as of late, I find myself to be depressed, anxious or just really angry. Today, I was sitting at home , alone... and I saw this song come on Vevo.... it was a song dedicated to Paul Walker... but as I looked at all his pictures, I found myself sobbing, missing my dad.... cause I remembered he is dead. I have days where i forget he is gone and left me with a huge mess that seems to never end. it's been seven months yesterday...... I miss him and want to say hi, even though he was a mean drunk..... I really miss his voice. it hurts so much to know he was so sad and so lost in his addiction. It hurts more to know he died alone, surrounded by garbage and bottles upon bottles of empty Smirnoff. I hate him for it. but I miss him. I should be thankful he is not here anymore, but damnit, he had a hard life and he struggled and deep down, he was a sweet, loving man , that was horribly abused by his family.... and he passed that on . I was subjected to a life that no child should have..... but still, I miss him. and it makes me mad that i do.
each day that goes by lately...is long, arduous and just seems to be a never-ending stuggle to just find a ray of hope to cling to. The depression has a grip on me.....and that deep, dark voice that belongs to it... really is saying some awful things to me.... I'm so tired of a daily battle to just live. I cling to whatever tiny bit of joy I can.....it's barely keeping my head above water......and I feel so heavy and tired.... some days , I just want to let go of flotation device and let the darkness swallow me. I feel no purpose. This struggle has been ongoing since I was like five..... so, for about forty one years, I have fought this monster...... but it's a huge struggle now.... more so than ever before....I just want to lay here and cry til it stops.
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Same here. My dad and two brothers are all dead. They were severe alcoholics. I was beaten every week by one of them (except my oldest brother). I know exactly what you just said in your post. Time helps and lots of meditation has helped me.
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I hear that time helps..... I'm just waiting for it. it's not like i did not know this would happen.... I had been expecting it... and thought I was prepared.... but I was so very wrong..... it just brought up so much that I had hidden away.... and I feel like I'm going crazy. Being severely depressed on top of it all really does not help.... I'm following you now.... thanks for the kind words.... and I am sorry for your losses as well....
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Thank you. I also have depression. You are just a younger version of me. How I coped was I stayed busy in school. I made A's. I graduated early from High School and went to College. we had to be out of the house by our 18th birthday. I got my first degree at age 19. I have three now. I have never had alcohol in my life. I was terrified I would turn out like my Dad and Brothers. I am a research scientist and busy myself in my research and inventions. This has helped me by distracting me from my depression and horrifying child memories. Like you I do miss my Dad. He did have positive qualities. He was super funny and was a Genius (IQ rating). Stay in touch. I will help in any way that I can
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will do, I did school for a long time, could never pass this one math class I needed to transfer..... took the class three times.... and each time did worse.... so I gave up... got two associate degrees and about 6 certificate programs.... but my depression and anxiety have kept me pretty much homebound for years. I have had a few months here and there, where I was good and could go out.... but then something would happen and it would put me back to step one.... the fear is paralyzing. so now... I'm doing therapy, to really get to the core....and it's some of the hardest work I have ever done....mentally exhausting. but I'm trying... cause I don't quit. ..... I just pause.
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One more thought that helped me. Trust me on this one. After years of research i found that taking Dr. Joel Wallach's products called Youngevity really has helped me. The majority of my depression is handled by getting 77 natural organic plant derived minerals and 13 vitamins/amino acids. His product called Beyond Tangy Tangerine has helped me beyond belief. The product is a powder that I mix every morning with water or juice. It has helped my body's chemical balance and metabolism. Check out the website youngevity.com
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looks great, but out of my price range..... I'm on disablity and I have no extra cash after I pay rent utilities, dog food, medications and laundry. maybe once i settle my dad's estate, I will have a tiny bit of money to splurge on myself.
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It will be money well spent to take care of your health. I have up drinking soda and chips to purchase the Beyond Tangy Tangerine
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Just taking this opportunity to say "THANK YOU FOR FOLLOWING ME"
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Isolation is the breeding ground of all deception. People were not made to live in isolation. We were made for relationships with God and mankind.
You need to get out of bed, out of the house, and into the sunlight of God's love. Let the sunlight nourish your heart and mind.
Also find some people that love you and accept you for who you are, not because you please their opinions or because of what you can do for them.
It would also do you good to start some kind of exercise routine, and keep your commitment to it, no matter how small it is. This discipline will help you get your thoughts and feelings under control, instead of allowing them to rule your life.
Discipline and love is the answer to your battle. I have been through it myself, and the new lifestyle will change your life!
Jesus Loves You!
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love. (1 John 4:18)
For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)
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