Romantic-Comedy Endings Reimagined for 2018

“Love Actually Just Kidding It’s My Penis”

Mark knocks on the door of a peaceful-looking home. Juliet answers, and, seeing Mark, seems both surprised and uncomfortable. From inside, her husband asks who’s at the door. Mark holds his index finger to his lips and pulls out a giant note card that says, “Say it’s carol singers. I want to show you my penis.”
Juliet slams the door in his face and calls the police. Mark realizes he needs to make a big change to his life, so he runs for local office.
“Notting Hill Also Here’s My Penis”

William Thacker stands up in the middle of his quaint bookstore and drops his pants. He looks directly into Anna Scott’s eyes and says, “I’m just a man, standing in front of a woman, showing her my penis.” The audience realizes that he is, indeed, showing Anna Scott his penis.
Anna reports the incident and William Thacker’s bookstore shuts down.
A month later, he’s elected governor.
“10 Things I Hate About You and Your Penis”

Kat Stratford stands up in front of her high-school English class and reads a heartfelt poem declaring her love for Patrick Verona. Vulnerable and overcome with emotion, Kat runs from the room, crying.
Patrick finds her in the school parking lot and tells her that he liked the poem. Then he drops his pants and pulls out his penis.
Patrick is suspended from school.
He later decides to major in political science and lands a prestigious internship at the White House.
“Pretty Woman and the Penis”

Vivian decides to go back to school and get her life on track. Just as she’s about to leave, she hears honking outside her window. She looks out and sees Edward in a white limousine.
Edward gets out of the limo, climbs up her fire escape, and pulls out his penis.
Vivian pushes him off the fire escape, and the ghost of Edward decides to run for state senator. He wins.
“You’ve Got Mail, and It’s My Penis”

Kathleen Kelly, a.k.a. “Shopgirl,” blocks the Fox Books C.E.O., Joe Fox, a.k.a. “NY152,” after he sends her unsolicited photos of his genitalia.
She then reads in the Post that Joe Fox stepped down as the C.E.O. of Fox Books after he was caught e-mailing pictures of his penis to every woman he worked with.
A year later, he runs for President.