The Fatigue of Existence.

pathforger (56) in depression • 7 years ago

I am running on empty.

The depth of the tiredness that I feel is difficult to describe.

Its the kind of tiredness that snuffs me out.

Several times in the writing of these few words, my eyelids droop shut and my fingers grow heavier, and then I open them to find that I have some deleting to do. Such has become a norm.

I have succumbed to an aura of failure.

I 'am' a failure.

Many more instances of drooping off. The enter key got spammed again and again- and undone.

I don't know if there ever was much to be undone in my regards... but I feel undone.

A part of me has also given up. Stopped caring so much, I guess.

I know this because I have resorted to escapism. I have turned back the clock 20 years with the first bout of intensive gaming that I've seen in 20 years. Robocraft...

On the one hand it feels good.

However my esteem of myself is still very low.

So low that a couple of weeks ago I opted to offer to throw myself away to offer the developers of that embattled game a hand "on a pro bona and confidential basis".

No answer. Not even an acknowledgement.

You know you've hit rock bottom and how worthless you are when you cannot even give your time away for free.

So - sure... that has been going on in the miserable parody of an existence that I call my life.

I am putting it out here, not for any pity - for I am beginning to embrace the futility of it all - nor am I wanting of words of wisdom this time around - I am beyond it. Nor am I even wanting of a response. Really, I don't.

I just want this to serve as a headstone on this Steemit account. A final account of that which went wrong - or sealed the fate of it anyway.

Does this mean that I shall no longer be posting? Not exactly... but I feel that the person that I was before is dead at this point. There is no 'path forger' left here. Nor even a game designer. Both were but foolhardy dreams of the foolishness that was me (and, in truth, never appreciated by those who should have known better). If either reason is why you were following me then you may unfollow me. No point lingering around a rotting corpse.

No... my posts will likely become gaming-related as the World falls apart at the seams - and one day,I might be inclined to give teasers as to what the World chose to miss out on in its negligence of those like me. No more though - I refuse to pander to those who perversely claim that ideas are worthless. My worthless ideas I'll take to my grave.

Enough is enough.

depression humanity personal blog gaming

7 years ago by pathforger (56)

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accelerator (67) · 7 years ago

Many years ago now, but I did the opposite of what most people suggest. I went deeper down, deeper into the darkness. It's like a real game, a game to find the solution. My one assumption was that there was a solution and that solution was not in zombie meds but in my own mind and body. Was interesting.

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3 votes

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accelerator (67) · 7 years ago

nearly forgot, will be added to our MAP Resteems - will be posted very soon.

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jimbobbill (62) · 7 years ago

I felt quite sad reading this and although I have never suffered from depression myself, I spend most of my time frustrated at my lack of motivation and constant procrastination. The deeper I dig into the way the world works the more helpless things seem and this feeling is only made worse when I start looking around because most people are blissfuly ignorant (IMO) that anything untoward is going on at all and seem quite happy with the way things are.

Yesterday we saw yet another false flag CW attack in Syria and my spirits were crushed even further when I speak to people who have been duped and now call for military action without even waiting to determine who was actually responsible or if it happened at all.

I've been searching for the truth for over seven years now and I have been through some dark times but something has always pulled me out of the abyss before it completely swallowed me up.

I hope the way you feel now is temporary and that perhaps this comment of support might help you in some way.

Keep your chin up. Don't let the bastards grind you down (despite the fact that they pretty much run the entire planet and are on the verge of enslaving humanity)

Stay safe

Jim

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3 votes

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accelerator (67) · 7 years ago

Yeah, I find most people disturbing and their lack of awareness now dangerous.

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2 votes

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pathforger (56) · 7 years ago

I was going to say that I'd stopped caring about the deterioration of our World... and yet I just spent half an hour verbally assaulting a colleague's awareness of the World... It was a release.

I do doubt that 'they' have played a hand in my mundane failings.

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karinxxl (68) · 7 years ago

Ej bro..just checking in..hanging in there?

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1 vote

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karinxxl (68) · 7 years ago

My friend.. this hard to read, and I can only image the slightest of how it was to write for you.

Your depression has gotten the most of you at this moment and the old pathforger is hiding in a corner somewhere. Not dead, just hiding.

I hope you can find things to create some little light for you somewhere in the dark place you are in now.

People outside cant help too much dealing with this I guess. Thats why Im sorry I cant do anything for you to make you feel a bit better, even though Id love to.

Stay strong my friend. I will keep sending annoying messages just to check in ;)

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2 votes

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pathforger (56) · 7 years ago

It was not the easiest write - but I felt that it had to be written.

