The Power of Prayer Part 1: Reflection of the Dark Night of my Soul

I remember four years ago when I was an entirely different being. I ate meat, was an member in a fraternity, wanted to become a pharmacist, and attended classes at the University of Toledo. My mind state for college was pretty "standard": live it up on the weekends, perform well at school, and try to have that unforgettable college experience that I heard others mention". College was supposed to take you outside your comfort zone and help mold you into the hard-working individual. My dreams of being a pharmacist centered around the idea that I would make a lot of money and succeed. At this point, success meant being able to have a lot of money so I could retire early and I could support my parents, to truly return the embodiment of their parenting.

Eventually, in between my class and party time, I started to come across subjects I never heard of in school such as structured water, alternative medicine, and fluoridated water. Fascination and amazement fueled my curiosity as I invested more of my time researching subjects that would lead me down a rabbit hole filled with conspiracies, misinformation, disinformation, repressed technology, government programs, and even aliens. As a kid, I was always interested into the paranormal but this was a new level of insanity. One of the first life-changing videos I witnessed was the late Ted Gunderson, former decorated FBI special agent-in-charge, who described how Satanism permeated the upper echelons of society and said other events such as 9/11 or the Oklahoma Bombings were orchestrated by the federal government. A ex-FBI official threw away his career based on this information and a lot of sources correlate the fact that he was smeared, which struck me as inconceivable. I won't go on about the information I kept finding (it would be waayy too long) but this shook my beliefs to the core. I started to question my behaviors and ethics endlessly. ,"Do I party or go to school because this is what I personally want or because I was programmed to do so at an early age? Why is money my main concern? If it is to be comfortable, what will happen when I'm comfortable? Boredom? Worse yet, if I did become a pharmacist, would I actually be helping individuals or hurting them?"

These questions constantly berated me over the next few months of my second semester of school. My party behavior worsened; I started to use "hard drugs" more, I started to sell them, and I started skipping classes. My reality was being questioned and I had no response. I consider myself logical, and I could not logically defeat some of the knowledge and theories that I had begun to explore. My soul felt like it was being strained, my purpose was turning to ash, and my heart weeped for issues such as the heavy medication of our children or American use of cancer-causing materials in food or cosmetics. This emotional distress kept snowballing, until I felt like I had no purpose. I showed up to parties, but I always made my way to the "drug room" and stayed there with a few friends/users. Drugs such as coke and molly were the only way to momentarily forget about my emotional distress and focus on connecting with others. It helped me create a facade, to "chameleon " myself in with this group of people and interact as if I was just another college kid having fun. However, when the drugs wore off, I felt like my distress and emotional baggage would increase prompting me to start using drugs frequently throughout the week.

During this period, I randomly came across a Native American Church that practiced alternative medicines such as hot and cold therapy, micro-current, light and infrared therapies, as well as neurofeedback. I was astounded by discovering such a place, the only reason I went in there was because my buddy bet me $10 (when we were leaving a vitamin shop next door) that I could not get a cute girl's number that was working inside (I did). But I was more fascinated with the technology that this facility contained, this was not just herbology, homeopathy, or intention, this was combination of all that and cutting edge technology with hundreds of peer-reviewed studies backing these technological toys. Although everyone there was friendly and supportive, I still had a hard time opening myself up and connecting with others due to the emotional and behavioral flaws that I saw within myself. It is almost as if I felt like I did not deserve to be in the company of "good" individuals, I did not want to burden them with my problems or the heavy onus of getting to know me. "Who wants to be friends with someone that could barely make it through a day?", I thought. I visited this place frequently but kept my guard up. The people there were heavily into issues such as conspiracies and aliens so I could talk for hours quite easily now that I had people who were well-versed in similar type of information.

During the summer after my second semester, I was at my lowest, I had no motivation to fight against the "war on humanity" that was constantly around us. Every prescription, product, pesticide-laced food, or program on the television would disgust me to the point where I felt alone. Knowledge is power, but it can also take away power as well. So alone, I could not imagine anyone around me to understand the enormity of transgressions on our health, security, and privacy that happens within a daily basis. My mind grew darker while my body grew weaker. Every meal that I ate, I felt like I was forcing my body to consume some sort of poison. I started to wish I could live in bliss, ignorant of these issues but the knowledge had already consumed my logical mind. This all came to climax sometime around early July. I had learned that I failed a drug test (cannabis) for a pharmacy job that my mom set up (which made both of us look bad). I could not believe what a failure I was turning into, and my grades reflected my poor emotional health. I eventually realized that this was a pivotal point: I still had OK grades thanks to the first semester but did I want to become a pharmacist? I fought with this question until a couple days later, I dropped some acid with friends. I did not eat beforehand which would come back to haunt me.

I remember feeling the connection between everything and the amazing beauty that surrounds us at all times. Unfortunately, it did not take long for my questions surrounding my future career to return which started to make my trip go south. I had the terrible idea of using molly to help with the trip and I started a two day drug binge that helped shape who I am today. Midway through the first day (I stayed up all night), my stomach started to ache something fierce. I realized that I did not consume food in over a 24 hour period but I did not think much of it as I have done that before. After a hour, the ache turned into a engulfing torrent of pain. I made my way to the basement to not disturb the party upstairs and started to throw up stomach acid. This pain kept me on the bathroom floor for hours and my thoughts contemplated on how I ended up here. I did not think for too long though as I asked my cousin for a ride to the hospital.

