How the Hell Do I Trade EOS into BTC?

ຫຼວງພະບາງ

I'm in Luang Prabang Laos right now. It is the most amazing place I have ever visited in the world. The awesomeness of this place is not why I'm writing this post though. I'm writing this post to ask for information from the great Steemit community.

I only have about $200 in my American bank account right now. Even though I have enough EOS coins to keep living here in Laos for a year, I can not for the life of me, exchange them into Bitcoin.

SimplEOS wallet will let me send my unstaked EOS coins to another exchange like Bitfinex but they say you need a minimum equity of $10,000 to trade. So I tried to verify my account, but they say:

We are currently not processing verification requests for U.S. individual customer accounts.

So I tried Bithumb, but everything important like verification comes up in Korean language.

HitBTC said:

Please note that deposits are temporarily unavailable due to technical maintenance. Please accept our apologies for the inconvenience.

BigONE sent me an email that said:

Hello. I am customer service representative Kennen, I am very happy to serve you!
Sorry for the inconvenience, in order to ensure the security of the user's assets, we need to further test the relevant functions; after the related functions are stable, the recharge and withdrawal will be opened. Currently, we have not received specific recovery time.
After the recharge and withdrawal of each currency, we will issue an announcement at the first time, and please wait patiently.
I hope the above information can help you. If you have questions to add or ask for other relevant information, please reply within the work order."

I have no idea what the hell that means. I just know that I can't exchange EOS into BTC right now. WTF do I do? Steemit please help me!