Rise and Demise of Opi Album Artwork progression
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This is so good! I especially love the faces and the coloring. It goes very well with the meaning behind this album (at least as far as I can tell from the title). :)
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Thank you ! You'd think it'd be easy to choose objects to draw to represent good and evil but lol I definitely struggled :p
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Have you ever done a shadow face drawing?! Theyre incredibky easy. Tracing the shadows on the face an coloring em in to form a super realistic portrait (: realistic in comparison to what I can usually do at least :p
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No actually I haven't done this because I figured it is super hard to do. I struggle a lot when it comes to drawing humans and faces, I just can't get it right :D but I propably should try something like that, maybe afterwards I understand the shape of a face and where the shadows fall a little better :)
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It's incredibly easy, you can take any black and white photo and trace over the shapes of each shadow on a thin piece of paper. It'll look weird at first but when you color it in it's like magic.
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I personally love drawing faces, but theyre more cartooney than anything. As realistic as I try to make it I'm not so good at shading and such. I'm a really impatient person lol but when I draw or doodle, its usually a quick self portrait displaying how I feel. It's practically the only thing I ever draw without request haha
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I always draw trees when I am doodling and it depends on my mood how I draw them. So this is kind of similar :D
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This is really good stuff and reminds me a lot of the street art I saw when I was a kid in the early 1970's. That being said I have come to understand in the later years of my life that addiction often is just a coping mechanism for those who cannot shield well from the mad world we live in.
Now with some addictions it is different than with others (not because they are worse but because they write a permanent body response - example alcoholism) but for me the minute I realised that I would dose myself to endure certain social situations my addiction phase was over. I literally could do a few lines of powder nowadays and walk away and not do it for years after; been there done that and it was not something I was able to do before I learned to cut out the situations that would permeate my membrane. I am literally straight edge now not because I have to but because it just fits right now. I might or might not in future smoke something, make brownies, have some vegan baileys or even do a line or throw a pill but I no longer need it.
So my question is what is it that you and your brother are allowing in your life that makes medicating it away necessary... just food for thought
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I think we just fucked up our own heads trying to deal with our dad. We had to use the buddy system as kids just to get food because he was such a hot head. From the time we were 13, we were using drugs to deal with pain or stress and we continued to use drugs for that reason up until recently. We've got alot of fucked up memories and I personally have alot of different mental issues along with fibro so I hurt all the time... I think we use drugs because we never learned how to deal with things without them. When I stopped taking xanax, everything thats ever happened to me since 13 came flooding back. All the darkest corners of my mind came to the front lines and I've been learning how to handle it ever since. I think my brother has similar issues although he has a harder time leaving drugs alone when he wants to. I can walk away no problem when I want to. Sometimes I just don't. :p I started popping pills because I wanted to forget. I'd been raped at a high school party and was facing the same issues over and over again. It was easier to forget back then, but now all I do is remember.
I've got two older brothers, one younger and we all have had drug problems. We all have PTSD and anxiety from my dad and depression I imagine was just passed down from my mom... After a long stretch of my brothers and I abusing drugs, my mom started losing her mind. She forgot where she was or where she was going. She was a mess and it broke my heart. I got sober when I met Aaron and stayed sober because I didn't want her to have to worry about all of us. We can't ALL be addicts at once without destroying her.
I've always kind of resented my brothers for doing drugs because I think I'm more deserving. They haven't gone through half of what I have and I've got fibromyalgia so everything hurts all the time. I feel like I'm coming off heroin every single day. Why the fuck should they get to get high when I'm barely hanging on?
But you can't compare your struggle to anyone else's I guess. Everyone deals with things differently but my mind AND body are broken so I think I'm entitled to a little pill of comfort once in a while.
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First of all men have a lower pain threshold both mental and physical never forget that, so try not to resent them for that. That being said a childhood like that can do that to you with me it was my mother. If you ever saw the movie mommy dearest you had my mother in a nutshell only difference as I always say is that I got to keep the presents.
I am bipolar with low grade OCD. I was raped in boarding school at 7 I coped with it semi ok until my mother found out 3 years later and made it super ugly and humiliating to the point that it birthed the first of many eating disorders. With 17 an old man I was hitchhiking with forced me to give him a hand job , with 18 my daughters father who was 20 years my senior drugged me and decided it would be a good thing to date rape me and inpregnate me. the second day after I had a dream about my daughter and decided to keep her because it was not her fault. Then came a ton of crazy things from being shot with an arrow by my ex girlfriend , to transporting papers for some unsavory people, to creating art and music and traveling, and always drama with my mom major traumatic shit.
In 2000 my daughter had a stroke at the age of 12 . she spent almost 2 years in the hospital and in rehab the first year I slept on the floor, in rehab I traveled 3 hours a day to spend time with her and slept in the woods on weekends so I would not have to abandon my dog and could be with her at the same time , all while battling with my mother who decided I need her to make my life a living hell on top of it all.
