How do you explain death to children?
I don’t believe in any guiding myths or stories of faith, so when it comes to explaining death to my children, I don’t feel like I have much to lead me through the process.
What happens after we die? I don’t know. And when it comes to death, I’m not sure what I actually believe. I am drawn to the idea that we are conductors of energy, and that energy moves from one form to another. In that sense, it seems plausible to me that death would simply be the movement of energy from one form to another. But is consciousness energy? Or is it something else, something that is merely animated by energy while contained in our bodies? And are we, essentially, just a consciousness that is animated in our bodies? How does it all work? I really don’t know. And to be honest, it it’s not something that I spend much time thinking about.
So when it comes to explaining the death and the origins of life to my children, I really don’t know how to go about it.
When my son was three years old, we had a small conversation that has become foundational for the way that I talk about death with both of my children. At the time, we were in the car on the way to his nursery school. I was telling him a story about his mother and I. It was a story about something that happened before he was born. He was listening carefully to me, and then he asked, What about me? Where was I?
Without much thought, I told him, You weren’t born yet, Buddy. But my answer didn’t quite register with him. So, me, thinking that my son must have been some form of energy or consciousness floating around in space somewhere (not necessarily outer space), I told him, while pointing out the window toward the sky, You were somewhere out there. Somewhere in space.
Without hesitation, my son immediately answered, In my rocket ship?
Maybe I should have thought about how I answered this question a little more carefully, but at the time, thinking what he said was cute and that any answer was harmless, I answered, Yep. In your rocket ship.
Since then, rocket ships have become an important part of the way my son imagines the time before he was born and the way he thinks about the time of death.
Earlier this year, my mother-in-law’s cat passed away. It had been in the family for sixteen years and was a cat that everyone was close to. On the night it passed away, we got a phone call. Miu was dying. So we all got in the car and went to my mother-in-law’s house to say our goodbyes.
It was my son’s first real experience with death. It made him uncomfortable, and he wanted to understand what was happening. We were telling him things like Miu is going to go away. We’re not going to see her anymore. You should say goodbye to her. You should thank her for playing with you and being such a good friend.
My son could sense the heavy emotions that everyone was feeling and seemed on the verge of crying. He said that he wanted to leave. Then he said that he wanted to stay. Then, suddenly, he asked about the rocket:
Is a rocket going to take Miu away?
It was that conversation again. Yes, I answered.
When? my son asked. Where is it? I want to see it.
It’s invisible, Buddy.
Invisible? What’s invisible?
It means you can’t see it. It’s an invisible rocket. Nobody can see it. But it will come when Miu dies, and it will take her away.
Our conversation continued in this vain for a while. With the persistence of a four-year old, my son kept insisting that he wanted to see the rocket. And with each insistence, my explanations became more detailed and more specific. Before I knew it, I was talking about the moment of death, about invisible rockets that travel so fast nobody can see them, about a soul-like thing that boards these rockets and is immediately taken out into space.
Of course, none of this really made any sense to my son. Eventually, though, we reached a point where he seemed fairly satisfied and agreed to say goodbye to Miu and go home without seeing her pass away, and without seeing the invisible rocket that I told him was coming for her.
That night, shortly after we left, Miu passed away. The following day, we took her body to a pet crematorium where we had a small ceremony for her and said our final goodbyes.
Upon seeing her body, my son became confused. In his mind, the presence of her body meant the presence of her. The fact that her body remained was testament to the fact that she hadn’t boarded a rocket and returned to wherever it is she had come from.
Again, using the story of the rocket ship, I explained to him that she was gone. That she had left, that the only thing remaining was her body, which would also soon be gone.
Seeing her lifeless body seemed to make my son sad, and possibly even a little scared. Saying his final goodbyes also seemed to make him uncomfortable. In the days that followed, he started saying he wanted to see Miu again. So I told him that Miu was gone, that the invisible rocket had come and taken her back out into space. I told him that when these rockets take people and animals out into space, those people and animals become free to live in the heads and hearts of the people that love them. Then I told him that Miu would always be in his head and heart.
Over the past year, we have had a few losses. I lost a distant but long-time friend to cancer in January and, in February, an uncle whom I was very close to. In May, we lost Miu, and over the summer we lost a couple other pets. Most recently, the preying mantis that my son spent all summer taking care of passed away.
