some days are just too hard

I'm no quitter, but when you battle the depression monster all the time and feel like there is no relief.... you feel overwhelmed and just want to give up.... today is one of those days. I'm stressed, struggling and the ugly monsters in my mind are telling me in that screaming voice that it's never going to get better and I'm better off just giving up..... I sobbed.... I'm still sobbing...which makes typing rather difficult, but lucky for me I can type by touch and the not being able to see through the tears, should not interfere with the words that flow from my fingers. I feel lost, and unwanted. like I really am more of a bother than a help.... now.. deep down I know that none of those thoughts are true.... but there is a low point that you reach, where that voice changes...it's not your voice any longer...it's a deep, dark, hateful voice that tells you to end it.... that you have no value or purpose. that you are a drain to others, that things will never be better and you will feel this way forever. it's scary..... I want to live.... more than anything.... but my soul... it hurts...and it's tired.... so I cry some more and hope that the act will wash away these feelings, cause the daily battle of fighting them off is exhausting. and since I don't have my herbal medication , I took my meds and a benedryl to help me chill out... I won't take Xanax or Valium... or any other benzos.... I refuse to get my body hooked on that crap..... benedryl works for me...as do other herbs..... and I will cry myself to sleep and wake up tomorrow and fight again.