A Post About Some Stuff - Including Depression, And The End Of SteemNotify (And Possibly The World?!!)

I've been sitting here for a couple of days trying to will myself to write something meaningful to take advantage of the payout multiplier thanks to the high price of SBD. I've always got something to say, but in my current mood I can't guarantee I'll say it in a pleasant enough way for general consumption. See, I've got depression, and I've been on a 9 month roller-coaster ride of medication swapping and trials. And the roller-coaster doesn't look like stopping anytime soon.

This week it was out with an old sedative that gave me a permanent dry mouth, terrible taste and vision blurred enough that it was hard to read at times, and in with a new sedative that has me feeling like I'm underwater. And not in the nice floaty sensation kind of way. In one month there will probably be another swap of one of my drugs. I'm starting to feel like a guinea pig.

Interestingly, though, my libido has come back (thanks for telling us that revo), and I'm feeling really politically ranty again (which in the long term isn't a good state for me to exist in). I think I'm too sedated to come up with much original to say, but I'm feeling on fire when in response mode to other people's ideas. As with all the drugs that have been my pharmacological cornucopia for the last year, there's always a host of negatives, and a random collection of positives (sometimes). In fact, it's unfortunate that the ones that have had the most beneficial effects, have also had the worst side effects.

Imagine happening upon the realisation once every few months that you appear not to be the same person to the one that inhabited your body a month or two before. Honestly, I'm not really sure which version is me, and which is altered me. I've been on anti-depressants for over 10 years now. I don't think I can really remember who I was before that time. It's a fairly disconcerting effect, and I wonder if it's a meta form of a side effect that some anti-depressants have - dissociation. The feeling of being disconnected from your "self" or identity. I'm really not sure who I am any more. In a way I don't really care, and if practising the concepts of mindfullness, it shouldn't matter. Still disconcerting, though..

Other News

In about 2 days my SteemNotify plugins and Android app will stop working. I've had to let the server contract expire as I can't afford to keep it running.

I was going to spend this week programming and finishing off my Steemtaskr app, but the depression has hit me pretty hard, so I've been walking on the beach and swimming in the ocean as much as I can. The sun and exercise are a handy tonic for depression, and getting out of this computer chair and moving is good for my fucked up spine.

That's it. I can't think of anything more to say. Will this post shower me with SBD that I can convert to thousands, nay, millions!, of steem powah? I think there's a small curation trail on me that's good for about 30 cents a post, so I think that should be something like say 20 SBD cents, which I think on current conversion rates should fetch me a little over 78,000 steem... ;)

Hang on, I forgot to add a photo. This is an artist's impression of the inside of my mind. Is that the real me at the end of the journey all the way down there? And who is that other person there with me.....?

^{Source: Me}