With all its stories of death and destruction, the Bible is an endless source of comedic material. This short play is a retelling of the story of Sodom and Gomorrah.

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EUGENE'S LOT IN LIFE

Characters
LOT, M
IMPRUDENCE, F - Lot’s wife.
GONORRHEA, F - Lot's older daughter.
CHLAMYDIA, F - Lot's younger daughter.
EUGENE KERPLOTNIK, M - Lot's apprentice.
HORATIO, M - first angel sent by God.
FELLATIO, M - second angel sent by God.
NARRATOR, M (offstage)
ANGRY MOB (offstage)
(At rise, the stage is vacant. Some
appropriately epic music plays as a
background to the narrative.)

NARRATOR (off)
There are few who have not heard the story of Sodom and Gomorrah: the
tale of two cities so corrupt and wicked that God wiped them from the face of
the earth. Most also know it as a story of salvation, the story of Lot, a
righteous man who was spared God's wrath and allowed to escape Sodom
before its destruction. But few know the story of Eugene Kerplotnik, Lot's
apprentice who happened to visit the night Sodom and Gomorrah were
destroyed.

(LOT sits alone at a table.)

LOT
Imprudence! Imprudence! Where is that wife of mine?

(IMPRUDENCE enters.)

IMPRUDENCE
My God, Lot, what is it? I swear, you call my name every five seconds.

LOT
Where have you been?

IMPRUDENCE
Well, I was down at the market and I met this nice man who sold me these
twelve magic beans he said will bring us good luck.

LOT
Again? How much did you spend this time?

IMPRUDENCE
Oh, it was a bargain! They only cost us a loaf of bread and a pound of salt.

LOT
A pound of salt! Do you know how hard it is to get salt these days?

IMPRUENCE
Don’t have a conniption. I’ll get you your salt.

LOT
Where are you going to get that kind of salt?

IMPRUDENCE
I’ll get it, I’ll get it.

LOT
You know, I’m sorry, Dear, but all of your ideas are really... half-baked.

IMPRDUENCE
Well, you keep saying how much you want a son to keep the family bloodline
going, and this nice man said all you have to do is rub these beans all over
your downstairs area three times a day for a week.

LOT
Three times a day, huh? I swear this town's full of crooks! I’ll bet you there
aren’t ten honest men in this town. Besides, those won’t help us anyway.

IMPRUDENCE
Why not?

LOT
Because I already know why I don’t have a son.

IMPRUDENCE
Why?

LOT
Because we haven’t had sex in twelve years.

IMPRUDENCE
Has it been that long?

LOT
Yesterday a guy thought I was a camel. Things are starting to back up.

IMPRUDENCE
Oh stop.

LOT
Look, the girls are out and our guest won’t be arriving for at least five
minutes. What do you say? Just once for old time’s sake?

IMPRUDENCE
I have a headache.

LOT
You always have a headache.

IMPRUDENCE
I know, I can’t seem to get rid of it.

LOT
Ah, what's the use? Well, can you at least prepare dinner? Eugene is
stopping by; I’m going to re-introduce him to the girls.

IMPRUDENCE
Oh, Eugene is such a nice boy. But our girls are already engaged to be
married.

LOT
I know, but there's something strange about their fiancés. I can't put my
finger on it.

IMPRUDENCE
Stop it. They're nice boys. And they're already good friends which is an
added bonus. Those two are practically inseparable.

LOT
That's what bothers me.

IMPRUDENCE
You should have a chum like that. Maybe then you wouldn't bother me so
much.

LOT
If I had a friend like that I'm sure I wouldn't.

IMPRUDENCE
There's nothing wrong with them. They're fine, decent young men; and
they're such fantastic cooks! And how about the time they redecorated our
house? I wish you loved interior design half as much!

LOT
What about that "fishing trip" they took---just the two of them out there all
alone.

IMPRUDENCE
What's wrong with that?

LOT
They were gone for three days.

