So, I knew a guy online from the nerdcore hip-hop era who happened to also be a hemophiliac. Knowing that I was an author, he approached me to develop a comic for his hemophilia foundation with him. What we came up with was Hemo Hero.
Now, I'm not what you'd call a kid's writer. I'm pretty much the opposite of that. What would you call that? Oh, yeah, an adult writer. So I was in some ways an odd choice. I mean, I am ONE OF THE GREATEST UNKNOWN WRITERS OF THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY and all, but still. (Citation: https://www.amazon.com/Radar-Love-Ultimate-Hustle-1/dp/1479222054/) I tend toward the lurid, the pulpy, the sex-and-druggy. It was a fun challenge, reining myself in. To a degree. It did lead to ongoing problems, as you shall see.
For one thing, I was good for at least one off-color joke per issue. In this one, I SWEAR TO GOD, I THOUGHT SHE WAS FOURTEEN. Actually, she was. But for demographic reasons, he changed her age to twelve. "THE JOKE STAYS", I said. I'm sort of a dick when it comes to creative license. I also argued to change 'burrito' back to Hot Pocket. I just noticed that made a sort of extended tasteless joke.
Good. Whatever.
The artist was a female, so I don't think we can be blamed fully for how the character's sister came out. She is borderline manga-esque in how cute her outfits are.
Another complaint he lodged at me repeatedly (issues two and three were written, but never published) was that I wasn't writing toward the target demographic enough, and had too many things that would fly over a younger kid's head. So, naturally, I went even more high-minded. I know my son could read it at that age. Plus a good book should expand one's vocabulary, and foster further intellectual development.
It was in-jokey, at times. The character was originally named Baxter. Until someone pointed out that Baxter was a company that poisoned a bunch of hemophiliacs or something. Oops.
It all fell apart over funding. Because, as we learned with the first issue, the hemophilia-related pharmaceutical companies wouldn't advertise in the same issue as each other. Our plan was to run two ads, which would fund a thousand copies per issue. Instead we could only run one, which lead to a shortfall, ending our noble experiment right after launch. I didn't handle the business end, but I tend to think this could have been overcome, somehow.
One very exciting connection which we were unable to utilize was the fact that Jay, the project lead, had met the woman from Mad TV and Family Guy at a conference, where he learned that her son was a hemophiliac. Naturally, the third issue featured a cameo by her, and was full of jokes lightly bashing The Simpsons and Family Guy. It was probably my one big chance to get noticed as a writer.
sighs
At any rate, I'm really happy to have been involved, and still find myself proud of the work we did together. Yes, it is decidedly a bit Calvin & Hobbes derived. There are worse things to riff off of than that. I do wish it had been longer, and with less filler. We learned a lot of things along the way that would have made the next issues much better. The ending, which felt good on paper, just sort of trails off. There are a few minor typos I'm not too happy about.
But it's a sweet story, funny, and was for a good cause. And, hey, I get to say I published a comic book once. Sort of a dream come true. I do have a few graphic novels I'd love to produce someday, if I ever meet the right artist. The truth is, most of them are horrendously expensive. All I can offer is some sort of financial incentive upfront, and the rights for them to keep 100% of the copies they sell themselves. I think it might happen eventually.
And, of course, I'd love to revive the series, if one of the seven people who read this article have a way to make that happen. If nothing else, it does go to show you that pulling something like this off is entirely possible for a few determined individuals, even if only on a small scale. It's nice to think we amused and entertained a few kids and adults who probably needed a bit of cheering up.
At any rate, here it is in its entirely, Hemo Hero #1.
BONUS! I dug out the script for the third Hemo Hero, my favorite one.
Hemo Hero Issue #3 – The Family Guy Issue
Sera (To mom and dad – all seated on the couch: “That Simpsons episode was hilarious!”
Bastian (Walking in, reading a book. Doesn't look up.): “Was it the one where Homer jumps the shark?”
Sera: “Snuh? No, but Family Guy's next. I hope Peter fights the chicken. That never gets old.”
Bastian: “It kinda does.”
Mom: “No Family Guy for you, Bastian. It's too adult.”
Bastian: “Oh, dear. I guess I shall have to continue reading this book on epistemology.”
Sera: “You're learning about bugs?”
Bastian: “That's entomology.”
Sera: “The origins of words?”
Bastian: “Etymology. Epistemology is concerned with the origins of knowledge itself. But, yes, this cartoon is too advanced for me.”
Dad: “That Lois is kind of hot.”