When we buried it behind our house and marked its little grave with two stones and a flower, my son asked me, Is the preying mantis in my heart now?
Yes, I told him.
Then he asked if the preying mantis was inside his sister’s head and heart too, and whether or not it was inside of my head and heart as well.
Again I answered, Yes.
Then he asked if Miu was in my head and heart also, and he asked if my uncle and my friend were there too.
Once again, I told him that they were, that they were all in my head and heart, and that he and his sister also held the pets they had lost in their heads and hearts. I told him his pets would always be there waiting to talk to him should he choose to talk with them, and that he could always see them again by closing his eyes and thinking of them should he want to see them.
I don’t know if I’m doing my children a service or a disservice by talking to them about death in this way, but I do know that I don’t want them to fear death. What I want is for them to recognize death as something that is natural. What I want is for them to understand the importance of life and the importance of the time that is spent with the people and things that are all around them. Not only that, I want them to believe that the people and things they have lost live on within them. It is my hope that they will take comfort in this thought and that it will someday help them deal with the various moments of grief that await them.
As I said earlier, it is difficult to explain such things as death to your children when you don’t have any myths or stories of faith to guide you through the process. By chance, I stumbled upon the imagery of a rocket ship to carry the animated part of our bodies away into space. This imagery seems to work with the vague beliefs I have that we come from somewhere and depart to somewhere, even if that somewhere is nothing but nothingness. I’ve connected this story to the experiences I’ve had in life and the beliefs that I have found comfort in, namely that the departed live on within us, through our thoughts and memories of them.
@boxcarblue, your post is a profound one. It caught my eye, because as a Christian, it is also not easy to explain death to a child. I agree with so many of your notions, except of course that I believe that I will one day be resurrected in a glorified form before my Father. However, I have huge respect for the way that you keep on explaining to your child. In fact, your post is so profound for me, that I will print it for myself, reread it, and maybe make a separate post, also referring to yours, of course.
My first experience of having to try to explain was when a random pigeon was found dead on the roof. I used the idea of the soul moving to another place, an afterlife, if you will, and that is the reason that there is a lifeless body on the roof. Dead. My son immediately summarized it as follows: So, it is the eyes' "look and see", the ears' "hear and listen", and the body's "do" that is gone to another plane, even though the eyes and ears and body are still there.
As the pigeon was inaccessible on the roof, we all watched it slowly disintegrating until there was nothing left.
Sadly, my children grew up and became non-believers for now. Now my comment is almost becoming a post in itself. You did ask some uncomfortable questions, even for me as a Christian. I wish we could have the opportunity to discuss this whole issue around a fire and a glass of wine. (South Africans, you see, do deep discussions around a fire...!)
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That sounds like a great way to have a discussion. I don’t know how much I could discuss my belief in the afterlife, though, or what happens at death. Like I said, I don’t really know what I believe, and I only happened on this rocket ship analogy by chance, because of my son’s suggestion
One thing that really struck me in your comment is the way your son was able to rephrase your explanation. It’s really interesting the way children process and make sense of information. I’ve always loved my own son’s rocket response. It was so quick and natural, like, Oh. Of course. That’s when I was flying in my rocket ship. I got it.
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I remember when my great grandmother died. I was 4 years old and I didn't quite understand what happened, only thing I knew was that she ''left''. A couple of years later my grandfather became sick with cancer. I always thought that one day he would get well, like it was a cold or something. Eventually one day my cousin took me from school and when we went home I saw my mother crying. I asked her what's happening and then I instantly remembered my great grandmother. It was the moment I understood death, what it was. I asked her ''Is he gone?'' and she noded yes. I felt the real loss of death there. I understood the finallity of this thing in this plane.
As the years passed I really tried to understand death and the consequences. My belief is that we die, on a certain physical/biological context, but on another we transform. I don't know the nature of this transformation, whether it is energy that turns into some other form or something else but I believe in what we call the soul and it's eternal nature. Even if we are simply energy ( personally I believe in something even greater ), this is compatible with the law of conversation of energy, energy doesn't persih, it just transforms.
Awesome post, I really liked the rocket analogy!
Resteemed!
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Thanks for the resteem. I had a similar experience when I was four. I don’t know if that led to the sensations I had later, or when these sensations began, but I can remember really feeling paralyzed when thinking about death. It was sort of like being consumed by a vaccuum, an empty space. And I would have these vivid images of bones in dirt come to mind. I suppose they were hallucinations of some kind. I really don’t know, but they definitely bothered me and made me uncomfortable.