The doctor at the hospital was friendly and pumped me with opiates to relax my body and mind. At this point, I was near 2 days of no sleep or eating so I felt extremely weak. Although scared to reveal why I was here, I ended up telling the truth to the doctor about my drug use and he just recommended me to stop. Crazily enough, he tried blaming the cannabis over the other hard drugs for initiating an illness called cyclic vomiting syndrome (CVS). I laughed and said, "If that's the case I would have had CVS for a couple years now, I do believe it is due to the other drugs and lack of sleep." He still gave me paperwork on the link of CVS to cannabis and let me leave the hospital that day when the opiates stopped the awful pain in my stomach. When I got home, I had no appetite due to the opiates so I went straight to bed (thank God). However, nearly six hours later I woke up with those pains coming back with a vengeance. I could not imagine a worse pain, it was like my stomach was trying to digest itself. So back to a different hospital I went (I was concerned with the first doctor not knowing what he was talking about).

The second hospital thought I was just using this as an excuse to use opiates. Eventually, due to frantic pleading on my behalf, they gave me opiates to make the pain in my stomach subside which was a God-send for me. They let me leave a couple hours later where I immediately went to bed from the exhaustion of handling the pain hours beforehand. When the opiate's effect finally wore off, I woke up in even more excruciating pain. I went back to the bathroom to dry heave for the next four hours. As I laid there, I started to realize that I have not been responsible with this information I have been exposed to. There are still many that live their life, working for 60+ years at a corporate job and thinking that was life's purpose. I finally saw that this information could be empowering me, but instead I was letting the darkness of fear, confusion, and sadness supersede my soul and spirit. I finally realized that I have never appreciated my body, my mind, my heart and soul for the amazing amount of destructive words, behaviors, and thoughts I aimed at myself. Even when I was younger, I was hard on myself for all the things that my mind and body wasn't instead of being thankful for what I had. I finally broke down, I prayed for the first time in my life to myself and anyone/thing that was listening. "I'm so sorry," speaking to my physical self, "I love you, I know I have acted like a fool, but I truly adore you. We seem to be in big trouble and I need guidance more than ever. If there truly is a Source Creator whose energy permeates everywhere, please help me tap in to this grid of energy to find my purpose and to help rebuild my body, mind, heart, and soul. Please help me extinguish this darkness and allow me to have the information that forms this darkness so I can better prepare myself for it." I laid there thinking that death would be preferable to this pain, I could not imagine life getting much worse than slowly dying on a moldy bathroom floor due to your own actions. This was the darkest hour of my entire life. But I still could not give up, only because I knew the pain it would cause my family. So I heaved myself up the basement stairs to fetch a ride.

I convinced my cousin to drop me off at the Native American Church since I could not think of anywhere else to go. The cute girl at the register immediately saw that I was in pain and asked me what was happening. I responded truthfully telling her about my drug binge and she listened compassionately. After my explanation, she whipped up a whey protein isolate and told me to go lay down in the infrared sauna. I was flabbergasted. "At least I will die in a sauna," I thought to myself. Amazingly, a couple sips of the whey protein caused my stomach pains to cease immediately. I realized that my pains were due to the intense hunger that I had (I could not eat regular food at this point, my stomach was too weak) so drinking the watered down protein instilled life back into me. I was so grateful, I chugged the whey protein and immediately fell asleep in the sauna for several hours. It seems so crazy, so simple that was the solution to my situation. I was embarrassed but incredibly thankful for the help and I left the church with a sense of understanding and a different outlook with several questions but more of a clear direction.

I call those three days the dark night of my soul, which gave me the ability to see Light for the first time. It helped me submit to myself and to the universe's wishes. Although I was not aware of it at the time, this marked a huge turning point in line of thinking, to always question what was being taught, why it was being taught. This marked a change in how I viewed the world and helped contrast the beautiful natural elements of the Earth with the fake elements of the World. This marked the start to a long transformation full of mistakes, lessons, and self-realizations. I am only grateful for this experience and the shift of my mind-state from it.

I realized that I could not become a pharmacist, I saw no gain from possibly hurting a person using synthetic compounds that are mere mimics of natural compounds that use the same receptor sites. I've witnessed family members that have used painkillers for 15+ years and their dependence on them has only increased while their situations worsened. Realizing that my behaviors, addictions, thoughts, and relationships were not focused on healthy foundations such as compassion, love, and peace, it left me confused on what path to take. The realization that I need to change was clear but I still was going back and forth on how best to move forward with what I wanted. I ultimately wanted to help others, so being a healer seemed like the next steps. And I have a Native American Church nearby that offered classes and the ability to volunteer there in exchange for several therapies...

END OF PART I

Foreword: I decided to write a self-biography of sorts that has led me to this amazing point in my life now. I would like to share the past to help share and connect my experience with others that have experienced similar feelings or experiences. Or even if we both find that we have no experiences, tastes, or feelings in common, I can say that I truly thank you for being here. Our connections with others is what helps bring meaning to this life; an individual can impact many, but many can change the world. The story of my awakening has been a blessing and I am currently involved with Earth Nation to help bring change to the current paradigm of corporate rule, banksters, and corrupt politicians. Bless the Earth Nation, they are supporting the new paradigm of peace, love, and compassion. Visit their site to help shift the paradigm and learn how you can help, and even earn money while helping! Thank you and namaste.
https://asc.ai/homecenter/