IMPRUDENCE
Maybe the fish weren't biting.

LOT
They were on the Dead Sea.

IMPRUDENCE
I don't understand what you're getting at.

LOT
Dear Imprudence. Open up your eyes! Our daughters' fiancés are...that
way.

IMPRUDENCE
Oh, it's all in your head.

LOT
We'll see.

(Sounds of commotion.)

IMPRUDENCE
Here come the girls. I don't want to hear a word about your conspiracy
theories.

(LOT’S daughters enter.)

GONORRHEA & CHLAMYDIA
Hi Daddy. Hi Mom.

LOT
Well if it isn't my beautiful daughters.

IMPRUDENCE
Hello girls.

(IMPRUDENCE kisses both her daughters.)

LOT
Where are your fiancés, Salám and Nimrod?

GONORRHEA
We were at the market when Salám spotted a sale on fabric.

CHLAMYDIA
Yeah. He and Nimrod stayed to do some shopping.

GONORRHEA
Listen to this: they said they've already designed our wedding gowns!

CHLAMYDIA
Yeah. Now all they need is the material.

GONORRHEA
Isn't that exciting?

LOT
That's...great.

(LOT shoots IMPRUDENCE a glance.)

IMPRUDENCE
I think I'll prepare supper.

(IMPRUDENCE exits.)

LOT
So they're not going to be here for dinner?

GONORRHEA
Probably not.

LOT
Great! I mean, that's too bad; but don't worry, I have a special surprise for
you.

CHLAMYDIA
What?

LOT
Look, I know you two are engaged to Nimrod and Salami--

GONORRHEA
His name's Salám.

LOT
Right, right: Salám. But there's someone I'd like you to consider instead.

GONORRHEA
Who?

LOT
Eugene Kerplotnik.

CHLAMYDIA
That dork?

LOT
Now, now. Give him a chance. All I'm asking for is one date. Please? For
me?

GONORRHEA
Dad, he was the biggest geek in our school!

LOT
Eugene's a great guy, and he's smart. He's the region's abacus champion
three years running.

GONORRHEA
Ugh! That is so uncool.

CHLAMYDIA
Yeah! And besides, I love Nimrod. He's warm, and sensitive, and he's such
a good listener... and he has the absolute best taste in sandals.

LOT
Gevald!

(There's a knock at the door.)

LOT (cont'd)
Eugene's here. Will you just give him a chance?

GONORRHEA
Oh Daddy, how could you?

CHLAMYDIA
I wouldn't want him if he were the last man on earth!

(LOT rises and opens the door. Eugene
enters.)

LOT
Eugene! Come right in!

EUGENE
Thank you. Sorry I'm late, but a large crowd has gathered. I think it's a
festival dedicated to the sun god. Everything's in rainbow colors.

LOT
You don't say.

EUGENE
Yeah, and they're erecting a giant tower.

LOT
Not another Tower of Babel!

EUGENE
No, all those men seem to be speaking the same language.

LOT
I see. Well, that's enough about that, Eugene. You're here with us now.
You remember my two daughters, Gonorrhea and Chlamydia?

EUGENE
Ah, yes. Once you've been introduced to Gonorrhea and Chlamydia, you
never forget.

LOT
That sure was nice of you to say. Don't you think so, girls?

GONORRHEA
I think I hear mother calling.

CHLAMYDIA
Me too. I think she needs help with supper.

(They both exit. EUGENE follows.)

EUGENE
Hey, I'll show you one of my culinary discoveries. If you don't let the bread
rise, it goes great with soup.

(EUGENE exits.)

LOT
Dear Lord: I have always tried to lead a pious life, always tried to do what's
right. So why have I been dealt two daughters who will never bear me
grandchildren, and a wife who has not performed her wifely duties since The
Great Flood? Please, dear Lord, please hear my prayer. Send down two
beautiful angels--preferably blondes--who will cure my lonely nights so I may
again know happiness.

