Lo-Bay

Oh shit! Hot off the presses! There have been some developments regarding the Lobo movie that Warner Bros. and DC entertainment have been planning. And this raises some rather curious points on my part. First, holy hell, the DCEU is still pushing itself? After the turd fest that was Justice League, I thought the studio was going to ease up on their plans and stick to more tried and true properties like Batman, Wonder Woman, and of course, Batman. Secondly, why in seven hells are we even talking about a Lobo movie when there are other, more deserving properties or storylines already on DCEU’s slowly spoling plate, like Joss Whedon’s Batgirl or the planned Flashpoint movie that will pretty much serve as a reboot button for their awful franchise.
In any case, it is what it is, and we’re living in a world where a Lobo movie is in development. And speaking of developments, the one I mentioned earlier: none other than fireworks fetishist and behind the scenes creep, Michael Bay, is in the running to direct the Lobo movie. There you go. I’ll give you time for the regularly scheduled groans of displeasure when you hear the name “Michael Bay”.


All better now? Let’s move on.
Now, I think this is perfect. Michael Bay directing a Lobo movie is indeed perfect. Scoff and groan all you want, but I think this is a match made in heaven. Okay, you got me there. It’s a match made in hell. But hey, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure and all that.
Before you think that I’m a crazy person (in other words, a professional film critic) because of how I think Michael Bay is perfect to helm the Lobo movie, hear me out first. Lobo is a character that encapsulates each and every shitty thing about mainstream comics. It’s this alien that beats the shit out of other comic book properties, all the while wearing a biker vest and spewing lines that only assholes with neckbeards think are truly cool. Yes, Lobo is the comic book equivalent of Michael Bay in as much as Michael Bay is the directorial equivalent of Lobo. See? Match made in heaven. Checkmate.


Yes, we are living in a time where both Michael Bay and Lobo could make the perfect explosive abomination in theaters and right into our eyeholes and that union impeccably sums up our world. You all deserve to get this movie. Hell, we all do. And perhaps after this, the sun could finally explode and end the miserable species that is humanity. Maybe the next phase of Earth will have beings less inclined to let Michael Bay and Lobo hook up. Hell, why stop there? Maybe the next prominent species on Earth won’t even have a Michael Bay or a Lobo. A man can dream.
In any case, I’ll keep you guys posted on how all this turns out. The Lobo movie, I mean, not the extinction. And, yes, you nerds better thank me for this.