I never saw it coming; it was like a wind of inestimable feeling. I never thought I would feel anything for her. Thou, she wasn’t so beautiful, I so much adored her; obviously not from a wealthy family, to me her elegancy out weighted that of those born with a silver spoon; not well schooled, her self-made knowledge fooled the elites of accident times.
Having fallen for her was one thing, summoning up the needed courage to tell her how I felt was yet another.
The whole show started from the platform of mere casual friendship. So it was for years but a deeper affection took charge as time traveled. The deepness of the affection dug into our attitude and caused and obvious intimacy that even made people around us to conclude that we were dating. That is, …are in a romantic relationship; not just casual friendship as we always claimed. Despite all the allegations, we cared less to what were being said about us. On a contrary, I really wanted the casual friendship to grow into a deeper kind of relationship, but the needful (telling her how I felt) couldn’t be done.
In our daily acts, we held hands, we pecked chicks, we slept together, we gossiped, hardly quarreled, made countless wishes, faithed our hopes on a fruitful future, stood by each other, fathered and mothered ourselves in needed situations and most especially cried on each other when the river bank in our eyes over flows.
What an amazing friendship!!!
If you ask me, boy! I wanted more than that casual friendship.
I felt her so much that I could correctly tell her thoughts from her looks and her appearances. The feeling of love as far as I was concern was hell-real and heavenly-graving. Her smiles gladdened my heart, her cry sunk my heart in unexplainable affection of divine spicing. I spent apparently my whole day with her; if not physically, then we were chatting. If not chatting then she was obviously on the passage of my heart as wild erotic thoughts gyrating through the shores of my heart and keeping my face glooming like a the cloud at mid day. Then during the night (when my eyes are closed in sleep) she was always with me in form of pleasant dreams, which would make me want to remain laid simply because it was only in my dreams I experience the kind of closeness I crave for.
Wahoooo what a witty experience!!!
The worth of life and love soon dissipated when she started having other male friends. My world seemed to have had the best of it, my happiness was shattered, peace bruised, laughter crushed and faith of a better future aborted.
When she smiled to another fellow (male), I got beaten by the witches from my village from my inside. I was in an emotional cage and a pitiful illusion of no excuse for a moment, no freedom to live free again.
Why me!!!
It happened like a blow one Sunday afternoon when I heard my phone ring. From the name displayed, it was James; a friend of mine who obviously had eye on my dear friend. Picking the call, I got the shock of my life; my dear friend’s voice (my she) was the voice I heard from the other end.
Jesus!!! How come?
I managed to hold myself; I was sure I could hardly feel my feet standing. I was out for over 7seconds. My heart quacked, my mood changed, my eyes turned red, my tongue glued to my lips. I was deprived life for that moment.
She ended the call since I said nothing. Ten minutes later, my phone rang and same name appeared. By this time I was calm and was more composed. I spoke to her but not like normal. She called to know how I was fairing. She had a low battery. After a brief talk she ended the call and I was left in my world of despair. i concluded she was now seeing James. I wasn’t happy. I cried, I wailed, I sobbed, and missed Christ’s love. At that point I felt I have loosed what mattered most to me.
But on a second thought we were not in a committed relationship, I never had the gut to tell her how I felt. I never made known the intent of my heart. My wishes were buried in my hearts.
Why then did I demand so much from her?!!!
From the day I received her call through James, things didn’t remain the same. Things changed for the worst. I pick on her at ease, I shun her in anger, I snubbed her intentionally. She became my emotional punching bag.
It got to the extent that I complained and nagged. Not replying my chat on time became a big deal, not picking my calls on first ring became an offence, not spending quality time with me warranted to a scold. All my actions and inactions weren’t based on ignorance. Even when I know the reason for her actions, I still had it rough with her.
We started to have less of fun and more of argument. On this faithful day, we were both in a moody feeling and I said something that made her vexed. She stood right before my face and yell at me. The shout was like, “she gatt the guts to ….” As she shouted, tears started to drip from her eyes. I was cold. The one woman I love so much is crying because of my naughty emotional stupidity. She asked in a calm tone “What has come over you?”
The tears started to rush without her forcing it out
Her words rained hot-cold on me.
She asked me questions that tingled my ears;
Is it a crime to love you?
Is it a crime to show you I care?
Is it a crime to respect you?
Is it a crime to be sincere and truthful to you?
Is it a crime to be faithful as a friend?
Is it a crime to be patient; waiting for you to tell me you want me?
What haven’t I done to make you know you mean a lot to me?
What do you want me to do to make you believe and know that I don’t have any other guy in my life and want you to be more than just a friend?
How can I convince you that I can’t love someone else?
How on earth do you want me to tell you that I love you and can give my life for you?
(All these she said in her pool of tears)
She loves me?
She cares? I was dumb…
I couldn’t say a word.
I wondered within me;
She wants me?.......... oh boy!!! This is serious.
Lessons
The three chambers of expression which are;
*Thoughts **words ***actions
…are all needed in any form of relationship we are in. your thoughts are concealed if they are not spoken out or acted in actions. Most times, people tend to say or act contrary to their thoughts. When it happens, they is every assurance and certainty that the relationship will crash since sincerity is a missing element. Ensure your thoughts align with your words and your words align with your actions.
Say what you feel; although not always easy, but it should be done.
We get really burdened by unexpressed emotions; be it love or anger.
It’s our personal duty to see to our emotional dealings. Emotions are personal but a social set. It’s a linkage of our world to others’.
There was a big issue between Chris and Jennifer. They both loved each other but none was so bold to let out the feelings. They both angered and hurt themselves base on the ignorance of their individual feelings.
Take a time to think; “what emotional feeling have I being concealing?”
Like we earlier stated; it could be love or anger (resentment, dislike, etc).
The emotions you are concealing will without doubt breed a juxtaposing act in your routines there by leading to complications in all ventures.
It is true that when we don’t truly express our thoughts, we will definitely get hurt by the response from others.
Take your time to carefully express your emotions and also try to let others express theirs. By so doing there will be peaceful coexistence.
If you love someone or something, say it
If you don’t, say it as well
If you are happy or sad, don’t hide it…..just say it
If you want something or not….. Say it
Don’t keep your thoughts thinking others will automatically know your thought and act in a way that will benefit you.
Most especially, put your actions on acute check so as not to over react.
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