Anyway, I’m hoping to avoid that moment of shock with my children. Everyone probably realizes what death is in their own way and at different times, just like your final realization, so despite my efforts, my children might have a reaction like I did anyway. Who knows?
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Man. I'm a little jealous. I think you've stumbled on to a really good, effective, and ultimately healthy way to "explain" these things to a child. I am really happy that you happened upon the rocket ship.
When your son grows up, he may not believe in the "rocket ship" anymore, but who of us, even as adults, can really explain it better? The people we've loved and lost live on in our hearts, regardless of what we know (or more accurately, don't know) about all the rest.
This is a beautiful story, man, and I am so glad I read it.
Thanks.
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Thanks for the praise and feedback. I really didn’t expect so many people to respond to this the way they have.
The more people I lose, the more I honestly feel like they remain within me, even if only a little bit. With chikdren’s Emotions being so strong, I don’t know if that would comfort them much, but I can imagine them playing alone and suddenly talking to their deceased relatives, pets, etc in a cathartic way.
So far, I’ve found it very helpful to tell children beforehand that someone or something is going to die soon (when I have known) and that it’s time to say your goodbyes and thank yous. It really leads to a good talk about the value of life, which children, I think, can begin to understand.
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Very good topic about death. Children are very much excited to know everything about unknown things. You are so sweet papa who wants to teach his kids in a very beautiful way the very true lesson of life. No-one till now have the power to know everything about death, it is a secret truth, we people are merely a character, who had come to the world to play his role. You are fantastic in your job, you describe death in a very positive way, but my kids are very unfortunate, they were the real wittnes of their beloved father. Thanks for sharing such a valuable lesson of life. Have a good day friend.
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Well, of course, I never know how long I have on this Earth, and one of my biggest fears is dying when my children are young. Hopefully that won’t happen, but if it does, like it did for your children, I hope I can prepare my children for it at least a little. When my friend died last January, she left behind a three year old. I can’t imagine what that must be like for both mother and daughter.
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Wow, that was a deep post @boxcarblue . Since we don't know does it hurt to make something up like "The Rocketship"?
I'm with you on the energy thing, but it's very difficult to conceptualize, maybe string theory tied in with a holographic universe? We know photons are light and particles can travel faster than light due to quantum entanglement so who really knows. It's difficult to think that all of this is for nought though.
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Yeah, I definitely can’t say that I have any beliefs regarding death. I just don’t have any idea, but it seems like even if everything goes black, Part of us must continue on in some way or form.
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Did you ever see the movie the 13th Fl? Very interesting.
I agree, gotta be something.
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No. I’ve never seen that one. I’ll see if I can check it out over the holidays.
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Hello. I was with my grandmother when she passed. A sweet, very sweet Victorian lady who had a pure soul. And within a moment of her going, I saw something (her Soul?) rise up above me, an ethereal but very real image (of course, I saw fairies too when I was a child, so take it as you may!) My children have been around Death a little too much for their lifetimes, but they never asked. They're grown now, but I think I may show this to them, and see what they have to say. It seems you are in Japan, a place that fascinates me. Death in Japan seems to have a more varied and deeper, spiritual outlook than here in the States with all the little gods and the various stories the go along with them; also, a closer relationship with Nature, which, if I was there, would have me contemplating quite a bit. Oh yes...I just had a dream a few days ago where my grandmother called me on a phone and said (very clearly, and in a very strong, healthy voice), "Hello! We're here, two doors up at Jupiter!" Hmmmmm......Have a fun Holiday season! :))
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That’s an interesting dream and an interesting experience. I’ve heard a lot of people say similar things about the moment of death and have seen photographs that seem to support it. That would be an experience that would move me deeply.
Yes, I’ve been in Japan for eight years now, and I think I’ve definitely been influenced by various aspects of the way they worship the dead over here. I particularly like the idea that the dead return to their homes every August during Obon. Even the way they worship here, at temples and shrines often surrounded by areas of nature, where you tend to feel connected with the natural world and sometimes beyond suits me very well.
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This is a great post @boxcarblue and one that I have had with my two oldest girls. I told them that when a person or animal dies that their time here ends and that it is important for us to see goodbye but also to celebrate all the good things they have shared with us. We always spend time talking about then and what memories we have.
