Stream of Consciousness = a flow of uncensored thoughts written down.
The value I hope to give you by posting this on the internet is to show you an intimate look inside the mind of another human being. It might show you that we’re all a little bit crazy and a little bit geniuses. It might bring you relief in the form of recognition, and it might bring you inspiration in the form of wonderful thoughts you have never heard before. It might also bring you laughter because sometimes my mind is just a ridiculous, funny mess!😉
This Stream of Consciousness (#11) specifically contains a lot on the topics of:
– Processing grief
- Starting a new website project
- Thoughts on work style
Germany, 7-10-2016
A new stream of consciousness. Probably not as one-topiced as the last. My mind goes all over the place the last two days. It's still a weird thing, to have lost Jordan. I bought a domain name for the new project: www.InevitableBliss.com. Linked it to my dualdev host, no idea yet how to link that to wordpress.org... I'm so content with the name. It's such a soothing truth that in the end we'll all reach bliss, we can make it come slower or faster by free will, but it will become reality some day. Now I'm uploading a lot of picture to private albums on Facebook, just to store them so I can make some space on my clouds. I wrote affirmations on how I want to navigate the stuff around Jordans death. I want to find back my abundance-thinking in regard to my love life and finding amazing lovers. I want to let go of societal beliefs of the absoluteness of death, I want to feel the truth of reincarnation and immortal souls. I will meet him again, if not in this life, then after my death. Can I have a love life just as fulfilling as when I was with him? I try to believe so. I don't have any proof for the opposite either anyway. I'm so much looking forward to my past life regression therapy session on Sunday. I have been here in Freiburg for a week and a half now, walked in the forest only twice. I seem to be more preoccupied with ... lots of stuff like reading in a book for 5 minutes, falling asleep for 20 minutes, making tea, drinking tea, deciding to play a game, discovering that games don't entertain me at all anymore, staring out of the window, watching a spiritual teaching on youtube, meditating for 10 minutes, making tea again, reading 4 pages in a book, talking with my sister... like that. It feels pretty relaxed, and also I miss the feelings of joy, passion, playfulness, love, working on some project. Right the project. I'll try to figure that FTP database stuff out today. Worpress has manuals. Hmmmm... why did my programmer friend die? It's ironic that I'm here in my sisters house and her boyfriend is a programmer, and I can ask him some questions sometimes, but I don't really dare to do it. He might be a bit of a people pleaser. And I know he's super busy at work, and in the evenings he's helping my sister already with her website. Our former Commit Happiness website. Does that make me feel alone? If I write it down like that it does feel a bit... like forced independence. It makes me think of what Jordan said to me on the last day he was alive, we were speaking about creating the website together to put the relationship course on, now that my sister didn't want it anymore on the Commit Happiness website. And he said he wanted me to make my own at the same time, because he didn't want me to be dependent on him. He said that would be 'gross'. He said he was really excited for me to have my very own website, so that I could be independent and travel anywhere while having passive income. Really excited. I keep his vision in mind while starting this. The initial name I wanted, LoveUnlimited was taken, now I got this one, maybe even better actually. Slowly the project grows. I try to give myself time to mourn as well. It hasn't been usual for me to give myself time for things like that. Jordan helped me. He would always tell me that I work so hard, and that I'm so motivated, and that I should take a 'mental health day' off whenever I need it. I'm sure he would be impressed already by how consciously and well I process the bad news of him dying. I don't even want to say 'bad' news. It's just what it is. I don't know the bigger plan behind it. Answers will come some day. If not this life, then after. I practice patience, I practice surrender, I'm grateful that my heart is so alive, and that the love is so powerful that I'm touched so deeply by losing him. It does make me cry again now I write about it. Yesterday evening before going to bed, I talked to him for a while. I whispered how much I loved him, which memories I'm particularly fond of, what I'm grateful for, I asked him to bring me answers if he could, I asked him to appear in my night time dreams. He didn't. Or at least I can't remember. I started writing a dream journal again today. Last time I did that was maybe a year ago, and before that 4 years ago. I did tell Jordan some mornings what I had dreamed. I try to enhance my dream memory. Once in a while my enthusiasm about lucid dreaming becomes very alive again. When Jordan took me to a second hand bookstore in Portland, I found the book 'Dream Yoga' from Andrew Holcek, and it seems sooo interesting! Lucid dreaming as a spiritual tool. And even it should be possible to stay aware during deep sleep, sleep yoga. I do need to put in more effort if I really want to learn. But I just want to act on my inspiration. Jordan dying gives me some more inspiration again. I