A list is looping in the heads of women, mothers and active, and is constantly renewed, it is the famous and exhausting "mental burden". Why are we still there?

Registering children for volleyball, making an appointment with the dentist, thinking about buying oranges ... A list is looping in the heads of women, mothers and active, and is constantly renewed, it is the famous and exhausting "Mental burden". Why are we always there, men often beside us? "That's exactly what I'm seeing. Finally, my fatigue, my stress have a name: the mental burden. They are very numerous, on social networks, to push this cry of the heart.

They are recognized in Emma's comic strip, an engineer and draftswoman who reveals the reality of most homes: not only do working mothers always take care of most domestic tasks, but they also have to think about everything, all the time, for the smooth running of the house and the well-being of the family. " The title of this viral plate, "Should Ask," has provoked endless bitter-sweet debates. Because it is the typical, guilty response of these men who react as mere executants, awaiting instructions from the chief in charge of the house.

Mental load: "Like my computer, I never turn off, I'm still on standby"

In the first line, those who have extended transport, variable schedules, and / or companions often absent. Thus Colombe, 37, hospital nurse, two children of 11 and 7 years. "The heaviest in my daily life? Take care of the children when my husband, journalist, is in report.

A real puzzle that I manage alone, because I leave to work at 5:45 in the morning. The only solution is for the children to sleep each night in a buddy's house so that they can be accompanied to school the next day. I leave you to imagine the organization behind all this ... "Even if some men denounce clichés according to them unjust and old-fashioned (in mind, the divorced in alternate guard), the figures are illuminating. Women spend twice as much time cleaning and caring for children (2). This, in turn, slows down their career progression.

As a result, according to a recent study (3), nearly one in two couples considers that their spouse is not involved enough in the organization of household chores. 57% of the women interviewed are still waiting for support from him. Because they are the ones who mostly buy supplies for the re-entry, register children in extracurricular activities, supervise homework and spend hours compiling files to get the right college. Stewards, project managers, managers of the logistics of the house, ambassadors of the family, they are also inviting parents and buddies to dinner, organize kitties ...

Leave, I'll go faster and it will be better done,

They still, while working, take charge of their aging parents, dependents, paperwork included. A race without end, a performance as secret as collective. "Like my computer, from sunrise to sunset, I never go out, I'm always on standby," smiled Delphine Le Clair, 42, three children of 14, 12 and 8 years old. While developing her business (selling monthly hygiene kits to girls who have menstruation), she sends "notifications" to the whole family. "Multitasking, I constantly have several windows open at the same time in mind. While my husband, who is not a macho, I would emphasize, would be unable, like me, to talk about working on the phone while laying out a laundry. It is however simple, with the laptop in the pocket and headphones in the ear. "

Why are women (with or without a babysitter and a cleaning lady) still solely in charge of family life? "Thirty years ago, sociologists had observed that before the arrival of the first child there is a relative balance in the distribution of domestic tasks, but that it breaks after birth," commented Sandra Frey, a political scientist and an expert in gender studies. It is during her maternity leave that the young mother, alone with her baby, takes the habit of taking charge of the organization of the house, while the father is at work. But the conditioning of the women, who consider themselves more legitimate than the men to manage the family and the house, also plays. It is the famous: "Let go, I will go faster and it will be better done" which disqualifies men and does not make them want to follow imposed ways. "

Mental burden: "We relieve our work stress on the spouse"

To complete his list of tasks, each has its tricks. "I did a program within 15 minutes for all the children. They know what they have to do from morning to night. For refueling, I have a second "supermarket" in my garage, and enough to hold a month and a half. I send text messages to myself: make an appointment with the pediatrician, change the train ticket, ask for medical certificates for the pool, and so on.

