Well, it's been quite the shit show in the US this week. I have the distinct feeling next week will not be much better. They will do a fluffy, cursory investigation, and whether they uncover anything or not, they will confirm the rapist. And all the rape apologists will cheer. After all, the US has a president who's had 19 rape allegations and multiple infidelities and instances of domestic abuse. People just don't care.

I think that has been the most traumatizing part of all of this. There has been a confirmation of our suspicion that most people, men especially, but many women also, just do not think violating a woman’s body is wrong. I am silenced. I am wrong. I am shamed. That has been the devastatingly sad part.

The infuriating part has been the defense of men. The indignation that his reputation might be tarnished. The outrageous temper tantrum at the mere idea he might not get what he wants. The foul stench of elitist white male privilege.

I went to college with guys just like him. Obscenely wealthy, arrogant, rude, hateful, racist, misogynist pigs. They ran the show there too. They did whatever they wanted. Rape was rampant, happening every weekend, shit, probably every day. Girls, marching along through classes and meals, shattered shells of themselves, expected to pick up the pieces and carry on so we don't upset pretty boys’ rise to power and family name.

I have experienced a wide variety of sexual trauma. Molested as a child, raped in high school, raped as a grown woman by a man I thought was my friend. Both my daughters molested by older boys. It's the worst when it is your own kids. I wish I could have protected them. How did I not see it coming? It's the worst kind of failure. How did I not recognize the signs? They aren't so different from other guys, it turns out. Now I'm suspicious of everyone.

It's confusing when a friend turns out to be a rapist. I remember just being utterly baffled for about 15 minutes, sort of unable to comprehend what had happened, and then jumping in my car and driving off fast. I told few people. All the ones I told had a hard time believing it. I never spoke to him again, totally blocked him from my life and avoided him around town. I still hate going to that town for that reason. I'm sure he doesn't even accept he did it. That is so often the deal. They convince themselves you really wanted it even if you said no, even if you repeatedly shoved hands and dick away. Again, this is because they don't care. This is because women's voices are meaningless, and women’s bodies belong to the men who decide they want them.

I am tired of being silenced.

Even with my daughters, people asked how I could be so sure it really happened. I had one person tell me that it didn't happen because the boy said it didn't happen. How can you not believe a little girl? About something like that?

This is because men believe women are liars. They can't believe you would say no. They need to control you and make sure you are doing as you are told all the time. The only way to do that is to remain hyper vigilant at all times and always assume you are lying.

Rapist, abuser president, rapist Supreme Court justice. They have a special fund in congress for paying off sexual allegations, so there too obviously. In fact they're everywhere. They're guys you know, guys who seem nice. That's why it's hard to spot them.

So here we are. We've all had to relive the trauma of being silenced, of not being believed, of living with the painful truth that people care more about that guy than they do about you or your daughters. And they will back that shit up with the dumbest, most ridiculous arguments you have ever heard. It's special.

I am alternating between deep sadness and rage and a sort of kinda edgy empowerment. And don't think your country is immune. While the US does, indeed, seem to lead the world in both shit shows and dumbfucks, this shit is everywhere. Except maybe Iceland. They're badass. I've cried more in the last week than probably the last six months. I've genuinely wanted to burn things. I'm pretty sure I'd actually bite any man who tried to fuck with me right now.

And I'm tired of hearing about the good guys but so rarely hearing from them. How are you helping? Are you standing up? Are you educating yourselves, doing your own emotional labor? Are you speaking out against the horrible ones? Do you raise up your voice when men say nasty things? Do you believe women when they come to you? What are you doing to smash the patriarchy? I'm tired of protecting fragile male egos, and I sure as fuck don't give two shits about reputation. We are dying out here. Big the fuck up, guys.

While I'm tired of being silenced, I'm recognizing there's not much I can do about that. I can talk until I'm purple, but is anyone who really needs to hear it listening? Here we sit in our echo chamber preaching to the choir. It's a lovely choir, but the demons are not in the church. They pass by the window, and catch a snippet of my sermon, give a little frat boy sniff and a tsk and keep on walking. They must protect each other at all costs. I am silenced while I still talk. My sisters are silenced. Some by the forever sleep of insatiable abusers. Some by the profound grief of a three month sentence for aggravated sexual assault. Some by the inability to move beyond the pain and terror enough to ever tell a single soul. Walking around in a coma pretending it's all fine.

This is why men must stand now. This is your battle. Just like fighting racism needs to be handled by white people, y'all need to deal with the patriarchy.

I'd like to rest. I'd like to heal because if I've learned anything in the last week, it is that I am not healed. I'd like to play and live in peace with my babies and feel protected. It's just not what is gonna happen.

So I steel myself up again and prepare for battle. I'm giving myself a day to be quiet, to clean and write. I'm giving myself at least that. A day to acknowledge I've been silenced by choosing to be silent and prepare myself.

And once again, as almost all women do all the damn time, I will rise up from the ashes like a burning Phoenix.

We have to unite together, as women. We need to hear all the voices, especially those of women of color and non cis/het women. We need to unite with other marginalized communities and stand together. We need to lift each other up and call out those who continue to uphold the patriarchy. We need to dismantle systems of oppression. We have to share our knowledge of how governments, capitalism, banks, schools, and prisons have been used to keep us in our place, and we need our allies to magnify those voices. We have to share our personal stories when we are ready. We need to dance and sing together and celebrate our magnificence. We need to cry and heal together. We need to cook and eat together. We need to show the world a different way, a way where people can learn to hear each other and to apologize and work to do better when they don't.

If you saw the temper tantrums during those hearings, you know they're afraid. It's slipping away. We are so close, but we must come together now.

Much love, y’all!

As always, all pics are mine or pixabay unless otherwise noted.

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