Transcript of a lost Donald Trump Podcast

Little known, Washington-insider only story for you guys here: The Trump campaign attempted to do its own Podcast. I got my hands on it, I may or may not release the audio in the future, but here is the transcript of the first segment. Trump allowed himself to be interviewed by famed journalist Nicholas Bottlebottom, it did not go well. The campaign saw how disastrous releasing the podcast would be and recommended Trump not release it. According to my sources, Trump wanted to release it anyway, but gave up when he couldn't figure out how to work iTunes and his aids refused to help him upload it, likely because they knew a Trump podcast would spell the coming of the four horsemen.

Hello everyone, welcome to the greatest podcast in the world, The official Donald Trump podcast, chronicling my path to the White House. Today we have with us journalist Nicholas Bottlebottom from the BBDBN News.io who will be interviewing me to help you, my audience, get to know the Donald a little bit before I become America's greatest President.

Nicholas, thanks for joining us, this must be a big honor for you, how are you feeling?

Great, great, thanks for having me. Do you mind if we get right into it?

Sure, no problem. I am the best interviewee. Everyone says they love my interviews, because I am the best talker.

Right, so, to start off, What do you think about the Brexit?

I love Breakfast, it is the most important meal of the day. Look for Trump Eggs, coming to a store near you.

Uh, sorry, I meant the Br-Exit, the United Kingdom's recent vote to leave the European Union?

Why didn't you just say that then?

Look, the English love me. They know I'm all about business and I bring a tremendous number of jobs to the England and the Ireland and the whole thing.

If the English want to leave the EU, when I'm President, I'll let them become the 51st state of America. It makes perfect sense. We both speak the same language, so it makes sense there.

If they want us to put a new star on the Flag for them though, they will have to change a few things. They need to do is get rid of all those pansy words. We can't have the Russians thinking we are pussies who say words like “The Telly.” They need to cut out that tea and crumpet shit. I don't know what a crumpet is, but I know no real man has ever eaten one. Putin never ate one and that is why he can ride a horse with no shirt on.

I just want to point out Mr. Trump that the country isn't called England, it is called the United Kingdom or specifically Britain. But more importantly, are you suggesting that Britain become part of the United States?

Well, I said England, and there is a reason for that. I think the English are great people, besides how they talk, they bring a lot of skills that would add a lot to America. What I don't want, and I am trying to figure out the least offensive way to say this, but what I don't want is any of those Skirt wearing faggots in our country.

I'm sorry, did you just say 'skirt wearing faggots?' Don't you think that will be offensive to the Irish, Scottish and LGBT community?

I would never say that. You are twisting my word around now. I would never use that word. The Gays love me. I'm the only one who stood up for them after Orlando, so now I'm a practically a saint among the gay community. And I love the Gays too. Not in that way, like, I don't want to put my little Trump into their bedazzled asses or anything, you understand. But they are good for business. They have their little parades and I'm heavily invested in a rainbow streamers company and of course they love my Trump Condoms. Those are made for straight men, but the gays love them too and I'm okay with that. Stops the AIDS.

As for the Irish, Scottish whatever. Look, I'm sure some of them are nice people. But we need workers here, not drunks. I never drink unless it is my super premium Vodka. Which, by the way, I am renaming Trumpka. It is great, even the Russians love it, Putin loves it, I'm sure I can get him to give us Ukraine if I give him a few bottles of Trumpka.

We can't have drunk men prancing around in skirts playing those pipe bag instruments all day, if that happens, the Muslims will take right over. If England becomes the 51st state, Mexico isn't the only border I'll be building a wall on, I'll tell you that right now.

You did say “faggot” sir, just a moment ago.

What is wrong with you? I just said I would never say that word. The Gays love me.

[Long sigh] Okay, let's move on. You mentioned Orlando, what do you think the United States' response should be to this tragedy?

I've spent a lot of time talking about this already. Wasn't my Twitter account clear enough for you? Look, we need to stop the Muslims. We need to stop ISIS. When I am President, we will go to the Islamic state, and shoot up their Gay clubs. It is an eye for an eye. They shoot our Gay club, we shoot up ten of their gay clubs. Problem solved.

I don't think they have any gay clubs in the Islamic state.

Look, we need to do something to punish ISIS, and if we have to kill all of their Gays to do it, then that is what we will have to do, they can not go unpunished. Obama won't commit to killing ISIS' gays because he sympathizes with them, it sounds like you might sympathize with them too, and I'm telling you, that is dangerous. We cannot take ISIS lightly, they killed our Gays, we have to kill their gays right back. We cannot just ignore this attack or they will kill all of our gays and then who will be our interior decorators?

[under breath]I don't even know. . . Okay let's change the subject. One of Obama's first acts in office was lessening our nuclear arsenal, do you agree with that decision and what are your plans with America's Nuclear Arsenal?

Don't get smart with me. I'll fire you. I'll fire you like I'm going to fire that bitch Hillary Clinton. You understand me? I can fire anyone in this country, especially once I am President, so you better watch yourself. I'll have your head bobbing on my crotch like you're the governor of New Jersey, you understand me?

About the Nukes, well, if I have learned anything from business , it is that you don't let assets depreciate and you definitely don't destroy them, unless you have really good insurance.

Obama wasted the taxpayer's money by destroying those nuclear weapons when he could have sold them. There are dozens of countries that would have paid us a fortune for those bombs, and Obama just got rid of them, but I can't blame him, the Kenyans don't understand business. That is why Africa is so poor.

But for the nukes we have left, those are just depreciating right now. Sitting unused, getting less effective every day. America needs to shit or get off the pot with its nukes. I suggest we use them.

[alarmed] Use them? How? On Who?

A good exercise in business is to consider all of your options. What I will do, not just me but my cabinet too, we will list all of the world's countries from best, obviously America will be number 1, to the worst which will probably be one of those middle eastern countries or maybe Korea, not the good Korea though, the bad one. Which one is that again? South Korea?

What do you mean?

What’s the Korea with the crazy guy that we don't like? The guy who wears that green suit that makes him look like an overweight greenbean?

I think you mean North Korea.

Yeah, whatever, they might be on the bottom of the list. Anyway, we will make the list and the bottom five or ten countries, we tell them to shape up their act or we get rid of some of our depreciating nuclear assets on them. Basic business. We win either way.

I'm sorry but that is insane. You can't be serious about dropping nuclear bombs on five to ten countries, that is the most dangerous thing any presidential candidate has ever said!

Yeah, I am a very dangerous man and some people are scared of me, mostly pussies and politicians. But you calling me insane is very offensive and I warned you, so I'm going to have to say, Nick, that You're Fired! Get out of my office, You're Fired.

I don't work for you, you can't fire me.

Look, Nick, I'm going to press this little red button and then two very big men are going to make you leave and it is not going to be pleasant. You will wish all I did was say “you’re fired”

Are you threatening me with violence?

I never use violence Nick, look at these beautiful hands, I take good care of them, I can't get blood on them. I'm just saying get the fuck out of my sight before something horrible happens to you.

Okay, okay I'm going.

Good, get out of here.

[few second pause]

Hey Nick!

[from off mic, probably across the room] What?

Do you think my hands are too small? Like Ted Cruz said?

Your hands are fine Donald, goodbye.

Sorry about that folks. Well, thanks for joining me on the first ever Donald Trump Podcast, chronicling my path to the White House. Don't forget, if you are not voting for me in November, I'm going to fire you in January. And Hillary? I’m coming for you. It won’t be long until you hear 'You're Fired.'