This is a comedy sketch that was never performed because my comedy troupe refused. I wrote it during the found-footage craze that coincided with a disturbing story out of Kassel, Germany about a computer repairman who placed ads looking for men who wanted to be eaten. Since I am a programmer, I felt an immediate connection.
This is based upon a true story and my imagination.
I nominate @tenhanger and @kat1977
Hold the Fava Beans
Characters
Armin Meiwes
Bernd Juergen
Announcer
(At rise, ARMIN sits at a table reading a magazine. He hums "Der Kommissar." ANNOUNCER enters. ARMIN freezes.)
ANNOUNCER
He was a computer repairman by trade who lived in the town of Kassle, Germany. But behind that meek, repairman exterior lay a dark and forbidden desire...a desire for human flesh. So great was his craving that he posted internet ads seeking men fit for slaughter.
(ARMIN unfreezes. There is a knock at the door.)
ARMIN
Come in.
(BERND enters.)
BERND
Guten Tag.
(Both men freeze.)
ANNOUNCER
He was a computer specialist who wanted nothing more than to find a man to bite off his penis, sauté it in rare herbs and spices from Zimbabwe, and serve it on a bed of couscous.
If you're anything like me, you’re thinking, what the fuck is going on in the computer industry?
But it did peak our interest when we learned the encounter had been filmed. So here, for the first time ever, is the complete footage of the one and only dinner date of The Cannibal of Kassel...uncut, so to speak.
(ANNOUNCER exits. ARMIN and BERND unfreeze.)
BERND
Are you Armin?
ARMIN
Ja. Are you Bernd?
BERND
Ja.
ARMIN
Come to me and I will eat your delicious flesh.
BERND
Slow down. Warm me up first. A man likes to be pursued.
ARMIN
I will pursue you with my butcher knife.
BERND
In the ad, you said that prior to slaughter I would get a massage .
ARMIN
With my meat cleaver.
BERND
And some aromatherapy.
ARMIN
The aroma of your flesh cooking on my stove.
BERND
But the ad--
ARMIN
Fuck the ad. I will get the knife.
BERND
No, not a knife!
ARMIN
Why not?
BERND
Because I'm scared of them.
ARMIN
Then I say you came to the wrong place.
BERND
Did you read my email?
ARMIN
Ja, you want me to cut off your penis and eat it.
BERND
No, I want you to bite it off.
ARMIN
I'm not going to bite it off. That's sick!
BERND
You must use your teeth!
ARMIN
Gevald! I did not know that fruit was on the menu!
BERND
If you won't do it, then I'm leaving.
ARMIN
OK, OK. I admire your resolve. After I dismember you, I will nail your hand above my threshold to forever remind me how you had the upper one in this negotiation.
(BERND beams.)
ARMIN (cont’d)
OK enough Sprechen Sie stalling. Undo your fliegen and sit in the chair.
(BERND does so. ARMIN kneels directly upstage of BERND.)
ARMIN (cont'd)
OK. (Beat) I guess this will be the appetizer?
BERND
What?
ARMIN
I'm going to need a frickin' happy meal after this.
BERND
What do you mean?
ARMIN
I mean this couldn't feed a family of amebas.
BERND
Don't make fun!
ARMIN
OK. I assure you this will hurt you much more than it will me.
(BERND screams.)
BERND
Is it off?
ARMIN
I can't tell.
BERND
Don't make fun!
ARMIN
I've seen more meat on a French entrée plate.
(BERND cries.)
ARMIN (cont'd)
Stop your sniveling. Now where was I? Ah yes.
(BERND screams.)
BERND
Oh, mein Scheisse! Just finish!
ARMIN (cont'd)
I swear, I've seen Nazi Youth chew through ball-gags faster than this.
BERND
Oh, it hurts!
ARMIN
Had Hitler made tanks out of your penis, we would've won zee war!
BERND
You're doing it wrong!
ARMIN
I am not a wild beast, man! I don't have fangs! Let me use a knife.
BERND
No knife!
ARMIN
Blas mir ein!...I know, I'll use a can opener.
(ARMIN grabs a can opener and bends down. BERND screams.)
ARMIN (cont'd)
That didn’t work. I'll try a hammer.
(ARMIN grabs a hammer and starts banging away. BERND screams.)
ARMIN
I've never seen such a substance. You must win many peter-pulling contests.
