First Date, and He Turns Out to be A Douche Bag.

We've all been there. You've text, maybe sent some e-mails, swapped pictures. Even speaking on the phone a few times. He seems like a great guy on paper. At least, he presents himself like a good guy.

He has some fun hobbies, has similar taste in movies and doesn't even mind that I have kids. He used to be a snowboarding instructor at Spirit Mountain. Oh yeah, and he works at Petco. Dude works with animals all day. Score a point for compasionate dude!

But what do you do when it's time to meet the guy, he shows up and... The dog disapproves. Hiro hates him on site.

I had plenty of male friends over to help us move in and Hiro loved them. In fact, he loves my BFF a little too much if you know what I mean. ;)

Hiro barked and snarled and promptly peed on the dude.

I'll give him points for perserverence, he did not immediately turn around and leave. He stood there, leg soaked in dog piss and came in anyway.

I sprayed vinegar on him to help with the smell, apologized profusely and put the dog into the bedroom. Mistake. I have an over inflated sense of safety with Hiro around. I trust him implicitely. And I wasn't listening. He told me the guy was a douche bag the moment he walked in the door.

Then Mr. Nice Guy disappeared. It was unwanted kisses and awful questions that no decent man should ask someone they're meeting for the first time.

Douche Bag symptoms:

1. He told me the story of how he lost his virginity, taking the opportunity to praise his own sexual prowess.

2. He asked me about sexual positions, telling me he preffers to be on the bottom and would never do Doggie because he is not a dog.

3. He made faces and motions with his hands and pelvis to show me how he would be fucking me. We. Just. Met. For the first. Time.

4. He wanted to know if I'm "loud". I didn't even understand what he was talking about at first. And couls feel myself blush HARD as I stammered about not knowing him enough to answer. He pressed more for an answer, of course.

5. Ignoring attempts to steer conversation back to more acceptable topics. Like, can you stop talking about sex for two minutes maybe?!

6. Ignoring me flat out telling him his questions were too personal and made me uncomfortable. Bro, stop! #nomeansno

7. Telling me I will "have to get used to" his "sexual jokes" that he tells all the time. No, no I don't.

8. Grabbing my breasts and ass. Guy. We are still strangers at this point. Fuck off and jump off a bridge. #metoo

I am so livid. I told him I am not interested in the date he was trying to set up. He's trying to invite me to his house for sex.

At no point did I ever hint or state or allude to wanting sex. Or wanting to be touched.

Oh yes. He also claimed me as being "in a relationship" with him on Facebook. WE JUST FUCKING MET!!!

Fast forward to yesterday. The day after everything went down. I was at work during the day and immediately after some family was hanging out as they had just gotten into town. Hella busy. No time to play games with douche bags. But this guy...

That's 7 text messages, 4 missed phone calls and 6 facebook messages. #overcontrollingdouche

All talking about the "date" ahead. Or asking about my day. Or whining that I'm ignoring him.

Can you imagine what a guy like this will do to a woman that accepts him? Just smarmy and gross. I sent him a lengthy reply calling him out for his shit, reiterating my disinterest and wishing him well. Hopefully my little note makes him realize what a douche he really is. Doubt it, though.

Watch out ladies. Some guys are absolute pigs, dressing up as one of the good guys.

Thank you for reading my ordeal. No more will I ever ignore Hiro's warning. #goodjudgeofcharacter