Well it’s August again. A time of great rejoicing, provided you are the parent of a school-age child. Yes, Back-To-School is upon us. A time for pondering the mysteries of why the thousand dollars’ worth of school clothes you bought only three months ago no longer fit. You can also look forward to trying to get everything on the supplies list, along with ten-thousand other parents. Well, at least it’s a happy time for the manufactures of that calculator that every student in the country is required to have. It was discontinued five months ago. “Hey parents, have fun trying to find one of those. And by the way, the replacement won’t be available for six months.”
But I’m not here to discuss Back-To-School shopping. No, I have much more important things to discuss. The reason school exists in the first place, preparing the young people of today for a career. I know you think you’re the next Bob Ross and your paintings will be hanging in the Louvre someday. Well guess what? There are absolutely no Bob Ross paintings in the Louvre. He worked thousands of hours painting “Happy Little Trees” on TV, so now, everybody paints like him.
Or perhaps you’re going to be the next great investigative reporter. Well, good luck with that. There are colleges who do nothing but train investigative reporters. There are billions of them out there, and thirty-nine percent of them are driving for Uber. You might say those odds aren’t too bad, until you hear that three-quarters of what’s left are driving for Lyft. You only have to check out the news to see that all the working investigative reporters are ninety years old. That’s because the all started in the 1970’s and refuse to go the old folk’s home, simply because somebody’s already exposed the place.
So, what I say is, if you have and aunt or uncle asking you to join the family business, Do It! Play it safe. I don’t care if you hate them, your relatives might be great bosses. You don’t know until you try. Besides, the perks are great. I know of a place where the son of the owners actually brought his dog to work, every day. Later, when they found out there was an employee who was allergic to the thing, the employee got transferred, the dog stayed. Now, there are down sides. Everyone is going to hate you when you are promoted to vice-president after only working for two years. This is a problem, but in our world of cell phones and computers there are plenty of ways to ignore them.
Sadly, we don’t all have an entrepreneurial relative so we have to find our own way in life. But the sun is starting to peak through the clouds. Mr. Ohh! is here to help you with a few high paying career options. I read a study a while back. Well, it’s probably better to say I skimmed it. Either way it concluded, one of the best jobs to get into right now is Zoology. The pay is pretty good, and you’re in high demand. Why is that, you ask? It’s because of all those flipping animals.
A zoologist studies animals, all animals. Not just normal ones, like dogs and cats, they have to study slimy obscure animals like axolotls and fossa. There are 1.2 million know species of animals on this earth and a zoologist has to know about them all. That sounds like way too much work, to me. It’s no wonder no one wants to be one. But don’t despair, our modern world has created the need for many careers that require very little work, and no knowledge at all.
As has always been the case in this great land of ours, there are people with more money than brains. You can capitalize on this. It just takes a bit of knowledge. Rich people everywhere are hiring people for lots of weird stuff. The first career I found that fills these important criteria is: Screen Consultant. What do you do when you teenager spends too much time on their electronic devices? If you’re in my tax bracket, you yell a little, take the thing away, and send them outside to sulk. BUT, if you have loads of cash, you hire a screen consultant to instruct your progeny just how to live without.
The consultant brings the child outdoors and shows them a ball. “Throw the ball, kick the ball, chase the ball,” the consultant says. The child ignores them because no one thought to take away his I-Watch. Eventually the child and tutor come to an agreement. They find a secluded shady spot and then spend two hours playing on their phones. Once home the agreed lie is told and the consultant gets paid. Anyone can immediately see the benefits of this career path and there is no college degree required.
Suppose though, you don’t like children. Suppose you feel more artistic than that. Well there’s a profession for you as well. Just think about all the commercials for fast food you see every day. Now remember the burger you ate yesterday. Did it look like the one on the commercial? Of course not. The one you ate was prepared by a fry cook. It was not created by a Food Designer. As far as I can tell a food designer is just a fast food chef who has the time to get it right. Like the fry cook he or she has a bunch of the same ingredients. The difference comes as the FD can take up to four hours to create a masterpiece, instead of having to sling it up in four minutes. Another advantage is the restaurant burger must at least be edible. If it happens to also be delicious, well that’s a bonus. They only take pictures of the designer’s food. No One eats it. It could made out of dog crap as long as it looks great on the screen. You failed at Burger King? This is the job for you.
I look to Hollywood for this last career choice. Have you ever wondered how those movie people get two actors, who don’t know each other, to film those bedroom scenes? They hire an Intimacy Coach. The coach talks to both of the actors, alone and together, to make sure their feelings are in control and they understand the scene. I guess that’s one way to do it. Look I have heard about what went on in the 1970’s. Folks all over the place, who never met each other, were having intimate moments at the drop of a hat. If you want to be an intimacy coach, I suggest you just buy a bottle of whisky and put on some Donna Summer CD’s. It worked then and it can work again. Besides it’s less effort for the same money.
So, there you have it. Ultra-modern jobs for a new decade. All you high school, and college, seniors out there should be thanking me. The only thing I ask for is; When you tell your parents, don’t mention my name.