,
which, of course, he then denied,
right before he up and died-
choking, choking on his greed
from which he did not concede.
Too late! He is dead indeed.
He was slain by a monster
that helped his want to fester
'til the greed was his master.
He fed the lust fatally.
Beware the love of money
that dampens hearts of many.
I really like the message this poem carries...it needs a format tho... I like the end breaks on certain lines that help to create tension, but lets see about trying a format, like give spaces between certain lines to create more tension, as this is a poem that begs for tension. I will give an example..i will copy this poem and format it in a way and repost in in comment on here..and please doont take my words as insult. I am a creative writing major, and we workshop our writings all the time...
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Okay, thank you for your input. It does all run together....
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I now see your style more clearly. you broke it into tercets and following the rime scheme..
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Thanks :)
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Concur!
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great
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Thank you
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Relaxing but thoughtful!
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Thank you!
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only suggestions and or ideas..if you like ..if not its all good.. I really like this poem either way
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I appreciate it :)
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and surely I would hope you would help critique mine too once I have the chance to put them on here
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I can take a look. I'll keep an eye out for that.
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i guess I lost a few followers including you for giving critique on your poem, I am so heartily sorry
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What do you mean? I'm following you. Don't take it to heart.
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i just looked...and didn't see you on there...my bad...
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No problem
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