Murky Waters

‘WTH am I doing?’ I asked myself as I created a dating profile on 3 different dating apps – OkCupid, Hinge, and Coffee Meets Bagel.

It has been exactly ONE week and after some hilariously strange encounters, my friend suggested I document my thoughts about the journey as I trudge ahead. As a disclaimer, I’m well aware that none of the stories below are unique or truly exceptional in our current society, but to me, they are truly firsts in my somewhat sheltered existence.

As a 29 year old single, gainfully employed, professional, I feel I’m at a stage of my life and career where I’d love to meet someone who I could potentially settle down with and raise a family. However, after 6+ years of residence, SoCal has proven to be a true desert, devoid of any compatible men for me.

I could believe the statistics that being a young, successful, black, Christian, professional woman meant spinsterhood, but it’s a new year and I choose hope and faith. So, after much prayer, bible study, and conversations with people whom I trust, I decided online dating would be worth a try. After all, I am going to my cousin’s wedding in two weeks and she met her Christian fiancée where? On Tinder!

So off I went! I uploaded the most flattering (and fully clothed) pictures of myself, shared my most loved hobbies, and briefly listed the attributes of the sort of man I would be interested in:
• Aged 26-35
• Follower of Jesus
• Smart and Kind
• Into yoga or fitness
• Absolutely no smoking or drugs
• Open to actually going on dates and potentially wanted a long-term relationship (NOT hookups)
• Preferably at least 5’10’’
• Witty and humorous
• Able to understand and dish out sarcasm
• Wants children – WITH ME
• Plant-based, or at least interested in a plant-based lifestyle
• Bonus points if He came with a beautiful beard.

I then logged off, and went about my day.

Let’s dedicate this article to my experience with the most entertaining so far – OkCupid.

Within ONE day of opening an account on OkCupid, I got 99+ likes from men! Needless to say I was overwhelmed. I like to plan my day wisely, so I resolved to spend no more than one hour daily on the dating sites. With that in mind, I decided I would only look at the profiles of men who took the time to send me a message.

First, the Pros of OKCupid: there is a plethora of diverse, seemingly eligible men who are willing to make the first move and attempt to ask you questions based on your profile comments. I even connected with someone who works in the same institution as I do. However, I remain on this site for the simple reason that it is so entertaining to see some of the clearly incompatible people with whom I’m matched. Obviously pictures will not be shared on here to protect the privacy of these good men who are NOT bad people, simply bad matches for me.

One of the most memorable was the man who I couldn’t even look past his pictures because his appearance was that of a whimsical creature. His hair stood on end in EVERY SINGLE PICTURE, as if purposefully intended to mimic the mane of an electrified lion. Now, I’m a proponent of staying true to one’s personal style, but as previously stated, this man was not a bad man, just not the sort of man I could see myself sitting across the table with without a fully agape mouth and wonderful stare at the unfortunate situation that was his current coif.

Next was the man who wrote “I never really thought about marriage until I seen you, what venue should I book?”. His profile went on to display his proud accomplishments – smokes sometimes, and also sometimes does drugs. I commend this man on shooting his shot in 2019, and I one day hope to have the boldness of men who hit on women with whom they CLEARLY have absolutely NOTHING in common. The only drug I’m willing to smoke is Ibuprofen – if it promises to still my uterine cramps faster during my time of the month.

Lastly (for the sake of article length), was the dear brother (we’ll call him Jack) whose profile consists of pictures of him and his girlfriend (we’ll call her Kate). I was confused at first, until I read his “loaded question”. Jack’s entire reason for joining this dating site was to find a ‘third’ for his birthday celebration – a onetime thing. Jack and Kate then changed their minds and decided they want a girlfriend – “someone to enjoy inside and outside of the bedroom”. Jack and Kate wanted to know if I am into women or at least open to the idea and if not, would I be open to Kate WATCHING ME AND JACK GET IT ON.

My, Oh my!!

Listen folks, live your life according to the principles and morals that your upbringing and belief system dictates. All I ask (especially for Jack and Kate) is that when you shoot your shot on a dating website, aim it in the general direction of someone whose profile minimally suggests a similar lifestyle or value system. I am not now, nor will I EVER be open to a ménage a trois, for the simple reason that my love for Jesus Christ dictates my daily life choices and governs my sexual behavior. Sex with someone who isn’t my husband is not part of God’s plan for me. You can call me an old-fashioned prude, which is just fine. It’s my vagina, and my choice!

Thank You,