Entropy

Full disclaimer, these posts are probably for my own benefit more than anyone else's. Sometimes I just need to spew the nonsense out of my head and it seems significant if there is a chance that someone might read my words. Very much like a catharsis, and therapy session for me.

That being said, damn have I been feeling awkward as fuck. The confusion that has resulted from a decision made while judgement was impaired. You know those couples who are on again off again to the point that you are not even sure how many times they have broken up?
I'm not even sure how many times I've broken it off to be totally honest, but every time I see this man, I inevitably find myself caught in his web. In that moment, all the memories of how he did me wrong and the way he behaves and treats myself and others with unwavering narcissistic inclinations simply fade into the distance. His megalomania forgotten for a brief instance while I stand like a mammal minutes away from my bloody carnivorous death. That is what it's like. I do my very best to avoid such situations knowing how it will inevitably end. Our bodies converging into a slippery sweaty mess on and under cotton, pillows thrown haphazardly on the floor, tongues colliding and nasty words escaping lips between sucking air and sucking face.

I just don't understand how he does it. Then we start to hang out again because I fall under some carnal spell and think maybe I do know what it means to love. Something I've wondered about my entire life. That lasts for maybe 4 days and I remember why I dumped him. His raging alcoholism, the way no one can get a word in edgewise, maneuvering his tendency towards
one-up-manship that makes you wonder if he is trying to one up himself. The defensiveness that prevents him from being able handle when you tell him so. And the way he is always subtly putting you down, with such crafty passive aggressive fronts that you think he should rent a booth at a fair and sell his wordy wares.

And the objectification. You can't have passion, chemistry and connection this way unless there is some type of objectification going on. I mean, I guess I wouldn't know, but I've tried to find it outside of him and it is elusive indeed. It's almost like you need dysfunction to create sex this good, which makes it that much harder to resist. I know my weakness, which is why I try to avoid this man like the plague, because he has that power over me. It is not something I've ever experienced in my life, with the exception of the fucked up fantasies I used to have about my abuser. I couldn't get off unless I imagined him violating me the way he did before he went to prison. It would take a matter of minutes before I reached climax just thinking about all the disgusting scenarios he put me through as a child, but I can't orgasm with most men, except this one. The worst one for me.

And now I have extra drama to sort through, as if life isn't hard enough as a single independent woman trying to find relevance and a place in a world where roles have been distorted and value oscillates between function and form. I was on such a role before we bumped into each other. I was exploring what it meant to be single in one of the most unique times and places in human history, where a woman is permitted semblance of control over her personhood. I was meeting such inspiring people and evolving onto some next level shit.

I'm not blaming him, I am disgusted with myself and I know this is part of the problem. I learned within the last few years that accountability is the path to true freedom in life and unless I engage in taking full responsibility for my life, I will never move forward. It is just really difficult for me to find space from the toxic conditioning and what makes me feel like a slave to something out of my control. I know that I need help, and I need to reprogram myself, I just don't know where to find it.