Its day four and here I am still to account for what transpired with 3rd day.
This covid humbles us all.As it affects everyone across the globe irregardless of their citizenship,social status ,educational attainment, race,religion,sexual preferences and health conditions.
So brutal is its impact that I entertain some fears that if j do survive this I might be disabled as most as contrary to common belief this virus does not only affect the respiratory system.
As I lay in bed I can't help do a life audit just in case I do not wake up the next morning.As a nurse I am trained to look out for signs and symptoms and to prepare the patient for death.Yet here I am struggling to catch sleep as I play in my head the things I would have to live without when I am six feet under.
Greek philosopher Socrates once said ,"an unexamined life is not worth living".Profound right this ancient wisdom that I took courage to make a life inventory.
If I do die tomorrow ,will my passing give a sigh of relief that I am gone for good or will it make a tear fall on someone's cheek or will it make another person smile and love life more?How do you really account for a life and not just a number or a mortality rate in this health crises?
I wonder what my epitaph will say about me.Did I make a good use of this life I was given?
By many societal definition I am a failure.Why?Here's why.
- At 42 I am still single and without a child .
- I do not have thousands or millions in my bank
account. - I do not own a business
- I am not famous or powerful or influential.
- Since I am a tourist here in Canada I have been jobless for 2 years now.
- No real state property to my name either.
As I pen these I keep to mind if I have influenced people by my being.I sincerely hope that if I did it made them into better person and not the opposite.
In this life I must say I am who I am because of how I processed the many experiences I have went through. In my earlier days it was easy to play the victim but towards the later days of my life I have to accept many faulty decisions that are my own doing.
I do not want to dwell no more on things that I could have done differently as its useless and downright depressing.So while I shed some tears for dreams that will never be I also say a prayer that I hope in time I will completely forgive myself for those lapses in judgement.
Besides by the very fact that the future is unknown I should stop beating myself with pessimism when the possibility of good things happening my way is also the same probability.
Yes I love children and there is nothing more I want in this world than to be a mom.True I love to be in love and be love back by someone .Obviously majority wants to have a life of plenty but also many thousand others are happy simply because they do not have these desires embedded in their hearts.
I wish I had their mindsets.Because had I really been more spiritual many of my worries would have not made cobwebs in my head.So much of my energy was spent forcing things to happen than letting things be.
I must say I had danced with so many fears that I have only myself to blame when most of them become self fulfilling. I wish I had early on dissected these fears than run away hoping they'll just fade away.
At 42, I learned self love was as essential as loving others.So it was necessary to filter every responce critically.Truth may bite but lies are very deadly.Thus,if one truly love oneself she must have that ability to be objective even when it hurts .
As you age , you become more selective of how you use your time.With this , I wish I had more time to explore this beautiful world and delight in many first experiences.As much as I am proud of my educational attainment I wish I had the courage to try something new and to walk away from things or people that does not make me a better person. I wish I had taken extra care of my health and walked more in faith than my limited understanding.
I wish I had more compassion than the need to be right.As much as money is a necessity this world would be alot better if we just try at least to see event from another person's perspective.
Too many a times ,I had failed to highlight the goodness there is when I am wallowing in my pain.Hence I have to educate myself to be aware of such flaw hence this blog.Only by loving oneself in its totality can one say shes happy with the self audit.