Just a few more days...

Then I go to visit the dentist. I have a strong sense of dread, like many people when it comes to dentistry. People in coats, with perfect teeth (that's part of the ordeal) - it's like fat shaming, but tooth shaming, by virtue of their teeth being better than yours (I guess that's envy?) - who put metal instruments in your mouth and tell you that you're "doing great".

The mouth, the tongue, the lips, the teeth, the gums - these are my ultimate personal space, and allowing a stranger to examine, criticise, and ultimately repair these things requires such an incredible bond of trust in the years of professional training that you hope they've had!

If this seems rambling, deeply personal, and not the sort of content you're used to from me - well, that's because it isn't my usual content. A bearded, heavy set man can have vulnerabilities, and to me, going to the dentist is pretty high on that list.

It isn't a terrifying experience, as such, or a terrific one either - it is a discomforting, uncomfortable experience.

We try to avoid discomfort in our everyday lives - and I'm going to willingly subject myself to it not once, but twice this week, as I have my first appointment to clean out the horrible neglect that I've managed to supply my teeth with, followed by the beginnings of seven fillings.

I suppose that's not too bad for a man three decades old; with a single tooth missing; and one who hasn't been to the dentist on more occasions than there are fingers on a single hand.

At least I have pretty decent health insurance, and that will cover the bulk of the costs - but what I am not readily prepared for is the mental cost, the anxiety; and the shot of adrenaline mixed in with the anaesthetic to ensure I don't feel anything but reverberations of the various tools and instruments as they penetrate through the anaesthesia and into my jaw.

I tend to "hold" my stress in my upper back - and that's what I clench when I'm anxious - so I can foresee a few sleepless nights leading up into this first appointment.

The other half of me wants to get this all over and done with in one sitting - so I don't have to subject myself to it again - for a long time (well, at least the six months between hygienist visits) - but instead, I'll have 2 hours in the chair this week, then wait a month before having the final work completed.

I'll still be coming to monthly Steem meet up a the Jade - however, for reasons outlined above, I may be more sullen, and less outspoken than usual.