Sera: “Dad!”
Dad: “Almost as hot as your mom.”
Sera: “Dad!”
Mom: “She really is.”
Sera: “Mom! Dad, you're more of a Homer than a Peter, anyway.”
Dad: “Gee, thanks.”
Sera: “Bastian, that makes you Stewie.”
Bastian: “Shut up, Meg.”
Sera: “It's true. You're both young, super-smart. You build...things.”
Bastian: “But he uses his powers for evil. At least he used to.”
Sera: “What's the difference?”
Bastian: (sighs) “Not another discussion on subjective morality. I told you, the nihilist position is untenable. For example...”
Sera: “Hahahaha! Peter bumped his knee!”
Bastian: “I'm out.”
Bastian: (In his room.): “Perhaps a quick glance at Facebook...”
(Checks his computer.): “Oh, dear. It appears a fellow bleeder is being bullied. And he's been challenged to a fight.”
Bastian (Typing.): “Hey, Quint. What's wrong?”
Quint (Typing.): “That over-sized third-grader wants to fight me in real life.”
Bastian (Typing.): “Billy? Why?”
Quint (Typing.): “Probably because his last name is Dumas.”
Bastian (Typing.): “Ha! What are you going to do?”
Quint (Typing.): “I don't know. He says that if he sees me in the park tomorrow, he'll hit me.”
Bastian (Typing.): “Perhaps you need an adult.”
Quint (Typing.): “Tattle? Snitches get stitches, Bastian.”
Bastian (Typing.): “Ah, yes. The schoolyard code. Well, no friend of mine will be pushed around by a future dropout.”
Quint (Typing.): “I'm kinda scared...”
Bastian (Typing.): “Don't be. I'll handle it.”
Quint (Typing.): “Promise?”
Bastian (Typing.): “Scout's honor.”
Quint (Typing.): “What's that?
Bastian (Typing.): “A forgotten concept, sadly. But I'll be there.”
Quint (Typing.): “Cool beans.”
Bastian (Typing.): “Who says that?”
Quint (Typing.): “Your mom?”
Bastian (Typing.): “She actually does. Well, don't fret. I'll be there.”
Quint (Typing.): “Yay!”
Bastian (Typing.): “Blood brothers stick together.”
Bastian (Says.): “This is a job for...”
(Enters closet.)
(Emerges in costume.): “The Hemo Hero!”
(Pauses.): “Tomorrow. This book is fascinating.”
Bastian (Sitting in bed in costume, chuckles.): “Oh, Ayn Rand. You were such a card!”
(Bastian soon dozes, and dreams of flying, and battling a giant robot, dodging laser eyes and missiles, mid-air.)
(Smashes the robot in the face.): “Take that, Dumas!”
(The robot grabs Bastian, who struggles in the giant's fist, until he bites its thumb and escapes.)
Robot: “No fair!”
Bastian: “Next time, pick on someone your own size. Hasta la vista, Mr. Roboto!”
(Bastian flys behind the robot and pushes a big red button on its back, causing it to fall apart and explode.)
Bastian: “Victory is mine! Why do giant robots have self-destruct buttons in the first place?”
(Bastian flies off into the sunset.)
The next day, Bastian is leaving the house, carrying a bat and duffle bag.
Bastian (To Sera.): “Going to the park.”
Sera: “You? Baseball?”
Bastian: “Healthy body, healthy mind. Besides, I could help the Cubs win the World Series someday.”
Sera: “As if. Be careful...”
Bastian: “Kids playing in a park. What could possibly go wrong?”
Sera: “With you? Anything.”
Bastian: “Nevertheless. Farewell, dear sister.”
Sera watches him leave, eying him with suspicion. “He's up to something...”
At the park, Bastian meets up with Quint.
Quint: “A baseball bat! Brilliant!”
Bastian: “This? Oh, no. Mere window dressing. A cover story. You see, Quint, I'm actually a superhero.”
Quint: “Bastian, you so crazy.”
Bastian: “It's 'you're'.”
Quint: “Vernacular. Idiomatic expression.”
Bastian: “Touché'. Well played.”
At the restrooms, Bastian changes and comes out in his costume.
Quint: “Woah!”
Bastian: “Told you...”
Quint: “I'm sorry I doubted you.”
Bastian: “Understandable. Now, let us...baseball.”
Bastian and Quint play catch in an idyllic setting, under a beautiful summer sky. Birds and kites fly overhead. Then they switch it up and Quint bats as Bastian pitches.
