Thank you to @solarsupermama for nominating me for this challenge because this is a topic that is important and very relevant to me.
Forgiveness is something that we often think about when others do something bad unto us, and as many of us know forgiving people for their mistakes is not only a great gift to that person but also to ourselves because we are then able to give up our anger and pain towards them and free up a lot of mental chatter that may be going on. I know how many hours I have spent having bad thoughts to someone because of the things they have done, and only when I have found the compassion and good spirit to let go of it have my days become peaceful and pleasant again. The same can be said for self forgiveness, and its fair to say that many of us are even harder on ourselves than we are on others!
Forgiveness is very linked to shame, whereby we may judge our selves and our actions and feel great shame about something we have done or said. This may have its uses in the short term, i.e acknowledging that we have done something wrong and learning from our mistakes due to the sadness we feel.. but what about when it is out of balance and we are living a life of chronic toxic shame or self guilt. In these cases it can be quite crippling and can lead to a spiral of negativity that can become a normal way of being.
I am very good at making mistakes, and particularly when I was younger I would sometimes say things that were really stupid. Normally they were said because I was nervous, or shy and just wanted to say something and would just spurt out the most ridiculous or even hurtful things pretty much by mistake. I remember once small incident when I was just 11 years old and was playing snooker with a good friend in his parents home. They were all watching us, and I for some reason I wanted to try to be funny and so I told them all a really silly joke that was quite derogatory about Irish people.. We all know there are plenty of Irish jokes going around, and so I blurted out a really stupid joke out that I made up on the spot. No sooner than I had finished that joke then the room went deadpan silent. Being quite sensitive I could feel that I had somehow screwed up pretty badly but couldn't figure out what had gone so wrong!.. After about 20 seconds my friend looked up at me and said, " Alex, we are all Irish!" Oh shit! What a great embarrassment, I still feel really ashamed even now, more than 30 years later! I think i just apologized and ran home after that, and its fair to say things were never quite the same again with him after that! Thinking about this story now, and how I feel about relating it to you I can see that I still feel ashamed about this and haven't forgiven myself for it. Because of that I have been holding this guilt, judgment and shame for three decades! I didn't mean anything bad by it and love the Irish very much,, what an amazing culture they have! So it was just an innocent childish mistake, and so right here right now I proclaim that I forgive myself for this! Ha! Now I'm actually smiling as i write this, it actually feels good and I can feel how this is freeing up some space inside. Who;d have guessed!
With this in mind I would like to share a poem that I am about to write, because in life we all make mistakes. We are all human, and so long as we are prepared to own our shit, and improve ourselves I think making making mistakes is a great thing and a very special opportunity to grow and become a better person.
Guilt... Judgement... Shame
I made a mistake
The same mistake
again and again, oh why!?
What is wrong with me?
Why do i keep screwing up?
I hurt them so much they wont even talk to me.
Am I a bad person?
How can I forgive myself for the 100th time?
I'm not perfect,
They're not perfect,
My mum was far from perfect,
My brother was very far from nice!
I took so much abuse, neglect and horrible words,
But I never gave it back.
In it went and i took it on,
Believing every word.
I never forgave them, because I never knew they did anything wrong.
Now I realise it has sat in my heart all my life.
I have even picked up where they left off,
Berating myself, hating myself,
Stuck in deep shame,
Because they must have been right, right?
Wrong!
Now I realse the truth, after so long,
With compassion I know that they just didn't understand me!
They thought I was crazy and dumb, because they did not know,
I had ADD, and I couldn't help but roll around like a hyperactive monkey
I couldn't help failing in school, because I couldn't focus, I couldn't think.
Now I can forgive them, because they were just scared,
And they knew not what effect they had.
How can I be angry at them and not me?
I forgive them because I need to forgive myself,
We both do the same thing!
No more shame,
I did nothing wrong.
I release this guilt,
I let go of my pain.
I do not deserve this,
I can not grow past this,
Without compassion for myself!
I forgive myself,
I forgive myself,
I really forgive myself,
Once and for all.
I NOMINATE @CLARA-ANDRIESSEN FOR THIS CHALLENGE
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Always forgive every one.
It is the key of happiness.
