What if’s

What if’s...

These are the thoughts that always haunt you.
Thoughts that always left you hanging in the middle, lost in a moment, and frustrate you every single time you will able to remember.

These are the situations that you will always hope you should’ve overcome before.
Situations which you will always thought if only you have the courage to face it, to fight for it and to deal with it.

Every one of us has their fair share of what if’s. It’s inevitable I should say. Why? Simply because even if you’re the most courageous person that has ever lived in this planet, there will always be a time that you will lose all your confidence and will suddenly think twice if it’s worth a try or probably not. Am I right?

Well as for me, few of these “what if’s” circle around the two men I admired before and the man I admire now. I’m not saying these just to sound pathetic but because I just wanted to express my thoughts and feelings that overwhelmed me the past years until now.

For the first man: What if I have expressed my feelings for him, will there be a chance that we will become a tandem? What if I haven’t thought of the negatives back then, will there be a possibility that we have gotten along well? What if I have given ourselves a chance when he asked me if we can be dating each other, will we be able to keep our supposed-to-be relationship until the end? What if I was just brave enough back then to face what others will say, will we be happy and contented with what we have? What if I wasn’t afraid to get hurt and take the risk, will we able to get by? And the list goes on. There were a lot of times I had been given the chances. But all of these chances, I had let them slipped off my hands. And now, just recently, I have come to know on my newsfeed that he got married. Well, all I can say, I’m happy for him. I missed our chance but at least I’ve seen him happy and contented. And that’s all that matters.

For the second man: What if I haven’t become a coward and have gathered all the courage instead to let you know that you were special to me, will you be treating me as your special someone too? What if I was brave enough to cross the gap between friends and lovers before, will he be fine with it and do his part of the bargain as well? What if we didn’t lose contact, will our closeness back then might have prosper into something romantic? What if I didn’t try to deny the admiration I felt for him, will it be requited? And the list goes on. Right now, I don’t have any plans of reviving the feelings I once have for him. Out of the two, I have considered him the biggest heartache I had. Maybe because he passed as my ideal man. But that’s just it. Only my ideal man and will always be just my ideal man. His status? He’s currently happily living with his lived in partner, his business partner and his love partner, all in one persona. I can say, they are match made in heaven in all aspects. They jive along well and I am happy for them. Not long enough he will also settle down, I know. Though, the feeling is still there, but it’s no longer as strong as it was before. I have learned to moved on. It’s been years that I last saw him. So I think I am now okay.

For the man I admire now: What if I will be initiating the first move, will you follow my lead? What if I let myself fall for you, will you catch me? What if we will be given another chance to meet again and not just talk over the phone, exchanging FB messages, checking out on each other’s personal life one way or another, will we able to develop that special bond? What if we are not from different sides of the world, will the closeness we have now develop into something deeper? Though it’s still early for me to entertain these thoughts, I couldn’t help myself since it might not long enough that I’ll fall for you deep. You have told me to get out of my comfort zone and be free. You have told me not to be too hard on myself and that relationship isn’t about the looks but it’s about the connection you will be building and have built with the other. You have taught me how to start things up for me to overcome shyness and encourage me to face my fears in order for me to live freely since as what you have said, “Because it’s my life, I have to be in control with it.” You have just given me the idea but it’s all up to me to take actions. But...will I able to take it lightly if in case you will reject me? I am so frightened to ever try. But what if...what if we share the same feelings and attraction? Will we able to work it out?

In order to answer the “What if’s” that we have, one must take the risk. One must be brave. For me, I don’t know yet. It’s hard to decide but one thing is for sure, I might take the risk one day.