Comedy Open Mic Round 32 (Entry #2) : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 35 - Itchyelbow's Emporium.

I love kettles, but do I love them too much? Well according to the judge I do. Now I'm no longer allowed to enter any electrical retailer within 100 miles. I suppose I should have stopped when I heard all the other customers screaming and saw the mothers shielding their children's eyes. But you know how it is when you're in the mood for the love that only a kettle can give you. Everything else recedes into the background. All you can hear is the music of Barry White as you slowly stroke that spout. Teasing it into tumescence. Blind to all else except your burgeoning need to fill that kettle like it's never been filled before. Kettle love: the purist form of love a man can have. Kettle love is about giving. Giving that kettle a bloody good seeing to. Your honor I have no further witnesses, the case for the defense rests.

(The copyright for this image is the property of Dain Yoon)

There, off to the right, lay the domed city of Bristol. Pale blue and iridescent. The absolute pinnacle of human achievement. While over to the left, Jake could make out the sparkling lights of some kind of settlement. To be honest it wasn't the lights that had first drawn his attention to the place. They'd been concealed by a small hill as he and Pip approached. It was the smell. An indescribable odor that had hints of dead fish and dog shit, intermingled with week old sweat and burning tires. In a funny way it reminded him of home. The cleanliness of the air here was intimidating. You got the impression you were polluting it by breathing. Where there are people there is pollution. An absence of pollution therefore indicated an absence of people. Or so Jake reasoned. The clean air not only made you think no one had been here it also hinted that no one should be here.

As they drew closer he could make out the nearest buildings. No glittering gleaming spires thrusting into the sky. The chief construction material looked like wood. It could have been a manufactured wood substitute for all he knew, but for now it was wood. No two of the buildings looked alike. The builders having ignored any planning in its fabrication. They marked out a plot of land then put something on it without regard for their neighbors or any overriding design. Town planning did not exist in this place. If the city of Bristol was Rome then these people would be the barbarians at the gates. He'd already seen more people up here than in the megalink. Though only in the distance. Houses and other buildings were scattered everywhere. No roads, and the paths were those made by the feet of the locals as they picked their way from one place to the next.

It was hard to make out whether they were heading in a particular direction. Pip led the way and often darted between the exteriors of structures less than a foot apart. A few looked modern. As in space age. What did they call these things in science fiction? Ah yes, that was it. Habitats. Metal boxes with automatic sliding doors and picture windows in their sides. Were those bullet holes? Surely not. In a place this advanced they must at least have laser blasters or similar. Finally they reached what Jake considered the main street. Although it wasn't straight or even paved, there were several people walking along the worn earth and no one had put a house in the middle of it. He tried hard not to study people. As far as he knew these were the barbarians. They might not take too kindly to someone examining them minutely. Natural curiosity drew him into casual glances and slow turning of his head to pass over the subject. Nothing high tech about their clothes. From what he knew of his own planet's history these folks looked as though they'd stepped out of the late 18th or early 19th century. The best dressed people had buttons. The others had ties on their clothing. To a man and woman they wore sturdy boots. Either calf or knee length.

Then there were the steam punk elements which to his surprise didn't look out of place. Tall hats and a lot of brass. Holy crap some of these denizens were carrying flintlock pistols. One man had two at his waist and another four on holsters crossing his chest. Were they functional or decorative? They'd been walking in the same direction for a few hundred yards. Jake cast his eyes along the main street and for the first time in his life he gasped. There was a forest of masts at the end. A harbor full of sailing ships. This place had 12 story high air ships, maglev trains and pre-steam age boats. This was intriguing. Could it be possible that this was some kind of subculture. Akin to Goth's or other cultural movements. So many questions to ask that he couldn't decide which one Pip would refuse to answer. Either that or offer an explanation that produced even more questions.

"Pip? You said people were practically immortal here so how come you lost both your parents?"
She shrugged as only a young girl can.
"Dunno. Must have got careless. Never knew them. All I know is the government facility I grew up in and that was shit."
"Haven't you ever tried to find them or discover what happened to them? It should be pretty easy given how advanced this place is. The records must be extensive."
"I wasn't born here. I was born in The Never. At least that's what they told me."
Pip was not particularly interested in this line of inquiry. He decided to fan the flames of enthusiasm within her.
"Think of it though. You could be the daughter of some intrepid traveler. The love child of a king or princess."
"Mmm. Or me dad could have been a serial killer and me mother a whore. That's more likely. Never met a king or a princess. Met plenty of killers and whores though. Sometimes it's been one and the same person."
"Tell you what. When Hermes comes back online... if he comes back online, I'll have him do a search for you. How would you like that?"
"How would you like a kick in yer balls? No thanks. Some things are best left hidden."
"Like where you're taking me and what we are doing?"
"That's right. We're higgledy-piggledy human beings floundering in chaos at the best of times. The machines? They got to have order and data and comprehension. I don't want nothing to do with machine thinking. That's why we all live out here on the edge of the greatest human civilization ever known. That's run by fucking machines."
"One things for sure. You didn't learn that kind of language off your parents. So when do we get to meet this Itchyelbow guy then."
Try as he might, Jake couldn't keep the laughter out of his voice.
"Sooner than either of us likes, that's for sure. He's crooked as a corkscrew. Not someone anybody likes dealing with. Not even the feds."
"You keep mentioning them. Do they come out here often?"
"At least once a day. They fly a recon drone over the harbor mostly. Checking arrivals and departures. Every once in a while they send in a patrol. Here we are. This is his place. Let me do all the talking and don't do anything until after you've checked it with me. He's a slippery slimy bastard."

