I grew up in a household where we were told to be quiet most of the time. My father worked a lot of night shifts, which meant he slept a lot during the day. Back then, my father was not the type of person you wanted to get angry, so me and my sister did as we were told, out of fear of being punished.
)As a result I grew up with a speech impediment,there were certain letters I could not pronounce and because of that I ended up getting bullied in school. Children can be so cruel, especially when they have been indoctrinated in school and are taught to all behave a certain way, so if some one does not fit in, they are excluded.
So I grew up super shy and withdrawn, afraid to speak out, to be heard. I was always so quietly spoken, where others often had to ask me to speak up, which always made me feel super uncomfortable. When you are told to be quiet and you relate that quietness to being safe, it is easier to just fade into the background. Because for me being silent was my security, in my mind it keep me safe from harm.
But I had a couple of outlets, one was singing, something I did when I was alone in nature, where I felt free to express myself and even raise my voice! The other was poetry, which I began writing in my early teens, having this form of expression really helped me to deal with everything in my life. Allowing me to communicate with myself, even when I found it really difficult to communicate with others.
My upbringing, really affected my ability to communicate my needs. Asking for help, is still something I struggle with. When I went to the speech therapist, they only focused on fixing me, not on the reason why I had the speech impediment in the first place. This is a perfect example of how most health systems work, it is all about the symptoms and not the actual cause.
So what does this really communicate to us, from the health system about our worth?
So many of us grew up in a society where we are taught to listen and obey. When we attend school, we are certainly not taught to think for ourselves, to share our own views. More often than not, we are told to follow the beliefs of others and to put our inquisitive minds to the side.
This tends to disconnect us from our intuitive side. From the ability to really connect with ourselves and follow our instincts. I feel lucky that I held on to this, maybe because I distanced myself from others, or because I spend so much time alone in nature, leaving me with my own thoughts and the ability to hold onto my inner voice! certainly was not afraid to talk to myself and it is something I still do.
And yet, I think about all the times in my life, where I struggled because I could not ask others for help, because I could not find that part of my voice. I also know that all of my experiences have made me stronger, but it also held me back, causing me to hold a part of myself back from others.
This self doubt, lack of self worth that I had, really affected my relationships. Instead of reaching out and being honest with my needs, I tended to back away and isolate myself. To me, this was the safest option. It did make me fiercely independent though, so like everything in life there is a positive and a negative.
Becoming a mother, really helped me find that voice,that voice that was not afraid to share her needs and ask for help. Because ultimately, I want my girls to see it as a natural part of life, that asking for support and receiving it is no big deal. I still struggle with it though, there is still this blockage that needs to be removed, the wall is not as high but it is still there.
Where once I would get really anxious even thinking about asking for help, now I feel somewhat uncomfortable and guilty, but with some internal dialogue and prep talk, I usually reach out! At the end of the day, I want to be a good example for my girls.
For the last few weeks I have been attending a weekly Non Violent Communication Course and this has been a huge eye opener for me. I remember a while back, pre Hive days when we were on Steemit, @eco-alex offered an online course on NVC and I was super excited, but I didn't get to complete it. This time round though, I did.
The first thing we focused on was the art of Listening, empathic Listening to be more exact. To be fully present and silent as we listened to others, to really focus on what they are saying and give them all the time they need to express themselves and their needs.
We started each new day practicing this, breaking off in to pairs, with each person having 5 minutes to talk about whatever was on their mind, whilst the other person listened. After that, we had to opportunity to show that person how well we were listening, by reflecting back to them the needs, that we were able to identify.
We all share the same universal needs and when we reach out to someone, we do so with the desire to have our needs or need met. Being able to communicate those needs and being able to hear those needs in others, is vital if we wish to create a better world. A world where we show a deeper understanding and connection and where we can resolve conflicts that arise within our community.
The course I done, involved a lot of games, which made it more playful and easy to understand, more humane in a way. It reminded me, how important play is in learning, in communication in general and how our children learn successfully how to communicate with the world through play. Something that we need to engage in more often.
I am still learning to implement it in my daily life, but I have seen the benefits, when I have implemented it. It really is about unschooling yourself in the way that you listen and talk to others. Giving others the opportunity to really express themselves and to experience what it is like to be heard, creates a lot of trust and unity.
I have already been involved in one restorative circle, which I found hugely beneficial and which is something I find invaluable, as we focus on creating a better world. During the course, I also got to see how deeply ingrained my difficulty in focusing on my own needs is, but this is just another step in helping me resolve it.
I finish with a poem I wrote,about words and the power they hold!
words hold the power to transform!
breathe,
anchoring myself to the ground,
trickles of energy
calling on me to to explore,
to take this time
to journey deep and restore.
delving deep
into the depths
of my core.
unearthing
my potential
allowing myself to soar.
words,
like water flow,
seeping into the crevices
that over time have grown,
unleashing tears
that anoint the ground on which we walk,
A cleansing,
creating
sacred circles
that carry us up into the air,
floating among the particles
that encompass who we are.
Timeless ,
gracing our presence
with words that hold the power to transform
Spells
that create and unit,e
magic released.
this music that is held within the trees
seeking,
calling,
we only need to believe.
to let go and allow our dreams to take seed.