The New Way: COM15 second entry

Now there's a lot of problems with our society and depending on where you're from, skin colour or size of cock, you're probably facing your own personalised challenges; today's not your lucky day because I really don't care. I've got my own issues
Now I've been single for quite some time now and I recently discovered that the girl of my dreams isn't quite right for me.
I'm currently going through a mini patch of celibacy due to circumstances or as my mum subtly put it, "too ugly to be fucked with" and as expected, I got deeply distressed so I've decided to make certain changes in my life to reel the ladies in.

Looking Fit:
If you're expecting me to do any exercise then you're obviously a caveman or one of those steroid junkies partaking in @steemmatt's #fitness challenge. Its plastic surgery and that's how we do it now. No need to sweat or wear those ugly running shoes you stole from grandma.

Grooming:
Again, I'm sorry to burst your already inflated bubble but I'm not taking more than three showers a week. I don't go out much so those three are actually a luxury. I'm talking about Snapchat and Photoshop filters. Who needs to waste money on water and "soap" when I can just take a shower without getting out of bed? Thank God for smartphones.

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Parties:
I've never really liked going for these things, I end spending more time blowing my rape whistle than I actually enjoy myself. In recent times my fear of being raped has been replaced by the fear of being caught in one of those snaps with half my ass hanging out and looking absolutely stupid as I make an attempt to "dance". Its not a pretty sight people.

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Evidence
Now I saved the worst for last because this is an issue I've been hitting on lately and even got a 24hour ban on Facebook for. Its not even something I can class as being funny; I'm deeply troubled by this insane desire to trend on social media. It's kinda like there's people walking around with phone cameras waiting for something wrong to happen, so they'll post it online for the hits. If you see something wrong, do something about it, if you can't, get someone who can. Please don't turn another individual's pain, always remember the golden rule.

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I nominate @karensuestudios and @mariannewest to try their hands on #comedyopenmic