I Don't Wear Hats But if I Did Wear Hats and You Were a Hat I Would Still Kick You in the Stomach - Comedy Open Mic Round 29

I wish the guy who invented hats had perished as a child in The Great Plague, or the Cretaceous-Paleogene Extinction Event, or the big flood thing where the guy in the giant boat with the animal twinsies was the sole survivor, or the SARS epidemic, or the Great Depression, or whenever that stupid hat-jerk lived.

Because hats are pointless and ruin everything including scoring three goals in hockey, categorizing hackers, and crashy-cymbals turned sideways and given a pedal attachment.

Have you ever noticed how ridiculous someone looks in a hat? I bet you haven't.

Here's my cousin Fran without a hat:

Look how pretty she looks, even in the middle of being assaulted by a trainer from Seaworld. It's because she's not wearing a hat.

Now here's her wearing a fancy vase on her head as a hat:

!

Yeah. I know. Not so hot. It's aged her, like, at least 3 years. Even after she did all her makeup for her dinner and a movie and intercourse tonight with her junkie boyfriend, she still looks like a 98 year old woman of an ethnicity that seems exotic to me because I'm racist.

And don't try to be all, "Well, of course she looks like that with a flower-holding-device on her head, because it's not a hat."

Because that's my point. People can't even tell the difference between hats and appliances and then they end up looking like lunatics and ruining my day.

Like this poor idiot:

Good thing you stole that child's little umbrella because it sure is keeping you dry, you lowlife.

Or how about these sad wretches, who thought their children's Urban Development City Builder toy sets were actually hats:

Hey idiots. Those aren't hats. That's the Kremlin.

This jerk actually figured out that the item he wanted to plop down above his dumb face was a hat:

But then he immediately forgot it was a hat and thought it was pants so he buckled a belt around it before stuffing his wife's big melon into a potato sack.

Even illustrators are getting it wrong now:

Look at that dumb penguin. The brilliant artist behind this cartoon thought that penguins are the type of things that wear hats, even though penguins only wear hats if a person puts one on them as a cruel joke, because penguins don't have advanced cultures which would even allow for them to decide to wear a hat.

And then the artist decided that if a rocket happened to be passing a penguin, the rocket would think that the penguin wearing a hat would make a perfect hat for a rocket like itself, and put the behatted penguin on itself to serve as a hat. Which is all ridiculous because rockets don't even have consciousness or make decisions or appreciate headgear.

Maybe now you can see why hats are ruining everything ever.

Perhaps even more importantly, I hate you so much, that even if somehow you were actually not a person but just a hat, and you convinced me that all of this was silly and I should be wearing hats, I would spin-kick you in the stomach and pee on your face.

I nominate @chefclub & @techxegama to throw their hats into the ring and then throw their hats in the garbage because hats are garbage.