Perhaps he is hiding. Time will tell. In the meantime I'll try to adjust to circumstances - try to retain a reasonable degree of comfort.

Thank you for your kind words.

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celestal (71) · 7 years ago

Heyy @pathforger, just wanted to say sorry how you feeling and to say hi. Anyway, rest as much as you need and I hope life gets you back on to a some sort of track, or you get back on track yourself. Either way, wish you well.

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pathforger (56) · 7 years ago

Thank you for your thoughts @celestal.

Perhaps some day.

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arthur.grafo (69) · 7 years ago

I have suffered the way you are suffering, a number of times. Those I made the most sacrifices for have been the first to turn away when I lost my wealth. However, I did learn a few important lessons.

You are feeding your own feelings of not being worthy. For instance, you mention offering to help a game developing company for free and you are upset they did not bother to reply.

If you have a number of games you created that achieved a degree of success, you would be right to be upset. So, instead of allowing yourself to feed off their negativity, ask some questions:

Could it be that there are legal reasons why they cannot work with you, as they might leave themselves open to claims by you, if you do substantially contribute to their game?

Are they inundated with people offering (especially the younger adults) who are convinced that once they help, the company will see how valuable they are and rush to offer them a wonderful job and shares? Such people are usually unstable and live in fantasies, which when they do not come true quickly, make them furious and insulting. A few such unpleasant experiences may have taught them to ignore such requests to be of assistance.

Asking for nothing was guaranteed to achieve the snub you were dealt. Why? Well, if you do not value your abilities and time, why should they? Surely you do not expect business people to believe in altruism? That you do not mind them making huge profits and being showered by admiration by the gaming community, while you sit hidden away, gleefully rejoicing on their behalf?

Now that that part of my answer is out of the way, may I congratulate you? I have gone through periods of depression and spent countless hours writing poems (I was lucky, someone stole the case I held them in - I hope the miserable sod found himself trapped into reading all my self-pity poems).

The way you wrote about your feelings is far more talented than mine were. So, there you go; at your worst moment, you exhibited a positive ability.

Smile, put on clean clothes and go out for a coffee. Look at the people enjoying life and tell yourself, "I have just as much to enjoy about life, if I let myself."

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1 vote

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pathforger (56) · 7 years ago

Thank you for your elaborate comment @arthur.grafo.

You are right. I do feed into my own sense of worthlessness. Its a succumbing of sorts.

Perhaps upon a childish level I just want to be loved or respected - but my behavior right now is worthy of neither. My 'offers' are tainted by my desperation and so the downward spiral accelerates.

I appreciate that you take the time to open my eyes to why no self-respecting studio would touch somebody such as myself. It makes sense.

I also appreciate your kind words. Take care.

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arthur.grafo (69) · 7 years ago

Why not contact coders who want to create a game - maybe they need an idea, or maybe you can evolve an idea with them. Play it cool and demand they and you sign a contract and spell out from the start what shares you will each have in the future company.

A good place is to look for young programmers in countries that do not have a strong presence in the gaming market - which means the coders in those countries have no one else to work with.

(A few countries: Cyprus; South Africa; how about Malta? Maybe countries like Rumania, Hungary etc?)

Stay away from India, China and all the Arab countries. Their style of doing business is too different.

If you find one or more and you get something going, just think, because you did it, you also helped new young talent find a road to achieving their own dreams.

Isn't it worth fighting for?

btw - my brother got involved in a company (took it over) creating characters that can respond instantly. It was used for creating a tv program. A female character would respond to questions and love and sex, giving advice. It was popular and the season was extended, but then an investor ended up costing us so much money we had to shut it down.

We even talked to the widow of Elvis, offering to create an Elvis on stage who can stand next to her and talk and sing - even new songs. Another idea, was to create something like the wax musuem, but with virtual personalities. For instance, have Hitler and people can ask him questions and he'll answer, but a full study of him would have to be made for him to become as real as possible.

A pity the idea had to die because of some crook, but that is life.

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1 vote

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fishyculture (60) · 7 years ago

No pity or wisdom, but I am responding because I recently had a similar dark epiphany... I realized that all those people I care so much about, I want them to have their liberty, I want them to know the truth about everything, I want them to love each other... they do not give a fuck about me. Which meant that all that care I spent on them was a waste of my time and energy, so I quit. I still care about people, but not enough to offer to help any more. I am SO tired of helping people who can't even spare a kind word for me, so I quit. LOTS more energy, like IMMEDIATELY on excusing myself from the burden of caring about people who don't care about me. Just sayin'...