totally believe we can communicate with the dead in lucid dream state. I have done so with Olivier one time I think. I found him in the Tree of Life, we had a short conversation. He was doing fine. Dear Olivier. I love him. I have been in love with him for quite some years, I would say... from the moment I met him till the moment he ended his life. I don't hope this is going to be a theme... men I love that die. By the way, why is that facebook album with all the laughter yoga foto's still not posted?? I hope it will, it took quite some time to find all the pictures. Maybe because there are a few weird photoshop layout files in it too. But I need to clear out space, I need to make space for the new project. Ooohh computer stuff. I learned some stuff about work, productivity and motivations as well from Jordan. It was wonderful to see him working on some project he actually really didn't like. He said he was just 'banging his head against the wall' most of the time. And he seemed kind of fine with it, he didn't blame himself for not being productive, because he had tried all day. And other days he would make progress really fast and spent hours and hours cuddling with me. Ha ha, wonderful how I could always distract him from his work. Not hard at all. He is so empowered in his no, but he never wanted to say no to me. He said no to me once, when I asked him to pick me up from yoga class. I had to walk home for an hour. Fine. I didn't go to yoga the days after anymore though. Also yoga in America is weird... it's more like hard core fitness style. Even if the class if called 'love life yoga' or 'gratitude flow', I would expect softness and a meditative vibe, but no, those classes killed me. Fun, it has become a very typical stream of consciousness. For me at least. I would have Jordan read my SoC, and he always loved it so much, he would even encourage me to write more. But when I asked him if I could read his, he tried but his mind is just to fucking clear and meditative always for him to be able to really write something down. I found that amazing. To see that in 5 minutes or so he just produces 5 thoughts about him liking his life, liking me... So I tried to read Eckart Tolle too, because that's where he got it from and he did inspire me, but that guy.... is so negative about the ego and the ratio. And I don't know, I can enjoy my thoughts. Hmmmm. I guess. Some more meditation would be good for me as well though. Oh yes, I'm so happy that I could finally sign up for the ten day Vipassana course in Thailand the day before yesterday. I have been waiting to be able to do that for months now. I hope they will let me in, I answered their questions honestly, also the one about drugs, so that might be a problem...? I tried to explain I just use psychedelics for spiritual purposes and that I'm not addicted. But I don't know if they'll understand, there is such a stigma about drugs. Even the word 'drugs' has this super negative connotation it seems. Like I just know that when they ask about my drug use, they would like to hear most that I don't use any. And I feel I have to defend my drug use. How do I know? Their question was actually neutral. Maybe they love to have people over who have tried some psychedelics. I mean... I would if I would run a retreat center ha ha. Open minded adventurous people, please come in :) And bring the DMT with you if you like... Too bad the world isn't all like that. Shit that album is still uploading. I'm so not willing to do all that work again. Jordan says I have to work through that thing of me really detesting doing double work. Well maybe this is a good moment. But I don't know what it's about. I can make an affirmation though: I love doing double work. LOL. I love doing double work! Oh my God that's so funny. I really honestly love doing double work. I mean, wow it's so straightforward, you know exactly what to do. Simple life. Doing double work, meditative. Creates humbleness as well. To strengthen my sense of service: I want to make the world a better place, I want to make people happy with this InevitableBliss project, and now I will do all the double work that is necessary. And I will do all the stupid FTP dataserver whatever shit, because it's necessary and I know I have to do it. I know it's the right thing to do, and so I will, with all my heart. Wow. affirmations sometime really amaze me. LOL. That actually worked. Hmmm yeah and still I do hope that facebook album will just upload... Life. Oh my god, just to think about how to file the taxes for a new company while I'm not in the Netherlands and many customers won't be Dutch either... makes me feel so reluctant and discouraged. 'I love doing work to comply with the Dutch government, love it, love it.' Hard to convince myself of this one. Okay this stream is going nowhere anymore. And I'm still in my bed. 11 AM now. I need to change the energy. Take a shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, work at the table. Meditate a bit. I love Jordan so much. Wow and after posting about Jordan's death I got so many lovely messages from friends and even a 100 messages from Commit Happiness users. I feel loved and carried. And at the same time, nothing will do, even 200 messages of support can not make up for not having him in my life anymore. Although grateful and feeling connected to my global family,... honestly it were even too many messages too answer :') Allright. I start feeling kind of sloppy from laptopping in bed too long. Bye everyone. I love all of you.