I killed a bird....

I killed a bird. It was an accident!….
I was driving home from the little gas station up the road because
We needed 10 gallons of water (we stay hydrated..) and
I needed some red wine.
The three bottles of champagne in the fridge weren't going to cut it, bubbles are not for brooding…
So I'm loving the drive, because it's that golden hour in the afternoon that is my favorite and the temperature is perfectly comfortable and the wind on my face feels like what I think it feels like to be a well scratched cat….or better, probably….and there's a pigeon walking on the road, toward the edge like, and I'm thinking it's going to pick up the pace in the few seconds between its' place of peril and sure safety…and it doesn't! And I'm not swerving into the other lane because it's also that time of day people are trying to get home and I'm rounding a bend and two cars passed me a moment ago and I'm really sure it's gonna move, "you're gonna move, right?!" and…
Ka doom doom
POOF!
I glance into my review mirror and see a cloud of feathers. Really, it's puffing right over the line, for the most part I think the feathers fell on the safe side….
I hate that
I hate killing anything
But especially birds
And especially here…
I live in Hawaii. Even better, I live on Maui.
Even better! I live in the country, on a farm, in an incredibly beautiful rural community. So the birds here are extra beautiful!
Granted…it was a pigeon, but it was a beautiful pigeon, a Hawaiian country pigeon.
I have always held birds very responsible for where they call home, having wings and all that. I remember when I lived in the city and I observed the pigeons greedily fighting over the pity fry I threw into their horde thinking, "ugh, for real? Here? This is where you want to live? You can go anywhere!!" And really admiring the pigeons that opted to live elsewhere. Where perhaps the food wasn't so easy but at least it wasn't pitiful, and the view! Well, that was what you lived for….
God I'm really pigeonholing myself here…
So when I killed that bird well…of course I felt terrible.
But like I said I was brooding.
I was uploading some photos from my camera onto my boyfriend's computer (because macbook's now shun anything as old school as a damn sim card..) and for some reason, when I was looking through his 'finder' for the 'eject' button a document called 'letters for a young woman' popped into my view and I thought, "hey, these must be for me!" so I jumped in (granted, selfishly and invasively) and read them. Well, about a paragraph through the beautiful poetry and deep love pumping through the blank and white virtual pulp I recognized the recipient as being not…me.
Of course, I kept reading…Then I saw her name… Yea, that she that was me before me. His ex girlfriend. And it was fuckin beautiful. Heartfelt, full of love. I could feel him in there. Feel him in me and all that he has shared with me, the way he shares….in his love language. His love language being spoken eloquently to…another woman.
And he was right there, taking a nap about two feet away from me. Under a rainbow umbrella under the sun on his back porch at his home in paradise where I live with him.
So
As it happens
I killed a bird….