After visa issues and more trouble with my mother I decided to flee to the U.S because I was tired and worn down and this man promised he would take care of me. The end of that story was him locking me in a room with a broken leg for 3 months. From that I have PTSD and memory loss I am missing almost the entire 3 years I was with him and my brain decided to erase a good chunk of my childhood as bonus.
My health condition comes with chronic pain most nerve pain and if I am very lucky a maddening phantom itch that brings me to the edge of killing myself when it happens- so I know exactly what you are going through. It is also affecting my ability to walk 99% of the nerves in my legs are dead, it's affecting my breathing and swallowing , it is taking my voice and is affecting my hands now. there are clear studies that show that early childhood trauma can actually trigger illnesses like you and I have btw.
As for drugs I started taking drugs in defiance to my mother I had friends who drank and took drugs except for one incident with strawberry champagne I never did shit until I was 15. And then I did it because I would come home and she would accuse me -the only sober kid on parties of being drunk and being on drugs because i would finally stand up for myself. After one too many beatings for being "on drugs" i thought if I am getting punished for it then why not do it. Fun fact when I was on drugs she thought I was sober :P
Another fun fact I once faked being on heroin and going through withdrawal just to get her to shut up for once ... another fun fact a 3 years later I was on heroin ... It is easier to list the drugs I have not taken in my life then those that I have as the list is shorter. I tried everything to destroy myself until i realised why I was doing it and that she was not worth it. I stopped taking drugs at 23 (save for pot and the occasional pill ).
I was you and I tell you this you are only broken if you say you are and let what was done to you define you. Are you shiny new - nope, unblemished - nope will you ever be 100% rid of the things you have seen or done - nope. But there is real life after all that and happiness if you let yourself be . Yes the demons will kreep up and you will fall into that dark black hole torturing you with the past and the what if's. So let yourself cry tough it out and get back up again and as the Bukowski poem says the more you do it the easier it gets. I my love am you 30 years in the future with one difference you mastred love where I did not. You are not broken you are just battleground of angels and demons alike own it ! You can do this <3
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Wow. It's crazy how much we have in common that's so trippy. I'm also bipolar with borderline personality disorder i guess? I always refuse the mood disorder diagnosis cuz I won't get anxiety meds and it makes me feel crazy.
I have seen mother dearest and that sounds like a complete nightmare. At least you didnt end up in prison like the little girl did. A+ for self control. I can't stand the idea of a child confiding in her mother, telling her about the abuse and being declared a liar or blowing up the whole thing, thats so emotionally scarring. I cant even imagine the vile things she said that pushed you towards an eating disorder.
My dad's mom, my grandmother, is a total snob obsessed with self image... Well the image of others more so. She doesn't care about her own but everytime I see her since I was a little kid, shes had something to say about my weight. She'd compare me to my skinny cousins all the time and I ended up with a major complex and low self esteem I still carry. I got down to 103 (I'm 5'5) and I was so excited to be able to have a visit with her without being called fat or ugly, and the moment I sat down she told me I looked sick and started shoving food down my throat. You just can't win with some people. But starving became an addiction in itself and it tends to be my go to drug. Weighing myself becomes a romance.
I can't even imagine being shot with an arrow let alone being locked in a bathroom for 3 months holy fuck you've overcome so much. I forgot alot about the abusive relationship I was in for a couple years. When I finally remembered, it was only because I'd written it down shortly after it happened.
You're everything I've always strived to be. Wise and experienced in most areas of life. Unfortunately alot of them are dark and full of misery but I guess wisdom is born through misery in a way. I think I can even agree, the list of drugs I have yet to try is nearly nonexistant. PCP, Meth and Heroin. I've tried everything else along with a long list of designer drugs. I used to have a bucket list dedicated to drugs lol I always said it was a psychology experiment... Researching the alteration of ones mind. It was partly true but became just a really sophisticated excuse to be an addict.
I did something similar to your story with my dad. He'd go off on me about school, so I'd do drugs to tolerate being at home, then I ran away and quit school to prove a point. To prove I was my own person with my own choices and that I didn't need a piece of paper to show my intelligence. I wanted to prove I could get somewhere without all the bullshit they say we need. (Diploma, degree, etc)
I didn't expect to be diagnosed with fibromyalgia at 20 years old. I think thats the worst part about it. My mom was diagnosed with it after I was born. My birth triggered it in her; but for me, I've wondered what the trigger was for a long time. Sometimes I wonder if it's from all the drugs I've abused... Maybe I huffed too much Duster.
Doctors actually laugh at me when I tell them I have fibromyalgia. They mock an say "self diagnosed?" Meanwhile I'm holding back tears contemplating suicide thinking how fucking dare you?
What illness do you have, if you dont mind me asking? And when were you diagnosed?The only silver lining I see is that fibromyalgia doesnt damage anything but... I sometimes wish I'd been diagnosed with something fatal. At least then I'd have an outdate. Because it feels like I'm battling cancer and everyone thinks its bulllshit and I'm just whiney. I wish the pain showed so I wouldn't feel so guilty about being exhausted all the time.
