Tote That Barge Lift That Fork

Why wasn’t I informed of this earlier? Could it be a government conspiracy? Information like this needs to be available for public viewing, not hidden away for the elite few. We are talking serious money here and inquiring minds want to know. Knowledge like this can’t be held back in a top-secret file somewhere like Area 51. I am incensed that these facts have been kept from me for so long. Whew, I’m glad I got that out of my system. Maybe I should explain what I am so angry about.
Because of my employment status, I spend far too much time surfing the internet. And in the thousands of hours I’ve spent in cyberspace, I’ve been bombarded with countless advertisements. Many of them have been custom-designed just for me, based on my browsing habits. So why did it take so long for the advertisement that showed up on my monitor a few hours ago to reach me? Sorry I’m getting angry again. A few beep breaths and I’ll be just fine.
Anyway, speaking of ads, there it was, on top of the screen. A picture of a smiling fellow wearing a hardhat, informing me that I could earn my forklift operator’s certification online for just $29.95! Do you have any idea how long I’ve dreamt of becoming a certified forklift operator? It has been a life-long burning ambition of mine, but I never knew how to get started. As hard as I tried, after graduation from high school, I couldn’t find a college offering a degree in forklift operation. And now I discover that the opportunity to spend eight hours a day, five days a week, sitting at the controls of my very own forklift has been within my grasp, and no one bothered to tell me about it! Shame on…somebody!
Why, you may ask, was the fellow in the advertisement smiling? First of all, he’d obviously already earned his forklift operator’s certification which, in many parts of the USA, is more highly valued than an MBA from Harvard or Yale. And why shouldn’t it be? This happy man was now certified to operate a forklift, which, according to numerous polls conducted by organizations with impeccable credentials, ranks among America’s most highly desired and respected occupations. The ad told me so. And talk about compensation! Do you have any idea how much a certified forklift operator earns? Of course, you don’t. Neither did I, until I looked it up on the internet. The average certified forklift driver in the United States is paid a whopping $15 per hour. Those who have demonstrated skill far above and beyond the call of duty make as much as $20 every 60 minutes. That’s 33⅓ cents per minute. In 2017, the average certified forklift driver took home $34,238! Is it any wonder the man in the hardhat sported an ear-to-ear grin? I’d be smiling, too, if I made that kind of money doing something I loved. And what’s not to love about driving a forklift all day? Lifting heavy objects, transporting them from one place to another, depositing them at their destination. What a feeling of power! I ask you, what other occupation could provide greater joy and spiritual fulfillment to a man…or a woman? I’m sure you can imagine why I’ve aspired to that noble profession all my life. But it seemed unattainable, so like so many other Americans, I settled for so much less and became a boring office drone.
Now, to my utter glee and amazement, the internet has informed me that a forklift operator’s certificate is not only well within my grasp, but can be obtained online for less than $30! If this isn’t Nirvana, I don’t know what is. My only question is how can I learn to operate a forklift capably enough to warrant certification online. It would seem to me that to earn certification, one should have to actually drive a forklift, and I’m baffled as to how this can be done online. But I know I’m fretting needlessly. Everything can be simulated online. Can’t it? I mean, there’s a website which I have seen, that offers all manner of games including bowling. Yes, I’ve bowled many simulated games online, and I’ve found I’m just as rotten a bowler online as I am in real life. Worse, in fact. The simulation doesn’t have gutter-guards. Then There’s pilot training. Sadly to become a pilot online the cost is over a hundred dollars. The point is, if some computer programming genius figured out a way to simulate bowling and flying a jet aircraft, online, I’m sure it’s possible to create a virtual reality forklift as well.
Thanks to the technological marvel that is the internet, I’m about to spend my remaining productive years doing what I’ve always desired to. I’m going to be a certified forklift operator, and it’s only going to cost me $29.95, which I’m sure my future employer will gladly reimburse me. Then again, I may go the independent contractor route. Yes, I’d have to buy my own forklift, but the profits that would accrue from using it would be all mine! I like the sound of that. And the demand for independent forklift operators is growing every day. I’ll bet you’ve needed the services of a independent forklift operator recently and had no clue where to find one. It’s a common problem for the average American. And, following my certification, I’ll do my part to alleviate it.
I’ll be just like that guy with the black mask. You know, The Lone Ranger. Can’t you just see it in your head. A humble woman stands beside a large pile of crates. She’s crying because there is no way for her to get past this mess, to the bank, so she can pay the mortgage on the family farm. An evil man in black, with a waxed moustache, stands next to her laughing and saying, “If you marry me, I’ll make sure you never have to pay for anything, ever again. She calls out, “Can’t anyone help a poor widow?” At that moment I’d show up, wearing a white hardhat. “I’ll move those crates for you, ma’am.” Then quick as a flash, the crates would be moved, the rent would be paid, and the man in black would yell, “Curses! Foiled again!” At this point the lady might try to kiss me, but I would just ride off into the sunset, without a word, on my forklift named; Silver. Just one humble man with one humble forklift.
Well that mental image did it for me. I filled out the form immediately. Then as soon as I made this monumental decision, guess what happened? No more than five minutes after I typed in my Credit Card number and hit submit, an advertisement for “the best prices in town on forklifts” came up on my computer. Really. I’m not making this up. And it’s starting to creep me out.