(HORATIO and FELLATIO burst through the
door.)

LOT
Ah! Who are you?

HORATIO
I am Horatio, and this is Fellatio. We are angels sent down by the Lord.

LOT
(With head raised) That's not what I had in mind.

FELLATIO
There's no time to explain. You must gather up all who are dear to you and
leave this city. The outcry against this place is so great that the Lord has
sent us to destroy it!

LOT
Oy vey! I just finished paying off my house!

(They hear a loud banging on the door and
voices from the CHORUS accompanied by
catcalls.)

MOB MEMBER#1 (O.S.)
Hey, you in there! Send out those two luscious hunks that just strolled into
town.

MOB MEMBER#2 (O.S.)
Yeah, we want to get to know them, and I do mean that in a biblical sense.

(LOT'S wife, two daughters, and EUGENE
enter.)

IMPRUDENCE
What's going on? (seductively) And who are these two?
LOT

(To IMPRUDENCE) Got a headache, eh?

MOB MEMBER #3 (O.S.)
You better open this door, Lot, or we'll break it down!

(LOT opens his door and addresses the
"mob".)

LOT
Friends and neighbors: you must not speak so. These are not men who have
come to stay with me. They are angels.

MOB (O.S.)
You're telling us, Honey!

LOT
You don't understand. They are the angels Horatio and Fellatio sent down by
the Lord.

MOB (O.S.)
We want Fellatio! We want Fellatio!

FELLATIO
These people are more corrupt than I thought.

LOT
Well, if you don't fear the wrath of God, at least honor the fact that these
men are my guests. I cannot send out my guests to you.

(LOT grabs his two daughters and brings
them to the door.)

LOT (cont'd)
Look, I have two daughters who have never known a man. Let me bring
them out, and you can do to them whatever you wish.

HORATIO
He gets my vote for father of the year.

(EUGENE runs to the door.)

EUGENE
No! Spare the innocence and purity of Gonorrhea and Chlamydia! Let me
face this mob.

LOT
That sounds like a great idea.

(LOT grabs EUGENE, throws him out the
door, and slams it shut. As soon as the door
is shut, there is silence.
There is a knock at the door. LOT answers
it. EUGENE enters. He has a sign “Return to
Sender” hanging around his neck. LOT pulls
EUGENE inside. The rioting noises resume.)

LOT
Now what do we do?

HORATIO
There's no time for this. (Dramatically) We are going to destroy this city
now! (Beat, then in normal voice) I suggest you get moving.

LOT
Are you kidding? I'm an old man, and...well, get a load of that sour puss
(motioning toward IMPRUDENCE). Does she look like she’s going anywhere?

FELLATIO
Everyone! Gather around and hold hands. Horatio and I will go outside.
When we have, you should all count to three. You'll then be transported
safely beyond the city. But I warn you: you mustn't look back on this city.
Don't look behind you!

HORATIO
The hour is at hand! Fellatio! We go!

(HORATIO and FELLATIO exit. The group
counts to three and the lighting becomes a
red wash.)

GONORRHEA
Where are we?

CHLAMYDIA
I'm scared!

EUGENE
(To CHLAMYDIA) So, are you doing anything Saturday night?

LOT
We must be beyond the city, up on top of the mountain!

IMPRUDENCE
Really? You know, I've always wondered if we could see our house from up
here.

(IMPRUDENCE motions as if to turn around.)

LOT
What are you doing? Don't you hear the thunder? Can't you hear the
screaming? Sodom is being destroyed! Fellatio warned us not to look back.

IMPRUDENCE
You just love saying that name, don't you? Well I want to look.

LOT
Imprudence! You mustn't...you can't...you...on second thought, you know,
I've always wondered what our house looked like from up here myself.

IMPRUDENCE
I'm sure one little peek won't hurt.

(IMPRUDENCE exits. They hear a
thunderclap. The lighting becomes a regular
wash.)

