Something about Nothing
It's getting dark. A yellow street light pops on and illuminates parts of the sidewalk, right across my window. A man is walking his dog and looks over his shoulder. A car rolls by. There's an airplane passing the horizon, getting smaller and smaller. A roaring tube full of people all wanting to get somewhere. Maybe home, maybe anything but home. The sound has faded. What time is it? Close to midnight.
I'm sitting in front of my desk and carry my face in my palms. My eyes are closed. Blackness. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, or rather I don't know how to articulate it. It's one of those ephemeral things you carry on your tongue, but it slips your grasp. No revelation or such, really nothing special at all, but I feel like saying it anyhow. I can't. Not yet. Grass won't grow any faster when you pull on it, or so I've heard.
"Getting Comfortable with Low Opinions" Is that a decent title? Nah, I don't like it. "One of These Days I'll be Comfortable with Low Opinions". Worse. And what does that even mean? Sounds like I'm ripping off Jack Kerouac and that quote about finding the right words, or that Foo Fighters song. I never read Jack Kerouac actually. Didn't he write "The Road"? No, that was Cormac McCarthy. Him I've read.
I'm not comfortable with myself, but one of these days I might be. I figure the problem with having low opinions, doesn't matter whose, might be your own feeling of self-importance. Just be yourself, that's one of those things they like to say, but that's easier said than done. Just being yourself is one thing, but you accepting yourself is another. I'm not changing my voice, but I don't like listening to it either. Does that make sense?
A part of me wishes I was better at what I'm doing, but how could I be great if I act like I'm above being bad? Sounds like word salad, but I guess I'm thinking about that 10.000 hours to mastership idea. Maybe that's how long it takes to get comfortable with you not being anything worth a damn. One of these days I guess.
Cue the Foo Fighters!