All in a day of a depressed soul

I open my eyes to a brand new day,
The first thought that crosses my mind this morning says ‘I survived another day!’
Not all awakenings are so lucky,
I wake up almost each daybreak to anguish & anxiety;
Engulfed in blankets of wretchedness & agony.

As the clock ticks away, I can feel the throbbing of my veins;
Just one rip to break the skin,
To seek the warmth of my blood flowing out free,
Like I wish to be.

I wish to die with the hope that life will be beautiful in death,
Then the irony hits me
There is no life in death!
Life & death are inverse & yet
I am alive but also dead.

My mind revolves in constant contemplation,
I feel trapped in the blackhole of trepidation.
A burning desire I harbor within,
To be one with the inferno,
To put out the firestorm in my brain.

I sense my parents suffering the pain of their child succumbing to nothingness.
They bellow & call me indolent, as I sit in a torpid state,
With hopes that I will do better.
I try! I swear! I do!
But the shackles around my psyche heavily weighs me down.

Sometimes I feel that they don’t get me & don’t even want to try.
But, the truth looms large…
They are hurting too.
I wish to put them out of their misery.
So I venture out,
I try to poise myself with hope & sanity.
Although, it doesn’t matter as I’m slowly slipping into obscurity.

A random fleeting glance from a stranger results in self-abasement,
But the menacing & ruthless stare of the Grim Reaper appears balmy & pleasant.
I laugh & smile acknowledging conversations,
But deep inside my spirit is tearing away & twisting in tribulation.

I see my savior seeing through me,
I see vicarious despondency flit across his ever-composed eyes,
Contrasting his sanguine mien.
I remember my former self,
When I was his rock, the sound of reason.
Beautiful, smart, intelligent, amazing, genius once defined my persona
But now, are nothing but empty words.
I have it all & yet nothing.
I wonder why am I so?
Am I cursed? Damned to hell while living on Earth?

To relieve my heartache , I disclose my reality to my loved ones,
It’s effects are automatically ignominious.
Then begins the rain of fallacious & unsolicited advices from the oblivious.

Unable to bear, I slowly retreat into my shell.
And after a while , I am forsaken & friendless.
Adrift & astray, unanchored to life.
I hear the mellow sound of the river currents calling me into the abyss of death.
Then arrives my knight in shining armour,
To help me just wade through,
With hopes that just one more day might make all the difference.
And together we swim into calmer tides.

Back home, I see my pet fish breathing his end,
Whose frolicking around soothed me at a rough day’s descend.
I feel like I’m drowning from within,
But a light shines through & reminds me,
This beautiful fish made an impact on my life so large,
Even though it lived only for a fortnight & half.
I have lived for a quarter of a century,
May be, I am not that worthless after all.

In sometime again, I experience the hollow feeling of my existence,
That I am nothing but a speck in this vast creation.
It dawns on me that the oceans reflect the turbulence & serenity of my mind.
I turn around & see my little brother beaming positively;
His smile assuaging my afflictions;
His love almost palliative.

Now the moon shines high,
I struggle to put myself to sleep,
Even as a familiar voice croons a lullaby in the background.
As I have survived another day,
I cautiously look forward to tomorrow through tainted glasses.
I see a faint glimmer of hope towards the restitution of my life.

• Nivedita