Comedy Open Mic Round 27 – A Prosy Elegy to a President That Can Walk

_{Screenshot from The Guardian Nigeria}

You know one of those rare times a politician is so frigging honest that they give you a sweet nostalgic feeling of what it once felt like to be childish growing up? Such moment when they toss their managed sanity out the window and be their real selves. This past holiday President Buhari reminded us of when the little girls in primary school would do that stunt that threw their flared gowns in the air to show off their new under pants. Yeah, I was born in the 80's! We the blokes just acted like it was so hot and and we desperately had to undo our first three buttons to reveal that superman singlet under our uniforms.

Either are as hilarious as a president bragging about his ability to walk a whole 800m? No! this is NOT Donald Trump being... well Trump; this is a real life president, albeit with the brain of a fish too. I mean cut big man some slack. Dude tweets ferociously and hasn't once stopped to toot the horn of his finger agility. Or fingagility.

The big news from Aso Rock became that, in a "demonstration of fitness," Buhari walked 800m from the Eid-el-Kabir prayer ground to his private resident in Daura, according to the president's lunatic media peddlers. What a time to be alive!

Let me say that loud: Nigeria's president can walk (not fly, glide, slide, hop, teleport, or bop!) 800 fucking meters. METERS with a big M! Not millimeters. Can your president even? That's gangster! 😎😎😎 So... Russia, shall we now hear your own pitch for being admitted into the G7 forum?

I have always thought of Buhari to be a mummified blockhead, with no close calibration to real life, so I wasn't surprised that his federal government could pull such tomfoolery. If I were I would have bothered to remind Mr. President that my front door to the closest bus stop where I start my day off is a quarter of his ceremonial distance, and because it has too many potholes and demands much more effort to maintain proper gait on, I expend as much energy as walking 1,600 Buharimeters. Or tell him about my aged grandma who still has to bend many hours on her farmland because successions of irresponsible governments (which he has been a key part of) have left her poor and still walking working to her grave.

Second reason I won't bother saying all that is because I am not petty. But guess who is petty...

_{Screenshot from Twitter}

Yeah. Atiku Abubakar. The other serious contender for Presidency at the 2019 polls. Dude throws more shade than Eminem dared to aim at Everlast at his prime. You would admit it is a sad time to be a Nigerian, with leaders too far ahead of their time. Politics has become a playground of dogs. Just last week, a sitting Senator reportedly made reference to Hitler's invasion of Warsaw as his party's planned tactic to take over government in his own state, publicly.

I have to stop. You know when @markangeltrueman challenged me to a #comedyopenmic, I was a bit bothered about the gloomy, uneventful past few days I had with very few laugh stop overs... then I went on Twitter and there it was screaming right at me. My clown of the week goes to Muhamadu Buhari a.k.a Johnnie Walker. Walk on, amigo... 🚶‍♀️🚶‍♀️🚶‍♀️

_{"Keep walking, Johnie Walker" by ehroo}

Now I am going to nominate @greenrun and @thatdamiguy to take on this beast of an openmic. It's a walking season, walk the talk, guys.