The Dark Side of Dating Overseas, My Depreciating Happiness and Health

I will save my happy travel and exploring stories for another day. I sat down tonight with intentions of telling you how amazing my experience was in China. But once I started writing, a dark side of my experience came out. You will hear about my good stories one night, but tonight comes this one. 

First of all, I have to say I love China, but living in full time anxiety and pain is no way to experience this beautiful country. My life was upside down at this stage. I was settling into my new job whilst planning my escape from a violent relationship. I moved to China by myself a few months previous to this happening and lacked support networks, at first I didn’t speak Chinese and was extra vulnerable when some help became available.

He was a Social Worker like me, someone who likes to help people and do the right thing. All of his friends looked up to him, his family respected him and in the community people admired our relationship. But there was a different side that he saved for me, and it didn’t come into full light until I had signed new work contracts, visas and gained residency. His public image furthered my disbelief and denial about what my life was becoming, thankfully in the end his true colours started to show in front of others as well.

I was homeless when I was younger and once getting through that I’ve been able to tackle anything life throws at me. I do not like to be seen as weak or vulnerable in any area of my life. It was difficult to admit I was vulnerable and that I’d let someone treat me like a punching bag and even harder to write about it.  

But you should know, being hurt by someone you love, mentally and physically is not something to be ashamed of, it is their shame, and their shame only.

I was half way through signing a contract to a new apartment just an hour from my work in Tongzhou. It’s not easy to do when your Chinese isn’t great. I was living with him in Babaoshan, which, if you know Beijing, you might realise that’s not exactly close. He had threatened things would happen if I left, but after months of hell, there was nothing he could do to hurt me any more than he already had and I eventually set my plan in motion.

Below I have described to you a fairly average working day and the beginning of this particular chapter in my life.

5:20am

It’s the middle of Winter at the moment, my alarm goes off, I roll myself out of bed. It’s about -12 degrees Celsius outside. I’m already wearing two layers of clothes and it’s too cold to take them off, so I throw on another two layers of clothes on top of whatever I’m already wearing. I grab my cigarettes, water, paperwork and my e-reader and anything else of value like my computer, licence and credit card, all the things he had broken on previous occasions. If I had them with me I knew they would be safe for another day. I put on my boots and run down five flights of stairs. 

5:40am

The bus stop is 2km away and I’ve got 5 minutes to get there, if I miss the first bus just 2 minutes I will miss my second train and be 20 minutes late for work. I make it.  

6:00am

I arrive at Babaoshan subway station, jump off the bus and run into the subway. I’ve got 17 stops to Dawanglu where I will change to another bus. I’ve got approximately 42 minutes to have a nap before Dawanglu so I take the opportunity and drift off to sleep. My brain is pretty well trained to wake up when I hear 大望路站到了.

6:50am 

I come out of the subway I’ve got 7 minutes to get to the bus stop, I sneak in a quick cigarette while I jog to the bus stop. At 7:00am I send a message to him, if I don’t I can expect to come home to my belongings broken. He must know where I am at all times, he doesn’t trust me at all. Once I’m on the bus I’ve got 55 minutes until I arrive at the stop near my work. It’s too risky for me to nap on the bus, if the traffic is quick that day who knows where I will end up. I take out my e-reader and use the time to study my Chinese.   

7:45am 

I’ve got 15 minutes to walk to work, which is about 2km away. It’s a nice brisk walk and I manage to inhale two cigarettes along the way.   

7:55am 

I quickly sign in at work and head upstairs to my class and at 8:00am I must send another message to him to protect myself. I’m one of the lead teachers of my class along with another English/Chinese teacher, Chinese teacher and two support teachers. My class is girls and boys aged 6-8. I give an hour class in the morning and an hour in the afternoon. In between that is feeding the kids, watching their behaviour, sports and of course nap time.    

5:00pm 

It’s finishing time, I make my way back home the same way I came. I send a message to him so he knows where I am. The traffic is a lot busier at this time than it is in the morning. I send him a message at every change over to lessen the chances of him being mad when I arrive home.

8:20pm

I’m starving when I arrive home so I grab about about 12 skewers of random meats and vegetables from a guy on a bike with a hot plate who I call “The Squid Man”, because he makes my favourite street food, barbeque squid in some crazy spicy sauce. I buy some food for him as well. I always like to be prepared for him to be in a bad mood, if I’m not prepared I can’t plan for what might happen. I shake walking up the stairs I’m so weak.   

8:40pm 

I’m finally home, I tell him I want to move house I’m so exhausted I don’t have enough time to study, all I can do is work and sleep. He warns me what might happen if I leave him, I’m sitting on the corner of the bed I’m so tired I can barely focus on what he’s saying. He tests me on what he has just told me, I get it wrong, he yells at me for being so stupid and tired and uses his hand to deliver a blow to the right side of my face. I go to sleep.   

This was my life for a long time and there was so many more days, better and worse than this one above. It doesn't sound too bad. But this one was significant, he had yelled at me and played with my mind for a long time, but this was the first time he had hit me and this day engrained itself in my mind. During this time I started finding out that he was cheating on me as well, I found out about four of them, I don't know how many more there were. It only got worse from here on in, so bad I'm not comfortable thinking about it let alone writing about it. It took me a long time and a lot of planning to leave in a way that I would be able to keep my safety. He had me convinced everything he had done to me, I had deserved.

It’s been months now since I last seen him and weeks since he last contacted me but I still have some weird habits. I wake up in the middle of the night to check the washing is done and the house is clean. There’s nothing more startling than being woken by him if I’ve forgotten about some mess in the house. I've lost much of my ability to argue or stand up for myself as well because I await the punishment to follow. Unfortunately I do still have feelings for him, but I'm wise enough to know that feeling doesn't last forever, good or bad.

I’ve lost a lot of hair and it’s still falling out and I’ve lost 13kg, the doctors say it’s from the stress. I’m still recovering physically and mentally but here in Australia I have support of my friends, even if they don’t know it. 

To all those out there, boys, girls, men, women, please be careful travelling overseas. When we throw ourselves alone into a foreign country with foreign people, culture and a foreign language we become so vulnerable, don't lose yourself like I did this time.

#cn #life #travel #writing #journey