Quint: “You're really good at that! I can't even get a piece of it.”
Bastian: “Baseball is largely a study in physics. Mass, acceleration, trajectory...”
As Quint is preparing to swing, a shadow looms over him ominously.
Billy: “What's up, nerds?” (Grabbing the bat.)
Billy: “I told you to stay out of the park. I'm gonna bust your nose...”
Bastian (Leaping between them.): “You'll have to go through me, first!”
Billy (Laughing.): “Who are you? Super Freak?”
Bastian: “The Hemo Hero. Defender of the defenseless. And I must warn you, I've watched a lot of Youtube fights.”
Billy: “Looks like I'm going to bust two noses today.”
Bastian: “I really didn't think this through.”
Quint (Filming with iPhone.): “Worldstar!”
As Billy draws back, an even bigger shadow engulfs him.
Sera (In costume.): “I wouldn't do that if I were you...”
Bastian: “Sera! I mean, 'Serum'!”
Quint: “No. Way.”
Sera (To Billy.): “What's wrong with you? Picking on little kids...”
Billy: “Well, bigger ones fight back.”
Sera: “I oughta kick your butt!”
Another shadow partially covers Sera...
Family Guy Woman: “Are you bullying this boy? Pick on someone your own size!”
Sera: “Um, I'm taller than you.”
Bastian: “She look like a man.”
Sera: “Poor grammar, Bastian? Anyway, she does not.”
Bastian: “Allow me this one pop culture reference, please.”
Sera: “Who are you, lady?”
Bastian: “Mrs. Swan. I told you.”
Sera: “Anyway, I'm defending my br-, um, my sidekick.”
Bastian: “You're the sidekick!”
Sera: “I see it as more of a partnership. Anyway, Mrs. Swan, this pint-sized crime fighter here is a hemophiliac.”
Quint: “So am I.”
FGW: “That changes everything. I'm sorry I frightened you.”
Sera: “You didn't.”
FGW: “Nice costume, by the way.”
Sera (As they walk away together, talking.): “Thanks! Do you really think so? I was worried the skirt was too short...”
The three boys stand facing each other.
Billy: “Well, this is awkward...”
Bastian: “So did you learn your lesson so we can wrap this up?”
Billy: “Not really. If bullies could be swayed by logic or empathy, they wouldn't be bullies.”
Quint: “He's got a good point, there...”
Bastian: “Yeah. If he wears a hat, no one will see it.”
Quint: “Lol!”
Billy sulks away, fuming and blushing, embarrassed.
Quint: “Thanks, Bastian. I mean...Hemo Hero.”
Bastian: “Not a problem. But I have to run. Others may need me.”
Quint: “See you Monday.”
Bastian: “Toodles.”
At home, Dad is reading the Beck issue of Wired, smoking a tobacco pipe, and mom is knitting, either a gimp mask or a ball gag.
Mom: “What did you do today, Bastian?”
Bastian: “Battled evil. Maybe saved a life. Struck a blow for justice. You know.”
Mom: “Cool beans!”
Dad (Not looking up.) “Good for you, son.”
That night in bed, Bastian continues his dream. As he flies away, we zoom in to the pieces of the broken robot to reveal a label that says, “Property of Stewie Griffin”...
END
Woah! I found #2, also. Turns out we used Dropbox, not Google Drive for working. Twas on another computer, too.
Hemo Hero Issue #2
1: Sera (on the phone): “Yes! I'll ask my mom!”
2: (Hanging up) “Mom, can I go to a concert?” she yells.
3: Mom enters Sera's room, which is decorated with posters. “Hmmm. I don't know... what kind of concert? Sounds dangerous, ” she says.
4: Sera: “It's a rap show...”
5: Mom: “That's gonna be a no go,” mom says.
6: Sera: “It's nerdcore, mom. It's about as dangerous as the library.”
7: Mom: “Libraries are one of the most dangerous institutions in America...”
8: Sera: “Mom! I don't have time for this.”
9: Mom, sighing. “I suppose. If your father says so.”
10: Sera, excitedly dialing. “Dad! I want to go to a show.”
11: Dad: “Like a freak show?”
12: Sera: “Ugh! My parents are impossible. A concert.”
13: Dad: “Ah, the symphony. Sounds sublime. I approve.”
14: Sera: “Thanks, dad!.” Sera hangs up before he asks any more questions.
15: Sera: “He whole-heartedly approves.”
16: Mom: “Take your brother...”
17: Sera: “Aaargh!”