The place they were standing in front of was pretty impressive compared to the rest of the settlement. Six of the modern habitats stacked three high. Brightly lit from top to bottom and with a sign outside: Itchyelbow's Emporium. Thieves and trespassers will be terminated with extreme prejudice. Pip pressed what had to be an intercom or entryphone. There was some static and a voice Jake couldn't make out. She replied so softly he couldn't catch that either. There was a loud buzzer and the door popped open. They stepped into a spacious room with a door on the opposite side behind a long counter. To either side of the counter stood two very large men. Both armed to the teeth. Their main weapon being similar to the one he'd seen Doxy produce during the bank robbery. Otherwise the place was pretty much empty. The two men eyed Jake and Pip maliciously. Looking for an excuse to kill them he assumed. The one on the right fitted some kind of contraption to his hand with a strap and proceeded to run it over Jake and the girl. He studied the readings and then showed them to the other guard who nodded then spoke for the first time.

"Stay back behind the red line. Should you cross the red line you will be killed. Do not make any sudden movements. Should there be any sudden movements you will be killed. When we tell you to do something do it immediately. If you do not you will be killed. Understand?"
Jake had a couple of questions but thought it best not to raise them just yet. He answered in the affirmative, as did Pip. The formalities concluded the second guard spoke into a wrist communicator. Confirming that everything was in order. At that point the door opposite them opened. Two more heavily armed men walked through followed by the fattest, ugliest thing Jake had ever laid eyes on. He was dripping with sweat and puffing like a marathon runner. Obviously Pip hadn't told him that while the medical care was first rate the plastic surgeons were awful. If that was the peak of this mans physical fitness then he'd been brought back from the dead. At least a dozen times. Which as it turned out wasn't far from the truth.
"Ah Pip. Wasn't expecting to see you again so soon." Even the mans voice was oily and greasy. "What brings you to Itchyelbow's Emporium today?"
Jake stifled a snort and desperately forced his face into a neutral expression.
"You know why I'm here, don't play coy. I got collectibles ya might be interested in."
She pulled out the twenty pound note Jake had given her to examine. One of the guards snatched it from her, examining it closely before handing it to the other one who used his palm device on it. Eventually it was handed over to Itchyelbow. His pudgy face wrinkled as he perused it minutely.
"There's not much call for this sort of thing these days. What's the story?"
"Comes from a universe that don't exist anymore. For all we know it's unique."
"I could scan and replicate this and a million like it." Itchyelbow riposted.
"You could but none of them would be original and anyone would be able to find out they were fakes. Can the shit and tell me what you're offering for it. I can find a buyer somewhere else."
"That remains to be seen. I'll give you a tenth of a credit."
Pip guffawed derisively.
"Its worth at least a credit in anybody's money."
"Not mine I'm afraid."
"Right." Pip replied. "Give it here and we'll be off."
He held up a hand.
"Not so fast Pip. I got a soft spot for you as you know."
"It's more like a hard spot you pervert." The guards responded aggressively, pointing their weapons at Jake and Pip. Itchyelbow told them to stand down.
"Leave her be. My fondness for this young lady makes me more amenable. I'll give you half a credit for it."
"Bullshit. It's worth a credit to you and you'll sell it for at least ten to some collector."
The greasy tub raised his hands placatingly.
"Half a credit now and the other half if and when I sell it. That's my final offer."
Pip muttered about robbery under her breath.
"Deal. I want a full receipt."
"That I can do. It's not going to get your captain out of chokey is it Pip. Not by a long way. I've got a position you could fill that'll get you there a lot faster."
"I'll let you know." She answered snatching the receipt from the guard. Nothing else changed hands. Pity. Jake would have loved to see what a credit looked like. As soon as they exited the emporium Jake asked the one question he thought more important than all the thousands of others on offer.
"I'm not 100% sure what you have achieved here Pip. Firstly I've got about a hundred more of those notes we could have sold. Secondly even if we sold the lot we'd only have a hundred credits. That's not going to pay off the bail is it. What exactly have you accomplished here?"
Pip gave him a beaming smile.
"Well I've got a receipt that shows Itchyelbow was willing to pay a credit for one of those notes. Everybody round here knows that must mean they're worth at least ten times that. As long as you don't sell them to Itchyelbow. He'll have that up and the net by now. Bids will be flying in from all over. As soon as he's sold it we'll know its market value and be able to sell them ourselves."
"That seems good but that would still only raise a thousand credits. Even if we got a hundred per note it would only be ten thousand. We've got to get the captain and the crew out and then try to get the Scarlet Harlot back. I don't imagine that'll be cheap either."
"Correction. We only have to get the captain out. The captain will do all the rest. Anyway this is seed money Jake. You gotta speculate to accumulate. Tell me are you a betting man?"
"Not in any sense of the word."
"Then from this point on your life is going to much crazier."
"I bet it's going to hurt a lot more as well isn't it?"
"It's going to sting like a bitch."

I would like to nominate @magnata and @majordon for the next round.