Breathe #DearDiary

*Dear Black Queen,

The year is being wrapped up by the second and the 'what have you done with your life' in the last 365 days are leaving the shadows of your semi-amnesiac mind. You dig for the archived events and weigh against your expectations and your heart sinks. The question that you have been avoiding to ask yourself for a week or two gives your inner critic a voice... 'What have you really achieved this year?'

The weight of bad fortunes crack the scale and your inner man staggers in his own shell. Tears' jet to your eyes and sting like trapped bees looking for a way out. If the amount of strength required to hold them back is missing, you shed them asking yourself how you survived all that horror. If you didn't work hard enough to achieve certain goals, you might as well stay in this 'safe space'.

But then your curious mind takes you back in time and it's January 2018 again. 2017 had just passed by and the guilt to have not done much weigh on you heavily. You must achieve something this year, you firmly remind yourself the first few weeks of the 'new year'. January is soon over and Valentines comes knocking soon after and nothing. You haven't even found the 'time' to even 'think' about any goals leave alone to start working on them.

March is swept away by long rains and without you realizing April is too. When May gets here, you ready yourself for winter in June and July. August brings the sub-Saharan sun back and September slows it down with lengthy drizzles. The wet atmosphere ushers October in and your heart knows the 'what have you done for yourself this year' is being birthed somewhere in your mind.

Pixabay

You take a gulp of the weekend air in and think on it. You are breathing, you think to yourself. Alive, you remind yourself. You survived a few serious health blows this year. In April, you passed your death on a hospital bed. Then a month later, you walked out of a burning house... An early grave. But it wasn't your time yet.

You are handed back a chance to live and execute some daily routines. Read a book. Stay in school. Raise your little man. Go see your older children. Overcome whatever obstacle life throws at you. Try to write a little bit more. Life becomes 'normal' again soon enough.

On your birthday, you get news that two shreds of your soul are finding their way back to your life. You couldn't contain your emotions. The still unexplainable joy. The unexpected fear of the unknown. The overwhelming will to do everything to keep them around for good. The challenges that come with adjusting. But you have held on.

So... You may have 'not' done anything outstanding in 2018 but you survived and that means hope that you have a chance to do whatever you put your mind into. Don't ask yourself what you did this year because you lived to witness your dream becoming a reality.

Breathe!

Mine...

Also posted on my Whaleshares

Thank you for coming.