What would your superpower be?|10 April 2016

I think I would want to know peoples’ thoughts. But it would probably be awful. But it is already awful; being betrayed and lied to and used and manipulated. At least I wouldn’t have to keep going through the same shit of seeing warning signs, and totally ignoring my instincts ‘just in case’. I would know early on and be able to act accordingly. Would I though? An instinct or a fact, would I do the sensible thing? The thing that would protect me and prevent me from being hurt? When do I do that? I don’t ever do that. I always hurt myself. I see the logical route and I consciously ignore it. That’s what I do. And I don’t know what would happen if I stopped doing that. Things might get better, easier. I might respect myself more. I might like myself more. But if nothing changes, if nothing gets better, if things get worse? What the fuck do I do then? I’d have no more options. I am toying with the idea of death everyday. Every fucking day, making myself feel even worse because I can’t even bring myself to die. It is so shameful. Looking at myself. I have failed in so many ways and it hurts me so much because I feel that pain so strongly. I feel it like a physical affliction. I am constantly carrying around all this horrible shit and it is fucking up everything and anything that could possibly lead to something good. I have become my own poison. I am the toxic relationship in my life. I taint everything that could be lovely and nice. I damage and break it all. And I just look around and feel my skin and it is just sheer disappointment. I can’t really even bring myself to try because I already know or have already decided the outcome. Nothing is going to work. I feel like I have already been sentenced to death. I think I know the outcome, so I just wonder: what is the point?

Feeling desperately sad and in deep, emotional pain. Strong suicidal feelings. Urge to self harm.

VM

Original post: https://violetmoon.live/2016/04/