Your mom always leaves my office all sweaty and out of breath, because she is part of a group of volunteers taking part in our FDA mandated experimentation which requires daily incremental pulse rate increases to test the efficacy of the medication on individuals who are missing a particular hormone inhibitor that controls the regulation of body temperature.
I always see your mom licking her lips when I’m talking to her and it drives me wild because that is a clear sign of dehydration which can exacerbate the illness from which your mother is already suffering.
Just this morning, before you were even awake, I was pumping your mom full of protein, because amino acid residues act as an adjuvant to the pharmaceutical being tested, and your mother’s insulin pump for her diabetes provided a convenient avenue of administration.
I know how shy and self-conscious your mom can be, especially on the days when she’s even hotter than normal. In fact, she told me this morning she wasn’t even sure she wanted to be involved anymore. But we talked it out and she ultimately agreed that I’m the only man that has what she needs, and pretty soon she’s going to actually enjoy taking it so much that she’ll start coming every day, sometimes twice a day. That would be great because it would allow us to run all the diagnostics and fine-tune the dosage to bring her body temperature to a perfect equilibrium and cure this devastating illness from which she suffers once and for all.
Also, I had sex with her.
One time my daughter said something snarky and I said "your mom", and well, I never did that again.
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My brother told me about a similar experience he had when he was in an ongoing argument with his son and at one point the kid came home from school and when my brother tried to tell his son something the kid just said “Go f**k yourself,” and my brother said “I guess i’ll have to...Mom died this morning,” and then that kid ended up selling quaaludes to pay for the funeral expenses, but now he’s an account executive at IKEA, so at least there’s that.
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😂 this is like professional caliber stuff, I could see this being in a comedy special or something
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the man strikes again.
How you going Yodi?
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Well, since I’m back here posting this dreck, I’m gonna have to go with somewhere between “silent primal scream of sadness into the void,” and “not unwell.”
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A leaking faucet is useful at least once a day. A broken faucet, never.
In the defense of a silent scream, can I recommend the pillownator3000, for all your primal needs. Its like being in a void without the desire to masturbate.
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We, as humorists, must continuously re-invent the classics. This "your mom" joke is inspiration to us all.
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