You're a really good writer, but your topic is a bit depressing ;)

There are times when I wonder whether I'm bipolar or not, because I have moments when I feel embarrassingly happy, like psychedelically blissful, for no real reason, then, sometimes in the very same day, do a hard fall into emptiness and apathy and a total lack of energy, as if the happiness has sucked all my energy away.

I'm such a stubborn and prideful SOB that I refuse to see a doctor about it and I've never once mentioned any of this to a friend or family member. I'm a MAN -- I have to be STRONG, ya know?

And I do feel strong most of the time, even when I feel really low.

One of the tricks that I've taught myself to help me overcome the extreme burden of depression is to take control of my attention and to focus it on the subtle feelings involved. I've got to a point now through continued practice where I essentially override the feelings of depression with "pure curiosity". I focus so much on the observation of "this thing called depression" that it seemingly becomes "separate" and "distant".

I become so magnetized to all the subtle intricacies and sensations of diving deeper and deeper that I leave it (the depression) entirely , to the point of forgetting that it was ever an issue, then peace settles into the emptiness.

One downside of this practice is that I become SO OVERLY SENSITIVE, to every.little.sensation inside of me and emotionally/ psychologically "raw" from doing it that I can hardly manage to have an intelligible interaction with people.

It's kind of difficult to explain. It's like I become a very curious child, empty and vulnerable, yet too fascinated with it's own peculiar world to pay any attention to those things, or to other people, for that matter. It can take many hours and sometimes more than a day for me to "come back" to....to what?

I don't know... I suppose fear, heaviness, stress, suffering, sometimes joy, a lot of "efforting", straining, laboring, desiring, comparing, envying, competing, pretending, deluding, having an occasional moment of clarity, back to stressing, straining and suffering, oh, and here comes depression again. You know, the "adult life".