18: Mom: “Final offer.”
19: Sera: “Fine. Bastian!”
20: Bastain appears in pajamas. “You bellowed?”
21: Sera: “Get dressed. We're going to a concert.”
22: Bastain: “Ah, excellent. I love the symphony.”
23: Sera: “It's a rap show.”
24: Bastain: “Sounds dreadful.”
25: Sera: “No, it's a nerd rap show.”
26: Bastain: “You're really not helping.”
27: Sera: “It's a hemophilia benefit...”
28: Bastain: “I'm down.”
29: Sera dials her friend as Bastain leaves. “They said yes! But I have to bring Bastain... I know. We'll meet you there.”
30: Bastain reappears, standing in the b-boy stance, sideways Fifth Element baseball cap, Public Enemy shirt, Locs sunglasses, baggy jeans, unlaced Chuck Taylor Converse sneakers. Around his neck hangs a Video Toaster card on a gold chain.
31: Sera: “You're kidding, right?”
32: Bastain: “How would anyone know the difference?”
33: Sera: “Let's just go before this gets any worse. Mom, we're leaving!”
34: Mom, as the two leave out of the front door, calls out “No twerking!”
- On the bus. Bastain: “This bus smells like pee.”
36: Sera: “All buses do.'
37: Bastain: “So who are we going to see?”
38: Sera: “Um, AlphaRiff. He's also a video producer and stuff. Really cool.”
39: Bastain: “Who else?”
40: Sera: “Billy the Fridge. He's huge.”
41: Bastain: “Big Pun.” (capitalization intended.)
42: Sera meets her friend outside, and they approach the ticket window
43: Sera: “Three, please. One child.”
44: Ticket clerk: “You're all children.”
45: Sera: “Whatever.”
46: Clerk: “Thirty even.”
47: Bastain: “Money well spent.”
48: Inside, Sera says, “Okay, Bastain Rhymes. Don't leave the building. And no antics!”
49: Bastain “Perish the thought. I scarcely know the meaning of the words hijinks and shenanigans.”
50: Onstage, Billy the Fridge and Alpha Riff are performing together, in a Bleedfree shirt, and an “I Bleed Hip-Hop” shirt. Trista, Doug Funnie, MC Frontlot, High-C, Ish1da, Press B and others can be spotted.
51: AlphaRiff: “All the bleeders in the crowd say, 'ho'!”
52: Bastain and others, “Ho!”
53: Billy the Fridge: “Buy a clue if you just don't know!”
54: Bastain runs on stage and stage dives. Then he crowd surfs.
55: AlphaRiff: “Thank y'all for coming out tonight! Peace!”
56: Outside after the show, Bastain says: “What an epic celebration of individuality!”
57: Sera: “I'm glad you had fun. I was only mildly embarrassed.”
58: Bastain: “I can do better.”
59: Back at home, Bastain runs in and says to mom and dad, “It was awesome! So much iambic pentameter and word play!”
60: Mom: “Glad you two had fun, dear. But it's past your bedtime.”
61: Bastain: “I am not even going to complain. Goodnight.”
************************ Part 2 ************************
62: The next day, Bastain is on his laptop. Sera: “What are you working on today?”
63: Bastain: “A location-based messaging system that allows me to track the status of hemos worldwide in real time.”
64: Sera: “Oh, really? What's it called?”
65: Bastain, looking at her quizzically: “Twitter.”
66: Sera: “#Groan.”
67: Bastain: “According to this, there's a kid in our neighborhood that needs help. His mom says he's scared of getting injections.”
68: Sera: “And?”
69: Bastain: “This is a job for the Hemo Heroes!”
70: Sera: “Great. Do I have to wear the costume?”
71: Bastain: “You kinda do.”
72: Sera: “Oh, all right. But you're stacking the dishwasher tonight.”
73: Bastain: “To the bloodmobile! Um, after we change.”
74: Outside, Sera is wearing her Serum costume (skirt, cape, HH logo), and Bastain is wearing his, with a half-face mask (ala Zorro) and utility belt. She's pulling him in a Radio Flyer wagon.
75: They pass the friendly neighborhood mailman, who says, “A little early for Halloween, eh, kids?” and smiles.
76: Sera: “Cosplay,” she explains as they walk by.
77: “Stupid clotter,” Bastain says under his breath after they are out of earshot.
78: Sera: “Bastain!”
79: Bastain: “What? He is.”
80: Sera: “That's a horrible attitude.”
81: Bastain: “It's true. They call us bleeders, don't they?”
