despite the darkness, there is hope

For the last few weeks, I must have caught the "winter blues" because I suddenly felt easily agitated and restless.
As if I was petrified, I was fully aware of the psychological change that was taking place but I was unable to steer away from negative thoughts. I felt my vitality being drained from me as I became disinterested and lost motivation in doing anything productive. I began to fear for the worst...It was eight years ago that I was diagnosed with clinical depression and though technically I have long recovered, that experience still haunts me to this day with the threat of a relapse around every bad day.

After some internal debate, I have decided to share with the readers of my blog today, my personal experience with depression. I figured this way, I may do something positive for the community, but also breaking the chain of unproductivity at the same time (two birds with one stone). I'll admit writing this piece was really difficult but I managed to pull through. I knew I wanted more than anything to prove to others and myself that it is possible to overcome my own demons. Throughout the process, I had to reaffirm myself countless times that I could do it. "if I can pull this off when I'm at my worst, imagine what I'm capable of at my best!" and I actually managed to do it!

It is my wish that through my writing, I may empower and become a positive influence to others who are currently struggling with mental illness or knows someone who is struggling with mental illness. More importantly, I hope people may find comfort in my words and know that they aren't alone in this fight. This I believe, is the best testimony anyone can give to show others that despite the darkness, there is hope. Please don't ever give up!

My Story

It happened 8 years ago, but I can still remember the day I tried to end it all as if it was only yesterday. I sat on the edge of my bed, motionless with a pen and a notebook in my hands. Beside me laid an open bottle of sleeping pills. I had just made another attempt to take my own life and was in the process of writing my last words. With shaking hands and sweaty palms, I began to jot down "dear mom and dad, I'm sorry but I just can't take it anymore. Please forgive me." All the while hoping it'd be over soon; a quick painless death. I'll admit I was a coward for choosing suicide as an escape. The truth was...I actually didn't want to die; I just wanted this living nightmare to be over. That afternoon eight years ago would have been my last if my parents didn't discover me in time and rushed me to the ER.

At that moment, I honestly had myself convinced I no longer had nothing to live for. My girlfriend of four years had just ended the relationship with me and some of the people whom I thought were friends, became as distant as ever during my struggle with depression. As my world was falling apart around me, I found temporary refuge inside my head to hide from my real-world problems instead of facing them. There were times I felt as if this depression had a mind of its own and was attempting to pick my brains for any negative thoughts to feed upon, more fuel for its fury. I became obsessed with criticizing my past failures and I would watch those horrible scenarios unfold over and over in my head, most often before trying to fall asleep.

The scariest truth about depression is that it can turn you into a dreadful, unlovable and bitter individual before it stripes away your soul; it makes you self-absorbed (in the sense that you only focus on your pain) and blind to all the positive and good things happening around you. It ultimately drives people away from you so that you may die alone. Often It's not easy befriending or being around someone who is depressed because their negativity can infectious. Knowing this, I realize I'm truly blessed to have parents and friends who never gave up on me. It was thanks to the consistent love and support of family and friends that I was able to survive my depression to tell the tale.

In the shadows

Since then, I'm proud to say I've only had one isolated incident where I felt I almost went over the edge. For individuals whos been through depression, however, the danger is never really over. Akin to a predator waiting to strike at me in my most vulnerable state; the threat of a relapse is very real and always lingering in the deep-end of their consciousness. To this day, whenever I fall into a period of unexplainable melancholy, I begin to worry that I might be headed towards a relapse.

My advice to those who are struggling is to talk with someone whom you trust and can listen. Someone won't ask you too many questions and just be there for you. Remind yourself that it's impossible to feel chipper all the time and that it's normal to feel sad sometimes, even if the reason doesn't seem obvious. Take responsibility and ownership for your own negative feelings. Allow yourself to feel sad and let it all out. I feel it is part of a healthy healing process to own up to your mistakes and make peace with all the negativity in the past. Therefore, though it's a little embarrassing for me admit, I will share my faults.

Looking back now, it became apparent I lacked the mental maturity in handling my relationships better. Much of the tragedy could have been avoided if only I was slower to blame others and handled disagreements more tactfully. It is my belief that, owning your mistakes is what will make you stronger as a survivor and healthy part of respecting yourself.

Ray of Hope

I'm thankful for my depression for providing me a painful yet valuable life lesson that I believe helped me rediscover my true values in life. It reminds me to be thankful for all the good in my life, no matter how insignificant it may be. If nothing else, be thankful you are alive today and able to experience life because every life is a miracle.

I came out of the ordeal closer and more intimate with my family and discovered my true friends. For all the supportive friends who stuck around at my worst, you have my eternal gratitude. I am choosing to remain strong and live another day for them.