Anyone ever think about user manuals? Like really get into them? I bought an alarm clock the other day, came in the mail, user manual pops out, 50 pages long. The thing has three buttons! Took me one minute to set an alarm. It worked great by the way, I was able to sleep in.
You know I think I need to change my career path, forget music and comedy. I'm going to become a user manual writer. Seriously. I could do the world a lot of good.
Speaking of jobs. I don't understand them. Maybe that's why I make jokes. That's one of my jobs. Joke maker. Can I put that on a resume? Joke maker, 32 years of experience. That'll look great on my Home Depot application as a yardperson. They'd probably hire me.
You know I think I'm going to retire from comedy because my jokes aren't funny. I'm going to get a real job, and my boss will be someone other than my wife.
Let's try out that user manual writer thing. Page 1. This is how your alarm clock works. It has three buttons on it. The buttons are not rectangles, they are squares. You can press the power button, which will turn the alarm off. Don't press the power button too hard, or the button could break. The one with the sun is the snooze button. Hit the sun when you're depressed and can't get out of bed. It's a great replacement for a therapist. And totally free. The one with the down arrow makes the alarm go off instantly. You cannot hit the down arrow if the alarm is on.
Now, let's talk about the battery situation. If you take out the battery, the alarm will not work at all. If you put in a new battery, the alarm will be very loud. Lastly, if you remove the back of the clock, please do not touch anything inside.
50 more pages to go. Anyone feeling bored yet? Newsflash we're all bored, all the time. That's why we write manuals. Cure our boredom and pass it on.
You know what really makes me bored? Time travel. It's too complicated. All these hypotheticals about killing my grandfather and whatnot. I mean, if I can travel through time that's the last thing I'd be thinking about. Who comes up with this stuff? If your first thought of time-travel is killing your grandfather... I don't know that's a messed up childhood.
If I could time travel I'd go in the future. The future's always better than the present. Just the way it works. I mean, anyone up to live back in the 1800's? That was only two hundred years ago. Do you know how old the planet is? It's like, 8 billion years old or something. Anyone want to go back that far? Exactly. The future has always been better than the past. I know some would argue the 70's were the best time. I can't say I really disagree with that. So much love. So much love. So much peace. I want to see all the cool stuff we have in the future. Cars that fly! Medicine that fixes everything! Sex robots! Oh wait, we have those right now? Well... better sex robots then!
Can you imagine getting Aids from a sex robot? It's like, dang not even as good as the real thing and I still got aids. Maybe it'd be some new kind of STD where you get little robotic cells killing you from the inside. Robo-STD's. Yikes I tell ya. Men will hump anything.
"Mommy, why is that man humping that robot?"
"Donald What are you doing??"
"Oh honey, you're home early."
(robot voice) "I don't get paid enough for this."
"I'm not paying you anything!"
(Robot voice) "That's my point."
Everyone's talking about flying cars but nobody is talking about flying trucks. Why is that? You know what I want. I want a flying pick-up truck with a pet wolf inside. I would call him Reggie. And I want the entire truck to have automatic shotguns and for the glass to be bullet proof. And I want a sex robot in the backseat. No, two sex robots. Two sex robots with free will.
(Make driving noises, put the image in your head and other people's heads)
I actually don't like guns. I don't really trust people who carry guns. That's why I'm always a little wary around cops. I've met a couple good cops in my life. It's a hard job, being a police officer. Most officers protect and serve but some of them do the opposite. And those are the ones I'm wary of. I'm wary of Cops that are weary of me because I know I haven't done anything wrong. I may not have done anything right either but I haven't done anything wrong... yet.
Once, a police officer pulled me over when I was speeding in the middle of the night. I live in Arizona and it was summer so I had my windows down. He walked up to my window and said "Do you know how fast you were going?". So I looked him right in the eyes and I said "All I know is you must have been going faster to catch me."
That didn't end well. I don't like getting arrested. Anyone here like getting arrested?
I've been arrested for something I didn't do a couple of times. That always sucks.
I think from now on I'll just avoid police officers as much as possible. That's why you see people running on Cops. They're like, F this, I don't care if I'll be on TV I'm getting the hell out of here. I'd probably do the same if I was them. But thankfully I'm not. Have any of you ever been to jail?
If you've ever been to jail, you know that there's some characters in there. People from all walks of life. You've got your murderers, car thieves, child molesters, drug dealers, gang bangers. You've got people in jail who are in jail for killing people in jail. That's when you know you really haven't learned your lesson. You've pretty much resigned yourself to a life of crime when you commit crimes in a place whose sole purpose is to punish crime. Jail is sort of a self-defeating system honestly. You know what I want? A place where people can go where they actually come out feeling changed and empowered. I'm an idealist. The personalities in jail are usually interesting too. A much higher statistical likelihood of mental illness and instability. If only we focused more on mental health and how to achieve that. It's hard though. Exercise, proper diet, meditation. It's enough to say, you know, jail might not be so bad.
Mental health is tough. I've always wanted to improve mental health. Sometimes I think it takes love. People inject people with all kinds of drugs, but sometimes I think a daily hug could do so much.
Mental Institutions have always held a certain stigma, especially in the media. So how do you know if someone's mentally ill or not? If their beliefs and actions are different than yours, then they're mentally ill. We're all mentally ill. We just have different gradients. Remember to give and get hugs everybody. Give and get hugs.