82: Sera: “You call yourselves that! Most people are just unaware of hemophilia. Besides, he's probably not stupid.”
83: Bastain: “Probably...”
84: Sera: “Well, superheroes should be better than that.”
85: Bastain: “What is this, a comic book? That's just a stereotype. Superheroes are humans, too.”
86: Sera: “Well, it's rude. Be nice.”
87: Bastain: “Turn left at the corner. It's the next street up.”
88: Outside of the house, Sera says, “Now what?”
89: Bastain: “Now we knock on the door.”
90: Sera: “We can't just knock on the door, and say, 'Hi, we're the Hemo Heroes. We heard there was a problem here.'”
91: Bastain: “Why not?”
92: Sera: “Look at us! They'll call the cops or something.”
93: Bastain: “I begrudgingly admit you may be correct. I have an idea.”
94: He holds a boombox over his head and begins playing Rick Astley's “Never Gonna Give You Up”.
95: Sera: “How will that help?”
96: Bastain: “I just love this song.”
97: Sera: “Look, Spongebob curtains. That must be his room.”
98: Bastain: “A rather pedestrian choice.”
99: Sera throws some pebbles, and a boy opens his window. “Wow!” he says. “Who are you guys?”
100: Bastain: “We're the Hemo Heroes, defenders of justice and stuff.”
101: Boy: “Neat!”
102: Bastain: “I am Hemo Hero, and this is, um...”
103: Sera: “Serum.”
104: Bastain: “Nice...” To the boy, “Are you okay? I heard there was a problem.”
105: Boy: “I don't like factor”
106: Bastain: “Why not? It's awesome.”
107: Boy: “I don't like the needle.”
108: Bastain: “Perfectly understandable. I didn't either, at first. But it's just a tiny pinch. I hardly even notice it anymore.”
109: Boy: “I didn't want to take it, and got punished.”
110: Bastain: “This is quite the conundrum.”
111: Boy: “What's that?”
112: Bastain: “A problem. A puzzle. How old are you?”
113: Boy: “Six.”
114: Bastain: “Well, I'm only seven, I think. But eventually I'll learn to do it myself.”
115: Boy: “That doesn't sound too bad.”
116: Bastain: “It certainly beats the alternative.”
117: Boy: “I didn't know there was anyone else like me around here. This is so cool!”
118: Bastain: “My advice is roll with it. Own it. Accept it as a way of life, and make the best of it.”
119: Boy: “Really? I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I'm afraid I'll get teased.”
120: Bastain: “Stupid clotters.”
121: Boy: “I know, right?”
122: They both smile, and a new friendship is forged.
123: Sera: “If I may, I would suggest you apologize to your parents, and tell them you won't argue about it again. They'll probably forgive you, and then you can come outside and play.”
123: Boy: “That's so crazy, it just might work.”
124: A few minutes later, he emerges, with a bath towel around his neck, and a handkerchief on his head, in emulation of Bastain.
125: Bastain: “Yes! Another victory for the Hemo Heroes!”
126: Boy: “Let's play Captain Blood!”
127: Bastain: “Aye! The bleedingest bleeder pirate what ever done bleeded. Avast!”
128: Sera sits under a tree and reads her Kindle while the two have pirate adventures in the same stylized fashion as the sabretooth encounter from the previous issue.
129: Boy: “Land ho! There they be plunder!” he says, looking through a spyglass.
130: Bastain: “Jolly Roger that, Cap'n. I'll man the rowboat for shore.”
131: On the island, they follow a dotted line across the sand to a giant X. The two dig up a treasure chest full of doubloons and jewels. Then they row it back to the pirate ship, which sports a stylized skull and crossbones flag wearing nerd glasses.
132: Sera looks up. “Time to go, Bastain.”
133: Bastain: “Landlubber...” To the boy, he says, “So, you think you'll be okay?”
134: Boy: “Are you kidding? Hemo Heroes aren't scared of anything. Neither is Captain Blood.”
135: Bastain: “Any time you need help, we'll be here.”
136: Boy: “My name's Ethan, by the way.”
137: Bastain, “Ethan, you da real MVP.”
138: Boy: “Lol. I have no idea what you're saying.”
139: Sera: “Bye! See you later!”
140: Bastain: “That was fun. I feel good about this.”
141: Sera: “Me, too, Bastain. Me, too.”
142: Bastain: “Now get to pulling, scurvy wench...”
143: Sera: “Watch it, HH. And you've got dishes to do...”