Ding ding! It sounds all day. "This is a small preview of the daily life of 43-year-old Delphine Leblanc, four children at home, who is also launching her communications company. While investing in the start-up delivery of gourmet dishes at her husband's home. "Every day, I tell myself that I no longer belong," continues Delphine. I tried to do yoga at the beginning of the year, I went there once ... "For the first time, leached, she took" the leak ". "I left five days alone on the Cote d'Azur. I bought some ready-made dishes, I walked, read, went shopping. I only thought of myself. It made me crazy. I'll do it every year. "

The mental load was not always the one we believe

But if the mental load was not always the one we believe? For the philosopher Julia de Funès (4), who intervenes in companies, "domestic tasks are sometimes used, especially by employees, as an alibi, because it is easier to tell her husband: 'has not thought of extending the linen' than to answer his boss: "This business plan for tomorrow (or this change of schedule, etc.), it will not be possible. feel that one is relieving one's work stress on the spouse, even though he often comes from work. And not necessarily because of the amount of tasks to be performed, but because we do not have enough time to realize them.

Or because we are often plunged into the absurd at work: silly job, leaders who demand the impossible, endless procedures ... Who, even the most feminist, never put away his house with a certain feeling of relaxation ? Anyway, since they discovered the concept of mental load, men open their eyes. "Many have said to me:" Plead guilty, "says Emma. Before my comics, they were not aware of all that their companions wear. "In the wake of the incident, a young man working in the computer industry, Naro Sinarpad (a pseudonym), has launched a petition for paternity leave from eleven days to four weeks (recall: 14 weeks in Norway). So that the fathers immediately share the burden of the home.

image source
We asked two couples to compare each of their daily tasks.

Mental burden: "one is a rather egalitarian couple"

Ages: 31 years and 32 years Professions: nurse in intensive care and nurse in the psychiatric infirmary of the prefecture of police

Matilda

Our lists show that we are a rather egalitarian couple. Maybe because we do the same job. We share the paperwork, but the Security is me. Our biggest common puzzle: childcare, due to staggered schedules. My parents, who live nearby and were happy to provide babysitting, will move. It's a concern.

I am more attentive to the details than Bertrand, for everything you have to carry, plan, for a trip with children for example, but also because I am more rigorous and anxious. Bertrand goes to the point. It is he who says: "Leave, I will do it, it will go faster. "Except he's the kind of hiding all the bazaar in the drawers. I do not call it stow. (She laughs.) This year, great change, Hermine enters CP. It is a little anxiety, for the mistress is already "very homework".

Bertrand

We have opposite "bearings", so I am alone with Hermine and Louison at weekends and at night when Mathilde works, and vice versa. Until last year, to be more often at home, I had a part-time to 80%, which had been refused to Mathilde.

Mental load: "it manages the daily rather, and me the" big projects "

Ages: 33 years and 34 years Professions: founder of L'Atelier des Mums (an accompanying program for pregnant women and young mothers) and banker. Child: Thelio, 2 1/2 years old.

tiphanie

We did not argue by discovering our respective to-do lists. I found Alexander's rather short. He is unaware of his own role because he quickly does the job and quickly moves on to something else. He vacuumed, if necessary, without my having to ask him. It's hard not to think about stewardship all the time when, like me as an entrepreneur, I work at home, (I'm going to pick up our son at the nanny at 6:30 pm.

In an office, we do not launch a machine at the break, we do not pick up a sock that drags. (She laughs.) At the same time, what is done at home on weekdays, it's always time to win for the weekend.

Alexander

I was not surprised to find that Tiphanie does much more than I do, even though she assures me that the tasks are rather well shared. I was educated to take my part by a stay-at-home mother and father-in-law who re-balanced the tasks on weekends, even though everyone had his or her favorite areas, such as garden maintenance for my father.

Tiphanie manages daily life, and I "big projects" like holidays (comparison of rates, reservations), which also take time, but do not weigh me: I like to take care of it. For me, the important thing is that everyone is aware of what the mental burden of the other represents. I remember a shocking detail: when we had our son, some friends had told Tiphanie that she had nothing to do, since she was at home on maternity leave. Even at maternity, she worked to develop her site.

As for me, when I was taking care of our baby, I thought that, in the end, I was as well at the office given the size of the task. It is especially at the level of preparation and preparation of the meals that I feel the least able to share.

1. emmaclit.com. 2 Source INSEE "Time Use Survey 2009-2010". 3. OpinionWay / La Boulangère study, May 2017. 4. Author of Socrates in the country of process (edited by Flammarion).