Mothers and Mental Health

Now it’s Tuesday. I just couldn’t quite get it posted yesterday. Luckily, it’s all still true!

It’s #mentalhealthmonday. Time will tell if this actually makes it to the posting state while it’s still Monday, but maybe that’s the point. Motherhood. I’m on the fourth sentence, and I’ve already stopped to calm a crying child, fix an owie, and get her some mac-n-cheese.

I’m not sure where and when Mother’s Day is celebrated in different places. I know here in Belize it’s a different day from the US. Whatever the case for you, I celebrated Mother’s Day Sunday because I’m originally from the US and also because that's where my mama is. I know Mother’s Day was originally Mothers’ Day and a call to mothers around the world to band together and stop the patriarchy from stealing our sons and teaching them to murder the sons of other mamas. That is certainly a worthy cause and one I am actually quite passionate about, as those of you reading my Jelsa story must know, but today I want to focus on the modern Mother’s Day and mothers’ mental health more generally.

My amazing 16 yo daughter really outdid herself this year. She made me a scrapbook with pictures of me and my kids with commentary from her. She also painted a lovely mama bear painting and crocheted a washcloth. Then she made me a hash brown breakfast, cupcakes, and creamy potato soup for dinner. She’s a treasure, and she made me feel so special. She and I talk quite openly about motherhood and the ways I feel I have both succeeded and failed. She’s an incredibly special girl, and I am so glad for the close relationship we have. My husband also took the younger kids for a couple hours, so I had some quiet time when I could read and write a bit. My daughter and I ended the day by watching Hidden Figures which is such an amazing movie.

Then today came. It started as such a bummer. I was feeling massive waves of depression. Is it the let down after a really lovely day? Is it the crazy financial and situational stress we are in right now? Is it just that motherhood is really damn hard? Is it a wave of clinical depression and not situational at all? Sometimes I can tell, and sometimes I can’t.

There is no doubt motherhood is incredibly hard. I’m just not sure if that’s what has me so incredibly despondent. My husband again took the children to go swim for about two hours, and that helped a lot, so I’m leaning toward that being the cause. Two days in a row of kid-free time is almost unheard of in these parts.

I have talked a lot on my page about the patriarchy and how feminine qualities and gifts are undervalued. Motherhood is a big one. Sometimes we forget how much we do, and even aware children like my older daughter don’t really realize all that goes into it. And we seem to have significant difficulty remembering to properly care for ourselves. Even if you spent the entirety of mother’s day going from hot spring bath to massage to facial to pedicure to delightful meal cooked by someone else and a whole night in a hotel by yourself, once a year is not enough. The multitude of tasks included in parenting are numerous, and mothers are expected to take the bulk. I often see men celebrated just for showing up, and if they actually participate, they are nearly revered. If I see one more post about how awesome a guy is for getting up and brushing one kid’s hair or showing up to a music performance, Ima lose it. It’s so frustrating.

My darling mothers, we have to insist on taking care of ourselves. I hear so many mothers say that they are so grateful to be mothers and don’t want people to think they see it as a burden. Of course you are grateful for your children. Of course you love them to the moon and back. Of course being a mother is the most amazing and precious gift ever given. You still need a break. Everyone needs time to be alone and quiet. Time to think and breathe. Without interruption. And, yes, being appreciated is also nice. To be clear, I don’t expect appreciation from children. It’s pretty much impossible for them to grasp the magnitude of all you do. Your partner, family, friends, and community are a different story. So please. Go tell a mama you know that you appreciate how much heart, soul, energy, and tears she puts into guiding up the next generation of humans. It is almost impossible to say how much that means to a mama in the trenches. And if you are a partner or close friend or family member, offer a couple hours of your life to give a mama a break. Work doesn’t count as a break, in case you were wondering.

I know someone will say it, so I will go ahead and address it. Yes, there are some fathers who take the brunt of the parenting work. And honestly, they have the issue of being shamed for doing such “feminine work” on top of all the actual work. This is another fail of patriarchy. I still see parents keeping dolls away from their little boys, and it makes me so sad. Whoever is doing it, it is not valued. If you don’t know what daycare workers make, I suggest looking that up in your area. It is better in some countries than others. In the US, it is grotesquely low. It’s the same, of course, with caring for elders. Caregiving of any kind is seen as feminine and is therefore undervalued despite the fact that it is mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting.

For the purposes of this discussion, though, I primarily want to talk about mothers. This tendency to underestimate what we are doing already and overestimate our ability to go at superhuman speed without end is dangerous. We need to stop and acknowledge what we have done. We need others to also acknowledge what we are doing. And we need time to rest and rejuvenate, to gather more strength and patience for the immensely important tasks of the sacred contract of motherhood. And I believe we will have to demand it.

Love all y’all mamas! You’re rocking it. I see you. I hear you. I feel you. And I love you. Now go take care of yourself!! Zombies make bad mamas. It’s a fact. Brains!!!!!!!

As always, all pics are mine or pixabay unless otherwise noted.

I’m a passenger on the @ecotrain, as well as a member of @teamgirlpowa and @steemmamas. All three are worth taking a look at, and all three are on discord.