How to Properly Apologize to a Dream or The Girl with a Mild Case of Amnesia and the Happenings on the Cold Beach

Once we were having that discussion and I said,
"Yes. Yes I did. But I only stalked you because I love you."

She said, "Oh did you?"

"I did." I said. "I did and I told you. Don't you remember?"

She said her mind really has bad memory. "I even forget people I've met sometimes." She said.

I guess that was when I knew, you know? That it's ineluctable sometimes, some facts. Because first of all I've never felt that I deserve any sort of entitlement from anyone in my life. My whole life has continually pointed to the fact that I don't. For that reason I never felt "special". So I guess I knew.

We were at the beach when we had this conversation. Ten years ago.

"You completely forget them?"
I said.

"Yes. Yes, like completely. I met a rather handsome boy yesterday. Tall and cute. Serbian, too. He greeted me and I greeted him back. He greeted me like he knew me but I just greeted him like a stranger. Of course he felt disappointed and I apologized and he gave me his number. And guess what? His phone number was saved on my phone. And yet I could swear I'd never met him in my life."

"Perhaps you met him in another life,"
I said.

"Perhaps."
She said.

The cool fast sea breeze hit us and I kept quiet. It was a beautiful night and the water glittered from the moon. There were stars all over the sky and it was so close we could jump on them and hang on them. I was going to tell her this but I caught myself in time. I had to be sensitive of her condition. Lord knows I always tried to be sensitive of her condition but deep down I guess I knew I'd fail. I knew just like I knew she'd forget me when she mentioned about her bad memory.

"Do you think you'd ever forget me?"
I said. I knew I shouldn't have asked. It was a stupid question to ask, but the night was just so beautiful and this goddamn amazing thrush had just begun to sing.

I was glad I asked though, because she smiled. She smiled then she laughed. I laughed too and then we kept quiet again and let the cool breeze hit us.

"Don't forget me."
I said. Like an idiot. All sentimental, you know? Like a frigging idiot. I said, don't forget me, and she didn't laugh this time. She said,

"Sure. Sure. I hope so."

And that's when I confirmed it.

On my way I stopped by a grocery shop. It was a small shop where they had great snacks and I was really hungry. On the counter I met this fat beautiful old man who happened to be my teacher from high school. He was old and he did not recognize me.

I didn't blame him. He was old and we were about a hundred in the class then and I was always at the back trying not to get noticed. I was going to leave without saying anything but then as I got to the door I saw this sticker of a "tongue-out emoji" and instantly my heart sunk and I remembered her again.

So I decided I won't be forgotten by one more person. I went back to the counter and told the fat old man he was my goddamn teacher and I always tried. I told him I always tried and even though I didn't always succeed; even though I always managed to do something to fuck everything up it was never intentional.

And even when I try to defend myself but only manage to fuck things up the more I was only a victim of my own stupid eloquence. Or pride. Or lack of of eloquence. Or lack of self confidence.

Poor old man. He just stared at me blank. Then he laughed. Poor old man. He must have seen how crazy I was inside. He bursted into laughter and when he was done he called my name, he said,

"George, you son of a bitch, of course I remember you! I only kept quiet to see if you'd say something. I see you've finally found your voice."

He kept on laughing and he held me to him and hugged me tightly. I was in tears now and he was laughing and the tears kept rolling gently and softly down my cheeks and they were so hot they almost burned and after he let me go he saw the tears on my cheeks and said, like a frigging sage, poor old Mr. Kevin who whipped us like a maniac, he said to me, like a frigging sage,

"It's never too late, boy. You finally found a voice. Use it."

So we were back at the beach and it was just like it was that night. Only this time we were standing and her back was turned to me and I could feel her crying and hurt.

In a moment she was gasping for breath; hyperventitlating. She was in a panic attack and I couldn't do anything to help it and I just stood there, helpless, unable to move.

She was right in front of me, dying, gasping violently for breath and rolling on the sand with tears on her face and I couldn't do a thing about it. Because even though she was right in front of me she was a million miles away at the same time, you know.

There has always been that remarkable distance between us. Even when we were together like that the first time at the beach when I realize I'd make a silly mistake and she'd forget me.

So after standing there helpless, my heart knotted, crying and in immense pain myself; after all that she finally came to. The barrier was gone now and I could move closer to her and hold her in my arms.

"You betrayed me!"
She said to me. She was looking me right in the eyes and I could swear to you she saw a stranger.

"I tried,"
I told her.

"I tried. I - I - didn't mean to - -"

And then she was gone. Just like that.