I then explain that their body goes back to the earth where it will help to feed everything that we see in nature, so in a way they are still around us everyday as they are part of everything.
I also explain that people can have very different opinions about death and what happens when we die and that that is their right. Their experience of death has been losing one great gran mother, some pets and unfortunately a friend of theirs. They seem content with the answer I have given them, and in the end that is what I believe. I didn't really find it a difficult question to answer.
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Thanks for your thoughtful reply. It seems like you feel pretty sure of your beliefs, which I imagine makes it easier to explain. I don’t really have a set conviction, at least I didn’t think that I did. After answering and responding to all of these great comments, though, I see that I do have some core beliefs that have led me through these discussions quite naturally. I like that you have opened the discussion you’ve had with your daughters to the various beliefs that other people might have. I haven’t gone that far, but that is very important too, helping children to respect others beliefs and also to not feel that their own beliefs are threatened by those of others.
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wow. what an intense story. It is tricky to explain to kids. I, unfortunately, dealt with the death of my own parents at a very early age. So there is a bit of fear and trepidation on my part to broach the subject. I try really hard to make sure I don't allow my 6 yo to attach any fear to what is a natural life cycle. We observe the life cycle in nature every day... so I try to make examples of it that way- what happens to make a flower, what happens to the flower at the end of its life cycle., etc. I also don't want to attach any religious beliefs to it, since most are fear based anyway & no one really knows what will happen in a spiritual sense after death. We haven't had to deal with anyone near to us passing away yet, so we will cross that bridge when we get there.
Right now I am just dealing with her hearing about violent deaths from her classmates who's parents are a bit permissive with what their children watch on the boob tube- which is unfortunate: https://steemit.com/life/@marydouglas/school-bus-spooky-stories-20171221t93534625z
I really enjoyed your post. something to think about.
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Thanks for your comment @marydouglas. Of course, I don’t know for sure, but I think that, as you seem to be doing, explaining that death is natural and a part of everyday life is important. My children haven’t dealt with the loss of any close relatives yet either, but I hope that when that time comes they will be as comfortable as anyone can be with the concept of death and loss and will be able to accept it without fear.
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This is an amazing writing! I seriously rarely see this kind of writing.
How do you explain death to children is a great question.
When my grandmother passed away, my uncle told his son " She's in heaven " I can't think of anything else to say to a child. it's really hard to explain to him/her.
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Thanks for the comment. Yeah, my son learned about heaven at nursery school. It’s something they believe in here in Japan as well. When my son asks about heaven, I talk about heaven, but I try to avoid bringing that imagery and that word up myself. It doesn’t seem to get to the core of things and leads to so many questions. And then there are the worries about He’ll that come with it.
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Tricking conversation there, thankfully I have never had to go through explaining that to anyone.
I do remember when my dad died, my niece was about 5 or 6, she suddenly asked who is going to wash grandpa's clothes now? Because she always saw my mum hand washing his shirts yet we had told her that grandpa had gone to another place now. Funny what goes through childrens' mind.....
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Yeah. It’s strange, isn’t it? You never know what particular details children will pick up on, or what things they will say to either share or mask their feelings.
When it comes to things like this, I want to be as open and honest as I can with my kids. I can remember the He went away conversation from when I was young, and that didn’t seem to be good enough for me.
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Explaining death to children Is something pretty difficult.But I feel they would get to some certain age where they would understand natural occurrences.I know of a barely 3 year old girl who lost her mother recently, so how do you think they should explain the occurrence to her?
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I lost a friend earlier this year who left behind a three year old as well. I have no idea how to explain that. I think, possibly, a lot of it has to do with what the child is willing to accept. Of course, I would try to tell her that her mother is within and without her, taking residence in all the things she once loved and all the people who loved her, but if the girl finds no comfort in that and doesn’t believe it, then I think it would be good to look for other stories and images that might work for her.
When I was three or four my mother told me that my great-grandfather, whom I was very close to, went to heaven. My response was to hate God, even at that young age.
Like I said, I don’t know if telling my son a rocket ship comes for those that are dying is good or not, but he chose the object and gave it meaning, which really helps when w have these conversations.
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Yeah just as u said another story or picture might work,making it look more euphemistic.
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Finding stories that children relate to, or characters that have similar feelings to them can be helpful too, I think.