Forgiveness is a priceless thing, the person who have guts will forgive every person to comes out from the
karmic cycle
please check out my post once🤗💙
Thanks @eco-alex for sharing this post.
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Hey you, my favourite ADD-er ;-), thanks for nominating me!
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@eco-alex is here again to oblige us with yet another wonderful piece. Your post makes lots of sense bro. I can relate pretty well with the Irish scenario – happened to me more than once at similar age brackets, just about 13 then. I've grown to learn that there is no bigger unproductive habit than self guilt and the inability to forgive one's self. The few times it took its cold grip on me, it gnawed away at my skills.
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thanks for stopping by.. and for this comment.. im happy for u that u have realised this
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I am sorry that you carried this with you for so long, it's amazing the things that we really hold onto, reading it I can so understand how you could make a joke like that as a kid, we all did, in Ireland we often joke about people from different counties, no one should take offence really, but yet you have carried that. Really glad you get to let it go, forgiving oneself is so healing xx
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The blurting things out and just talking and not realizing what the hell your saying, I get that, struggled out with keep my trap shut as a kid, and finally able to hold my tongue and listen more (not eating sugar and caffeine helps wiv that) .
U sound like u could possibly have a gemini moon.???
We must forgive ourselves for these actions, its funny how we personally hold on to stuff that some ppl won't even remember. I do think our higher self's mess things up for us so we learn and send us on the path we need to be on.
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thanks for the wise words .. you live up to your name!
I have a leo moon and sun.. if that helps! <3
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Dbl trouble haha only kidding but wow that's alot of energy. Leo needs to be In motion but as Leo is the heart there can be alot of e-motion that slows the motion of the energy of that sun ruled leo. Finding a balance there is necessary especially when u have leo moon. I'm glad u can forgive urself and let go today, its all about Leo this year in fact as you are having rahu (North node) transit your sun/moon sign
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thanks for this! ive just started running every day.. FAST and slow.. and it seems to be my new therapy.. not sure if that is what you meant.. but it works for me!
yeah dbl trouble im sure your right!
;-)
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Yes that anything really physical exercise is good, creativity, leadership, teaching anything where u are moving forward and don't feel bogged down, Leo wants to make a positive difference, that's motion in action
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I really feel you on this one. I imagine how those Irish kids must have felt. I hope you later got around with them
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Awww forgiveness is such a powerful thing. It's crazy we carry that shame from childhood and how strong those memories are.
I recall going to see the work psych in the midst of a breakdown. She said 'you're yiur own harshest critic, aren't you?' ... my response was: 'great...now I have something else to feel bad about'. Luckily I saw the funny side of that...
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lool.. yes a sense of humour goes A LONG way in life! <3
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The hardest part to deal with is after we screw it up. We would want to go back in time, and do or say things differently. And the pain can stick for a while, filling us with shame.
But that's just part of living. And it also helps us build our character because we all make - and will continue make - stupid mistakes.
I think that the only thing which can give us some kind of relief is that... if the mistakes we make are tied to ignorance or poor education presented at the moment.
IF that's the case we have a wide margin of improvement. We grow everyday and discover new premises. And from then on, we can bear guilt and learn how to forgive ourselves.
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That's wonderfully written, Only when we can forgive our own selves, will we have the true ability to forgive others. And 3 decades you hold on to your childhood incident, my god, but I hope you have released it completely now.
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Thank you for this post! It's great to have writing challenges like these. It helps us connect with each other and know that we're not alone with our struggles.
I myself have self-critical thoughts every day. I do my best to apply mindfulness and self-compassion skills when they come up so I can keep moving forward.
Have a good one and again thanks for sharing.
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Self forgiveness is one of the most difficult emotions for humans who have a conscience, especially for empaths and People with perfectionist tendencies. I agree with you about it being intrinsicly linked to deep shame. Shame is so soul consuming and so easily passed along to children it should be classed as a disease that needs more attention. Thanks for this post.
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Ive always thought it strange the little memories we hold onto. I remember saying horrid things to my children they dont remember, but they remember others that i have forgotten. Same with my own parents. We just have to accept imperfection in ourselves with hearts full of love. I believe you to be amazing, and i hope you see that in the mirror. Glad you took the challenge. The more we forgive ourselves, the more room we have for love.
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