NARRATOR (off)
And so it happened that Lot's wife did not heed the angel's warning, and was
turned into a pillar of salt. Later, in the evening of that infamous day, an
intoxicated Lot reflects upon his fortune and the series of events that
changed his life forever.

LOT
This sucks! I'm telling ya! I got no luck. No luck at all!

GONORRHEA
There, there, Daddy. I know you're upset. I miss Mom too.

LOT
Miss her? Are you kidding? My wife is turned into a pillar of salt?!

CHLAMYDIA
I know, it's terrible.

LOT
A pillar of salt! Do either of you realize what the street value of your mother
was?

GONORRHEA
What?

LOT
Especially now. These past few years...she was really putting on the pounds.

CHLAMYDIA
Daddy, how could you?

LOT
And then just as I'm about to reap my reward, those crazed beasts appear
out of nowhere and licked her till there was nothing left.

GONORRHEA
Yeah, but they were so cute.

CHLAMYDIA
They had those big doey brown eyes—

GONORRHEA
And such cute antlers--

LOT
Enough! I'm going to bed.

(LOT staggers out the door.)

EUGENE
So...ladies.

CHLAMYDIA
What?

EUGENE
It just occurred to me that with the destruction of Sodom and the
surrounding cities, there are no young men left. How will you preserve your
family line?

GONORRHEA
(Beat) Shit.

EUGENE
Luckily for you, I have thought about it, and I am ready to offer you my
services.

GONORRHEA
What do you mean?

EUGENE
I mean I’ve had my eye on you two for a long time. I had so much to give
you, but instead you laughed at me and made fun of me... (To CLAMYDIA)
and LIED to me!

CHLAMYDIA
No, I really did have to babysit my neighbors’ cats that night.

EUGENE
Well now you need me, and all I can say is that I'm really gonna enjoy this.
I suggest you two freshen up. I’ll bring the popcorn.

(EUGENE exits.)

CHLAMYDIA
What do we do?

GONORRHEA
I don't know. I mean, he's right: you know how important it is that we keep
the family bloodline going. It's bigger than us both.

CHLAMYDIA
Surely there must be another way. The thought of sleeping with that man
makes me nauseas.

GONORRHEA
What are we supposed to do? He is the last man on earth!

(Sounds of LOT snoring come from off
stage.)

GONORRHEA (cont'd)
Or is he?

(CHLAMYDIA looks offstage and then back at
her sister.)

CHLAMYDIA
You mean?

GONORRHEA
You have any better suggestions?

CHLAMYDIA
No. But you can't be serious. With...with...?

GONORRHEA
Would you rather have him in our bloodline?

EUGENE (O.S.)
Are you ready my loves?

(GONORRHEA grabs a bottle of wine.)

GONORRHEA
Come on, let's get this over wit!

(GONORRHEA drags CLAMYDIA off stage.)

CLAMYDIA
No...no...OK. OK. No. OK. OK. No, no, OK...

(GONORRHEA and CLAMYDIA exit.
EUGENE enters with a bag of popcorn.)

EUGENE
Ladies? Gonorrhea? Cla-MYD-ia? Where did you run off to---

(EUGENE looks offstage to where the girls
exited.)

EUGENE
No. No! Nooooo!!!! My God! Why have you forsaken me!

(EUGENE drops to his knees and weeps. At
some point during the end narration, he
starts watching LOT and his daughters
having sex offstage and starts to eat the
popcorn.)

NARRATOR
And now you know the true story of Sodom and Gomorrah; the story of
God's judgment; the story of Lot and his daughters; and the story of Eugene
Kerplotnik, a man who couldn't get laid even if he was the second to last
man on earth and the last man on earth was the father of the last two
women on earth...or something like that. It is a lesson to lonely people
everywhere that no matter how moribund your love life is, it's not as bad as
Eugene Kerplotnik's.

END OF PLAY

I nominate @tenhanger and @kat1977 to participate in this comedyopenmic