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Your way of explaining the death is good, because it is natural and there shouldn't be any fear in the mind of our child that may create problems for him for the rest of his life.
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I think so too. Death is a very strange thing, even for adults, so finding a way to accept it peacefully and without fear is important.
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Even adults took time to get back to their normal life after loosing their closely related person.
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That’s true.
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"I don’t know if I’m doing my children a service or a disservice by talking to them about death in this way, but I do know that I don’t want them to fear death."
I think it is a good way of dealing with this topic, and they should not fear death. But who are we "adults" to say what death really is? We haven't the slightest clue. And even us "adults" when facing death, really facing our own mortality often get as frightened and confused as little children would. Who is too judge, there are no right answers here...might as well be a rocketship.
Thank you for this touching article.
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Thanks for stopping by @cryptonik. I like what you say, might as well be a rocketship. We really don’t know, do we?
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There is no easy way to explain death or make reason with it but I do feel children are very resilient and have an powerful way to cope. After all they have their whole life ahead of them. I think it often becomes harder to accept death the older we get.
On a brighter note (well a shade of black and white) I nominated you for the 7 day BnW Photo Challenge here
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Thanks! I’ve been curious about that and wondering if I would ever get nominated. That will help me keep some posts coming through the holidays, which I was worried would take all of my focus and time.
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It's takes little time but it encourages you to reach out to people and engage so it actually helps with community building too.
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Yeah. I like that aspect. Already I’m wondering who to nominate next, especially because my first nomination was nominated by somebody else a couple hours before me. I’d like to find some fresh participants.
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I'll send you a list after I get home from work today with all the people who have done it already.
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Thanks! That would be great!
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Thank god I don't have any kids. I'd probably tell them the cat ran away just to avoid the discussion
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It is tempting to do that. But then you end up having to go search for the car every day for a week or two. Often, those simple little lies turn into big projects when it comes to kids. I can imagine saying that, then being nagged so much about looking for and finding the cat that one day I get annoyed and just snap, The cat’s dead all right. It died.
Parenting, it’s full of surprises.
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I am very much impressed by your way of giving knowledge about "death"..to your son... Sometimes it seems to hard to leave reply of our children's question... But your technique is really appreciable... Expecting from you such type of real incident in later post also...
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Thank you mamu77. I appreciate your comment. In responding to other comments, I’m realizing that what has worked for me so far is listening to my son and carrying his own imagery and way of making sense of things further. I think that can be helpful for children, affirming their ideas and developing so they encapsulate larger ideas.
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Thabk you very much. It was some really good writing. Also, great advices for parents and in general.
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Thanks @bitton. I appreciate your compliments and your taking the time to leave a comment.
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I get so very frustrated. I am used to using my own keyboard instead of this laptop's measly keyboard. Nothing wrong with it, I am simply used to my own. So I had this profound reply, and now I will have to rewrite it.
Right, so I looked at all of the comments. All of us have no idea what happens in the afterlife. All of us only have some vague view that we will live forever in some form of energy.
I am not in the business of converting anybody. I would just love to have a conversation with all different theories. I know where I am going. I am not sure whence I am coming from. Do you get my drift?
I will have to get my children to show me how to have a live conversation, but it would be a pleasure to share each other's views, and seeing what we have in common, and where we disagree. I repeat: I am not in the business of converting. However, if I can show someone towards the Light, I would be deeply thankful.
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I think I get your drift. I’ve always had a strange relationship with spirituality. I don’t quite know how to put it into words. While having many spiritual experiences and feeling like there is some kind of presence in this universe, I’ve never believed in established religions. I’ve found some of the stories associated with them interesting and some of the teachings helpful, but I can’t bring myself to worship in a particular fashion and I can’t accept any official story. That’s what I like about living in Japan. There are places to worship at and believe, even while doubting, and there are rituals that are light enough and infrequent enough to easily observe and be moved by, and there is enough privacy and freedom to worship as you wish. I don’t know. I’ve found myself feeling very connected to something over here quite a few times, often, I think that Sonething is nature, setting, and spirit, of some kind.
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Another thought: you should write a post about this and invite discussion.
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This is a good idea. Remember, I said I am going to print your entire article, read it through and comment in my own way. I will then post it with my own ideas, and then invite discussion. Ooh, this is going to be exciting. Just promise me that you will participate. I am still very small and do not get a lot of views.
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Send me the link when it’s posted and I will definitely participate!
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