I started journaling to keep my stress down. I like to pretend I am having a conversation with another me. I know it sounds a bit crazy, but I needed a real outlet for my current misery. My mom is driving me nuts. I am trying my best to be patient and keep myself from losing my cool, but with my health failing I just feel like I need her to try more. To continue to be independent. I wish I had the money to give her a house and make sure she had a caregiver, but the truth is she doesn't need a caregiver and no matter how many times I suggested purchasing a home she told me, "When I retire I'll buy a home with Larry." well Larry is gone and my mom was forced into retirement and is now living with me. The stress of suddenly having to take care of my mother is really getting to me in a way I never thought it would.
Since starting the journal I've found myself being more patient with my mother and talking to her more. I still have a hard time hanging out with my mother as I feel that will lead to her wanting me around more and I'm not trying to spend my thirties huddled up with my mother on the couch. I'm trying to get her to go out more with people her own age. To get in touch with her friends. I rarely hear her talk about the friends that she had while working or when I was growing up. If at all. I'm not sure what to do, but for now my journal is giving me the peace of mind to be able to focus and do what I need to do to get us out of this hole.
I've been saving to get us into a new place next year and to have my car paid off so I'm not carrying that bill with me to a new place either. If I have to move hopefully we can get her retirement benefits going and can purchase a home otherwise it's going to have to be an apartment in Van Nuys. I also need to get her a car while she can still drive. I'm sure that'll make it easier for her to get up and go visit friends and family without the burden of needing me. I genuinely feel heartbroken when my mom comes to ask me to take her somewhere when I want to lay down. I always do it, well I rarely say no.
I also began going to TacFit again. I'm going at least three times a week and hopefully soon I can get into a rhythm and start going to BJJ again. I also changed my diet and started getting real with eating a low sodium diet. I'm not just excluding salt, I'm eating more salad and staying on top of myself to make sure I eat regularly and eat less candy. I typically eat a Lunchable in the morning instead of having candy. I'm starting to see the changes in my body and I'm hoping soon I'll have the energy and the proper health to compete in August. I just have to stay consistent and keep pushing myself to improve. I feel like doing so will also set a good example for my mother to follow.
This weekend I'll get to bake so that'll be fun. I have orders for a mouse cake, blueberry muffins (vegan), and a 7-Up Cake. I might make a few extras to share and entice other orders.
Works been okay we returned to our office in Upper Lot and I was fucking up my emails, having all kinds of errors and corrections on a Monday where nothing seemed to be going right for me. I took some time to refocus and came back
Tuesday with a better mentality and more focus. I haven't messed one up since. It also so happened my partner mentioned complaints about it and he as usual realized I had already beaten myself up about it and sought to make a correction. I hate being the center of attention for good or bad. I try and just my job, but I always end up being the one chosen to do more work to ensure it gets done. That in turn overwhelms me and I am doing my best to remember to use my partner and delegate the work in a way they can lighten my load. I'm officially taking hold of that responsibility to lead when my partner is less experienced.
Well it's been fun, but it's getting late and I agreed to go into work early.
Stay safe out there and remember to tell those close to you, you love them.
Cheers,
-D'Lo