I don't know how you've made it so far. I always thought I'd die before I was old enough for any of my actions to catch up to me but here I am; mad about it. And that was before the fibro. It's hard to move on and put it in the back of your mind when youre constantly reminded by your throbbing joints and heavy head. I'm terrified of what's ahead. I can't imagine I'll make it far but maybe I'll figure it out sooner than later. You have a much better outlook on life than I do and from how it sounds, youre in a hell of alot more pain than I am. I find that extraordinary. All I wanna do is curl up in a ball and cry for the rest of my life, maybe binge out on xanax... While you and most eveyone else just keep on keeping on. Its amazing and so admirable. I want that.
Where did you move to the U.S from? Did you stay once you got away from that sack of shit? And you have a daughter, even suffering with bipolar disorder, you went through hell just to stay by her through all that time <3
I'm always worrying about having kids and abandoning them during some manic episode... At the same time, everything I've experienced was for lessons to teach my kids. I'll bet you make an amazing mom and your daughter is wise beyond her years because of you.
A battleground of angels and demons. Describes me perfectly. Always teetering on the edge of good and evil.
Thank you for sharing so much of your story with me. You have no idea how much it means to know someone who ACTUALLY knows what its like.. Everything combined, you've been through everything I have and more and you're still going. That's so unbelievably settling I can't even express it.
I say it again, I'm very happy to have met you, I truly believe that everything is for a reason and I have a feeling I'm gonna grow alot just following and reading your posts. You're already rewiring my mind bit by bit. The world can be a prison or it can be a playground. I suppose it's all in perspective (:
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My relationship to my daughter is complicated in some ways I was a stellar mom in other ways horrible because I was too young and dealing with my trauma. And i have the bad days trust me and deep dark depression hole where i take care of the animals then slink to my bed and just feel sorry for myself. The trick to making it this far is -
surviving, you just find more of your groove the older you get I was a total mess at your age, insecure , lost , hurting and searching. Things find their way. And yes I left ass hat years ago. My diagnosis is Hereditary Neuropathy. It took them ages to find out what it was. As for school i went back to school at 41 got myself 3 degrees and it was the stupidest thing I ever did -LOL 4.0 GPA never opened a book and what for for a piece of paper and over 100000 in debt. Degrees are only useful if you are required to have one for a job. Otherwise just learn everything you want to know yourself. Be kinder to yourself, learn to refine your instincts. You cannot change the past so focus on your future one day and on hard days one hour at a time. <3
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That's kind of how I expect my relationship with my future kids will be... My mom and I got significantly closer when I was diagnosed with Fibro. It being hereditery and all, she has it too along with similar mental issues. Since being diagnosed, ive gained so much respect for my mother. She's so strong. With the amount of pain I'm in on a nearly daily basis, I can't even imagine how it would be chasing around 4 little kids. I'm sure she'll soon start seeing things from your eyes. I know I did shortly after reaching adulthood. Seeing my friends raise their kids, and wondering how I'd handle certain situations. When I became an adult, the relationship with my parents changed drastically because I could finally look at things from their angle.
I just read up a bit about your condition. I can't even imagine how frustrating and painful that feels. Losing sensations and losing your ability to walk. You've gotta be rolling your eyes at me as I complain; my pain doesn't even compare. It's amazing that you've been able to climb out of every hole you've dug, the same hole of depression I seem to be constantly stuck in. I'd stay in bed forever if my guilt didn't drag me out.
I have the same view on college degrees. I don't want to spend the rest of my life paying off debt for a degree I earned for a job I never find. So many people get degrees now only to find theres no work because there's so much competition.
My mom always says the same thing. "Take it one day at a time..
Or one hour at a time. Whichever seems easiest."
If youre not living in the past, youre living in the future, and when I look forward, I rarely see anything. I think I'd rather live in the moment and stop stressing over what ifs all the time. It's so much easier said than done. I wish I could sleep until everything becomes simple haha
I always try to think of life as 70 years of learning as many lessons as possible so that my next life is easier; this way I approach most shitty situations with a smile. I've just gotta figure out how to do that with the fibro. I better feel high as a kite in my next life though or I swear to god LOL
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Pain is pain, suffering is suffering and nerve pain is the worst. have you tried using a tense unit when the pain gets to bad ? it can make it a bit easier it's sort of like white noise canceling out a tinus ....it works sometimes for me .. not always ...
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I've actually never heard of a tense unit, I'll have to look into it! I've avoided medication because they only want to give me antidepressants and those make me crazy af. Muscle relaxers have helped. I'd like to workout more, eat healthier because I know that directly effects the flare ups. It's just hard when youre stuck in bed. I'll definitely look into it, maybe even try heating pads like my mom does. Thank you for the suggestion I hope it works for me (:
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That looks awesome :-) Like true art, it speaks many words according to whoever looks upon it.
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Thank you! (:
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