(BERND cries.)
ARMIN (cont'd)
How about a cheese grater!
(ARMIN goes back to work. BERND screams.)
BERND
Use a knife! Use a knife!
ARMIN
OK. Now you're speaking my language.
(ARMIN rummages around in his bag.)
ARMIN (cont'd)
Scheisse! I sent them out to get sharpened.
BERND
Oh!
ARMIN
Ah-Ha! I found one.
(ARMIN holds up a plastic knife and fork.)
BERND
Nein!
ARMIN
If this can saw through those McDonald's hotcakes, it can go through anything.
(ARMIN goes to work.)
BERND
Edelweiss!
ARMIN
Shut up! I can't concentrate.
(BERND screams again.)
ARMIN
I said...now look what you made me do. The middle tine broke off.
BERND
Fahrvergnügen!
ARMIN
Just--
BERND
DAAAAHHHHHH! OOOOOHHHHHHHH!
ARMIN
I've almost got it...There!
(ARMIN rises.)
ARMIN (cont'd)
(wipes brow) Phew! (Beat) I am pooped.
(BERND lets out a long cry.)
ARMIN
Oh, don't cry. Just think: soon my digestive track will turn all your vital organs into doody.
BERND
I feel faint. Mother? Mother is that you?
ARMIN
(frightened) MOTHER! (To the audience) No! No, mother! It was not I who took humped your snow boots!
BERND
Oh!
ARMIN
Don't worry, Bernd. You just need some nourishment.
BERND
Cook it up good.
ARMIN
I can't. My gas was turned off...(musingly) and then I ate the tasty specimen they sent to turn it back on.
BERND
But I want it sautéed in rare spices.
ARMIN
I'm not fricking Martha Stewart. (Beat) I have an idea.
(ARMIN gets a piece of bread and makes a sandwich. He holds it up to BERND.)
BERND
(heartbreakingly) Oh, Armin. On Vunderbread?
ARMIN
Are you suddenly too good for Vunderbread? Here you go.
(ARMIN breaks a piece off for BERND and they dine.)
BERND
It's gut.
ARMIN
Das ist gut?
BERND
Ja, gut.
ARMIN
Ja!
BERND
Ja!
(BERND passes out. ANNOUNCER enters eating a hotdog.)
ANNOUNCER
Yes, folks. On Vunderbread. (Regarding the hotdog) Das ist gut. I mean, it's good.
(Slow fade as ANNOUNCER continues to eat.)
END OF PLAY
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2003/dec/04/germany.lukeharding
https://nypost.com/2003/12/10/total-whack-job-cannibals-hideous-castration-attempts-caught-on-video/
Hi johnthefelon,
Thank you for your entry in to #comedyopenmic comedy contest. We have asked the judges below to review your entry and give it a funny rating, this will determine your ultimate position when the results are tallied.
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Thank you to @matytan for the great banner
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The announcer likes to eat wieners too it seems. Wait, the announcers name wouldn't be Armin would it? It doesn't get any fresher than this.
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I think the announcer got caught up in it. That's what happens in cannibal circles, or so I've heard.
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Well, I'm ready for breakfast. I think it will be farmer sausage and eggs this morning. Thanks for the suggestion.
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And don't use a knife.
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A lot of good stuff in here, John.
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Thanks. I wish I could've seen it staged.
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And all I ever wanted was frickin wings on ma penis
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Seriously.
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Hahaha another classic just waiting to be discovered! Zimbabwe spices? What else goes so we'll with penis?!
Lol I love the way your mind works!😂
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I like the way you talk. Stay tuned ;)
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Now you've peaked my interest @johnthefelon 😎
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Such a Prude troupe. That needs to be made into a radio show!
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Thank you. What I didn't understand was their inconsistency. For instance, they thought Hold the Fava Beans went too far, yet they staged a five-part runner of mine called The Gorilla Series. It started with a man getting raped by two gorillas as he's getting dressed for work. Naturally, he's late to work and cannot tell his boss what really happened. Then his girlfriend takes him to the zoo and he sees the same two gorillas mocking him from their gorilla pit. Then he goes to his parents' house for dinner, only to find that they are the same two gorillas. Then a psychiatrist comes out to explain the whole thing to the audience until he meets a similar fate. Stage directions called for the gorillas to start attacking members of the audience, but it was cut. That was probably a good call.
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