On writing (And other Drugs)

One of the principal drawbacks to being spun off your face on crystal meth is that you can’t ever seem to focus on what you are writing and more often than not, find yourself going on literary expeditions into the unknown. You set out to write a simple poem but end up with a full length novel. A badly worded, incoherent, rambling, Mongolian clusterfuck of a novel. One that nobody in their right mind would even begin to think of reading, even if it were the only book to be found in a maximum security correctional institution on 24/7 lock-down and offered with sedatives and grape juice. It’s not really a question of whether or not you actually have a coherent thought to convey. In fact in my experience, I’ve found it to be the complete and total opposite. I have too goddamned much to say, most of which is certifiable insanity or at the very least, certifiable clinical depression. Throw some speed, paranoid hallucinations, sleep deprivation, and devil worship into the mix and suddenly the writing process becomes exponentially more complicated. For some…it has even proven to be quite deadly, which is why such a venture is ill-advised being attempted by ANYONE save for writers and historians of the strictest professional and ethical caliber. It is strongly recommended by the authorities that all precautionary procedures and regulatory regulations are adhered to and that you ALWAYS use protection. Those who fail to do so, do so at their own peril. Also, you may be fined upwards of fifty bucks or so, depending on a handful of factors that I am not at liberty to discuss in a public setting. (For billing information and instruction please contact the primary contributor to this WordPress page.)

So you want to say something, and you would very much like to say this thing whilst in the depths of a days long amphetamine fueled adventure into the deepest, darkest, chewiest parts of the human soul, where the fabled beasts known as Creativity and Inspiration are thought to dwell in their much-needed downtime. You’ve done your research on the matter and you know that your very life and mental well-being are in danger should you choose to continue forward with this quest. You’ve packed your bags and booked your seating at least a month in advance. All oaths, chants, and incantations have been committed firmly to memory, along with your social security number and birth date. You’ve read the warning labels.

At this point, some readers may be shouting very enthusiastically at their computer or phone screens, “Hey, Minzie! I’ve done all that other shit! When do I get to the writing? I mean, isn’t that why they call it WRITING???”

To you I say, stop shouting at your screen. I can’t hear you.

Some of the more daring readers may already have a needle filled with the “purest” speed money can buy from a desperate male prostitute at 3 AM, and are tapping their best least used vein as they read this. There may even be one or two among them who is already several days and a payday loan deep into a binge, with any hope for a meaningful or fulfilled life fading into awful obscurity with the passing of each agonizing hour.

To YOU I say, congratulations on somehow finding your way to this humble blog and reading this far despite the relentless barrage of pornographic search queries you are no doubt in the process of mercilessly unleashing upon Google’s servers as we speak. Carry on.

Some readers may be scratching their heads, perplexed as to exactly how there is any correlation between “speed” and “desperate male prostitutes.” Furthermore, why, and HOW, have these unfortunate souls come to be so hopelessly ensnared by the illicit drug trade in modern-day America? Didn’t they get a pamphlet or something?

To you I say, I am wondering the same thing to be perfectly honest with you. At present time, all of my queries and appeals have gone unanswered. This injustice will not stand. It CANNOT stand. SOLIDARITY.

Some readers may find themselves in a bit of a conundrum because they have gone through life thus far without habitually abusing amphetamines, or any substances not prescribed by a licensed and good Christian doctor for that matter. You may be asking yourself if writing was really a good move in respect to your 5-year plan and responsibility to your family and loved ones. Maybe you feel a little overwhelmed by it all and need more time to mull everything over. Did you lock the front door on your way to work this morning?

To you I say, nothing further without my legal team present.

Some of you staring mystified at your screens may not comprehend anything written in the English language.

To you I say, keep trying. You’ll get there.

And so on and so forth.

The final piece to this puzzle requires that you have at least one semi-operational appendage among your personal inventory. Preferably a hand, preferably your own. Under ideal circumstances one may find as many as TWO hands and ten digits at their fingertips. Consider these an extension of your own body and wield them accordingly. Don’t be afraid to use a little elbow-grease. After assessing whether or not you have hands, you are ready for the final piece to this puzzle. This requires that you posses an unwavering sense of dedication to walk the path of a mentally unstable writer with some serious chemical dependence issues, and the unshakable volition to go for days, weeks, months, even YEARS at a time, without writing or typing a single original thought or coherent sentence. You must devote yourself within and without to this most sacred undertaking once it has begun. If you stumble or give way to any second thoughts or misgivings, the consequences will be most dire. You will be CURSED! You will find yourself bound by the oppressive shackles of financial stability and forced into a life of subservience as a happy and useful member of society until the day you draw your last content breath. Do not waver, for you are truly God’s chosen disciple.

Ever forward, ever onward Brave One! Follow the instructions I have so thoughtfully and lovingly shared with YOU and small portions of what is ultimately MOST of the rest of humanity in this easy to read step by step instruction manual! YOU, are the future of this great world! Now go forth! Your revenge is at hand!